You're going to cry

Considering foster care, but worried about the risk it may pose to your heart and your family if you move forward?

Perfect. I'm glad you're here!

And since you're here, let's go ahead and get one thing straight...

You're going to cry.

Let yourself.

Because there is nothing joyful about families being torn apart.

Broken homes and broken bodies are not a laughing matter.

Because you might be the fifth family the one year old has lived with, and she will have a hard time attaching to you, she's never learned to attach, and the idea is overwhelming for her fourteen month old heart.

Because who knows when the last time that little bottom has seen a baby wipe or a fresh diaper, and the three and four year old are hoarding food under their beds because they have never experienced enough, much less abundance.

Because the fourteen year old has been in more homes than she can count, and since she's never connected or attached to a secure adult, she fears connection, she refuses attachment for fear of the rejection she has come to expect. And even though you will love her with every fiber of your being, the minute she begins to feel something resembling love, she will fight, run, yell, scream, do everything she can to prove to herself and to you that you cannot and you will not love her. She will do her best to sabotage what you've worked so hard to build... and there will be tears.

Let them fall.

...because children who grow up in dysfunction often do not know any other way to live. They raise their children in the same dysfunction that raised them, and those children will likely grow up and raise their children in the very same devastating generational cycle of dysfunction.

Because mental illness is a terrifying, debilitating disease that tricks it's victims into thinking they're well when they are so very not well.

Because addiction is a ferocious monster who devours everyone it can get it's hands on.

Because no matter how much they want to be healthy, it is nearly impossible to climb out of the hole they dug for themselves so many years ago.

And if they could travel back in time, they would go back to the day they made that one awful, life-altering decision that has taken their children from them. They would unmake that decision, they would raise their children and they would live happily ever after.

But time travel is for movies. Not real life. And that decision that was made years ago will always be part of their lives. And that is something to be mourned.

Mourn. Weep. Cry yourself to sleep and wake up in a puddle of tears.

Keep crying.

Expect it, own it.
...maybe even love it.

Because eventually you're going to realize that you were lied to. The enemy placed a stronghold of fear on your life, he convinced you that foster care would put the health of your heart in grave danger and that the decision to proceed for the sake of families in crisis, would in return put your heart in crisis.

At some point on your journey the reality, the truth, will hit you....

...maybe when the baby is sleeping safely and peacefully in your arms after weeks and months of struggling through withdrawals due to months of prenatal drug exposure.
...or when the seven year old's walls begin to crumble and he finally let's you side-hug him for a quick second after months of pushing you away, and you begin to notice his tears and tantrums are slowly transforming into smiles and laughter.
...when the ten year old falls asleep with her light off after weeks and weeks of needing it on at night to feel safe. She's safe now, she knows that, you've shown her that.
...when the seventeen year old sits down with your family, smiles, sighs in relief, and tells you this is the first time she has ever had a family dinner.
...or when your foster son's parents turn their lives around, fight their demons and come out on top, and when they pick him up one last time to take him home forever, they hug your neck in gratitude, tell you how very much they love you for placing their hearts above yours, for not only loving and taking care of their son, but for loving and supporting them too.

And get ready, because you're going to cry that moment when it hits you, when you realize how long you bought the lie, and the vast number of capable parents and families that continue to buy it and allow it to keep them from these children... The truth is that YOU being involved in foster care is not dangerous at all. Alternatively, your heart is the safest piece of the foster care puzzle the Lord is building piece by piece in your life.

Take a step back and glance at the big picture. The risk involved in foster care isn't about your heart.
It's about the families and children in your community who are struggling, and what their lives will look like if we take the risk of not stepping into their world and loving them. It's about risking their health, their well being, their futures in order to spare our hearts the risk of being sad. The two are not even comparable. One of these risks is not so risky after-all, is it? The other risk is life-altering for children and families who so desperately need the safety your heart can provide.
The events that lead children and families into foster care are dangerous.
And the reality that there are far more children in need of safety than there are families willing to BE their safety.... that's dangerous. That's risky.

I'm not going to lie to you, though.... the utter sadness of foster care will break you and turn your life upside down. You're going to cry more than you thought was possible. That's not going to change when you recognize that it isn't your heart at risk in this situation.

