Ready for a little vulnerability?
/The following is a post I originally wrote for our CaringBridge page after our daughter, Mercy, was born ten weeks early. I wrote this the night we had to leave the hospital without our daughter. It was the first time I was able to sit and put words together. I remember so vividly sitting on our bed, computer and Kleenex in my lap, and crying like I had never cried before. Looking back still brings tears to my eyes. God was so gracious to give us unexplainable peace in those days and weeks.
Over the next several weeks I’ll be sharing posts from our CaringBridge, as November is National Prematurity Awareness Month.
I hope that through this you will be reminded, as we are daily, that even the greatest challenges are gifts and opportunities to grow in His grace and mercy, friends!
January 22, 2013
“…that He gave His one and only Son..." John 3:16
Tonight I was wheeled out of the hospital and helped into a car full of beautiful flowers, gifts, and my wonderful husband... Something was missing. Somebody was missing. The car was empty without our baby girl coming home with us.
If I had to put the last 4 days into a few words, they would range all the way from 'beautiful' and 'amazing' to 'terrifying' and 'heart-wrenching.' My realm of emotions has never been so... everywhere!
Little Mercy, God's awesome gift of mercy to our family, has enriched my life in enormous ways in just four days. She is the most beautiful, wonderful little bundle of greatness I have ever experienced in my life. I love her more than words can express. Feeling her little white-knuckle grasp around my finger is... incredible. Little Mercy... She always has one hand raised high over her head, we're calling it her "Praise the Lord Arm!" I loved her in my womb... She was real, and alive and active from the very beginning... but I had no idea my heart was even capable of loving this deeply. She is perfect, fearfully and wonderfully made. God has given us an awesome gift, and I could not be more grateful.
But still, in the evenings... I weep for her. Many times at her side, I weep as I look at her sweet face and rub her tiny arms. I wish I could explain how ordained Mercy's early arrival this past weekend was. How God put each little detail in perfect order for us to meet our sweet girl ten weeks early. I wish I could explain so you could understand how nuts it is that I'm afraid and lacking trust in who He is and in the promises He makes. As I wept in Chris's arms two nights ago, one question continued to resound in my head. I knew it was from Mercy's Creator... "Would you withhold your child from Me?"
That is a question I have not been able to answer. It's a question I don't know how to answer. I know that He didn't withhold His only Child from me... But when I see that little girl with tubes in and out of her helping her stay alive, I just can't bring myself to answer that question. So while I celebrate each victory, I continue to grieve the unknown...
I've never felt so scared of anything. I believe in the deepest parts of my heart that He's not going to take her from us. I know that He could, because she belongs to Him anyways, and if He does, I will be ever grateful for the time He gave us with her. But am I willing right now to put her in His hands and let go of my need for her to be healthy and sleeping in her mermaid bedroom down the hall? I don't know...
“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)
That's what God gave me. His only Son so that I might have eternal life... because He loves me.
...and that's where my heart sits tonight, 20 minutes from my sweet Mercy girl, fighting these tears that will inevitably begin to fall any minute, not even really knowing how or what to pray for her, but knowing I love her more than anything.
Tomorrow we'll get to see another x-ray of her lungs and hopefully get some information on when the ventilator may come back out. We will continue to share each of these moments and milestones with you and thank you so much for keeping up with our girl.
I want you each to know how much your prayers are carrying me through this. Reading through the guestbook entries has been a ray of light through a dark and unknown path. My heart feels so loved and so full. Please continue to lift our Mercy up, physically, spiritually. Please continue to lift her daddy and I up as we navigate this journey. Chris has been such a gift since Friday, keeping me on track when I continually forget to look to Christ to light the way and give us direction. Pray for him, as he has been granted the task of continually lifting me out of my lack of trust. Pray for me as I continue to heal, physically and emotionally. We will continue to thank our God each time we remember you! We will continue to pray with joy for you all as we read through your kind words and prayers.
Thank you doesn't begin to express our gratitude.
We (all three of us!) love you all!