...but those tears are sanctifying tears and God is using each of them in a powerful way, echoing the work of the Gospel in your journey on this earth, as you step into another family's mess, put aside your own comfort and convenience, and sacrificially love each of these family members He has placed in your path, supporting redemption and reunification along the way. And then, right in your deepest moment of brokenness, you're going to realize that the tears, the children, the families and the hard did something completely unexpected. Foster care didn't break you.... foster care built you and turned your life right side up.

And don't get me wrong, you're going to keep crying...
...but you're going to go forward differently, knowing that these children and their families matter and they need to given the same grace that you have been given, to be loved so much that hearts would be willing to grieve so that their livelihood wouldn't be risked, that they might have a second chance at being a healthy family. And your tears will continue as your heart walks this messy path, recognizing the depth of it's own ugliness maybe for the first time. As God continually sanctifies you, healing you from the sins of distrust, anger, and fear, you will deeply understand with incredible confidence that every tear that falls on this journey is absolutely worth it.

As you consider foster care, please keep in mind the risk and danger it may pose to the hearts of  children and families in your community if you don't move forward. And if you feel the Lord is nudging you ahead, please pray, ask questions, find a foster family in your community, or contact me. I would love to pray and walk this journey with you.

---

A Thrill of Hope

I met my son for the first time two years ago today.

I'm not going to share the details of the how and where of that moment, but I will share this...

It was dark when I peaked in the back driver's side window of a social worker's car and the words that came out of my mouth still come out daily.

"Oh my goodness. His cheeks!"

His. Cheeks.

...and they have only gotten better and better.

It was a uniquely perfect day. The day we met the baby who would become our son.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The drive to pick him up, my phone call to my aunt on the way, the way I felt when I saw him, peeking back at him the whole drive home, introducing him to Mercy, the way she instantly fell in love with him, what we had for dinner with our good friend who stayed with Mercy, giving him his first bottle, and the snuggling that first night...

But one specific memory stands out when I think back... Grabbing him out of his carseat, kissing those amazing cheeks for the very first time, pressing his eight pound eight ounce frame tight against me... and that moment when my life fell together at the very same time that somebody else's fell apart.

Right in that second, our need for abundant HOPE became more clear than ever before. He needed hope, we needed hope, and his mama needed hope more than anything... because it was nine days before Christmas and she just lost her newborn son, and that had to feel pretty hopeless.

This year especially, as we approach our first Christmas with Jaiden as our son, having seen our hopes for our life with him come alive, I think I'm understanding the gift of hope in a new light.

The hope we have for Jaiden's life... It's not just there, something we pray about and experience peace through.... Our hope is thrilling. And it is every synonym of thrilling... Breathtaking. Exhilarating. Electrifying. Inspiring. Mind boggling. (merrian-webster.com) It's exciting, it lights up our hearts and fills us with joy. He has given us hope and made us understand it in a brand new light. In His light.

Because many years ago on a starry night in Bethlehem, He brought a newborn baby boy into the world. His boy, His only son, and that baby boy gave this weary world hope.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth." (Ephesians 1:3-10, emphasis added)

When I read Paul's words about our adoption through Christ, I hear him defining the thrill of hope. And in a year and month and day that so many feel weary, down, depressed and hopeless, how we need the thrilling hope that He gives us! Hope for every spiritual blessing. Hope that He chose us before the creation of the world. Hope that because of His Son Jesus, we will stand before Him one day, holy and blameless. Hope that we were predestined to become His children, adopted out of our sin, out of this weary world and into His glorious grace. Hope for the redemption found in the blood of His son, who He gave up, forgiving our sins and lavishing His grace upon us. This was His will, His perfect purpose for us, to unite His children to Himself for all of eternity, and friends... how thrilling is that??

Today I am praying the thrill of hope for my son's first mommy, even on this day that brings devastating memories and loads of guilt and regret. That she would look to Christ for the hope of redemption and that when she does she would experience His grace flowing over her, her soul feeling it's worth and knowing her position before Him. Holy. Blameless. Guiltless.

Today I am praying the thrill of hope for my son. That as he grows he will become acutely aware of his need for the riches of God's grace. That it would be God's will to adopt him into His eternal family, lavishing His grace upon him and making him an heir of the King.

Today I am praising God for showing us the thrill of hope through this child He brought to us two years ago. That he gave us an earthly experience of adoption so that we would understand on a deeper level how great our adoption into His family is. Completely undeserved, granted by the blood of His only son, and sealed for eternity. Redeemed, forgiven, adopted. And I'm praying that when we're weary we would remember this thrill, that our hope would become alive again, that Jesus would continually remind us of the eternity of hope that He provided for us on the cross.

Would you pray with us today and in the days leading up to the celebration of the thrill of the hope the Jesus? Would you pray for renewal in our hearts and yours? Would you pray that the thrill of hope would be found and clung to in the hearts of the children and families affected by foster care this Christmas?

“Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!”

— O Holy Night

Merry Christmas, friends!

Thank you for all you do for us and how you have loved our family so well!

---

Foster Moms

Foster moms,

Two years ago I didn't know anything about you, what you were capable of, your level of perseverance, or the wide range of emotions your heart fought every day.
Two years ago I looked at you with admiration and anticipation...

Because two years ago I sat and I waited... and waited and waited and waited on the arrival of our first long-term foster placement.

Today that baby boy I was waiting to meet is much more than a long-term foster placement. He is my son. We experienced so much in the year and a half between the day we met him and the day he became our own. We cried, we loved, we grew in incredible ways as we were shown our sin, our lack of trust and the filthiness of the very core of our hearts. I can say without a doubt that foster care was used mightily in my life.. and used in so many ways beyond the gaining of my son. I would not have traded the hysterical crying or the fear that hovered in the background of everything we did. Not one minute of it. Because I knew that all of the hardships were worth it to the child who had been entrusted to our care, no matter how long his stay... and all of the fear involved in that very unknown is what God used most to teach me about His closeness. Closeness to a God who, because of my sin, I deserve to be so far separated from... as far as the east is from the west. But instead He drew me close to Him in those moments of deep sin, fear, and hatefulness. Instead He removed my sin from me... as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:10-12). He called us to and guided us through foster care, keeping us close by Him every step. Our fostering journey wasn't easy, it was anything but ordinary... it was painful, it was beautiful, it was just as it was meant to be.

And on June 1, 2016 our journey ended, and that precious eighteen month old boy became my son.

What a blessing my walk through the trenches brought me, as the King led me step by step to my sweet son. Jaiden has made me a more compassionate, loving, patient, flexible and certainly more active and attentive mommy. I just can't picture our family without him in it. He is an Ellzey, through and through. He loves his sister like crazy, he is a daddy's boy, no doubt, but when the thunder is just loud enough, he climbs right up in my lap and hugs my neck so tight and sweet. Yes... life has become comfortable in our neck of the woods. Today, my life looks crazy, active, fun, overflowing with hugs and kisses and love... and very, very comfortable.

Foster moms,
Today as I sit in my comfort, I am gazing in awe at your strength, your trust, your perseverance and resolve as you walk a path of unknowns. I've walked in your shoes, and I know your lives look very different than mine does right now. And if I'm honest, when I see the faith you are walking in, some days I miss those shoes that felt very ill-fitting most of the time. I miss them because of the way they made me reach for my Father's hand every minute of every day. I miss them because they consistently reminded me of my utter need for a Savior. I miss them because they taught me compassion for a group of broken and hurting parents toward whom I had never felt any emotion past anger. I miss them because they showed me my shortcomings as a mother and as a child of God and in turn brought me so very close to Him.

And I miss them because they were made purposefully by Him, specifically for me... and while they often felt ill-fitting, they were the perfect fit. He bent down into my mess, He placed them on my feet, held out His hand, and He told me to walk.

Into the unknown. Into the trenches.

Foster moms,
You are in the trenches, in the muck and the mire, in the sadness and devastation that sin has brought into this world.

Foster moms,
You are on the royal highway, walking hand in hand with the King, hearing His very voice, feeling His firm grip pull you through those trenches that He created your feet to walk through. He created YOU, foster mom, with that child or those children in mind. He set these moments in motion and placed you together for the specific span of time that only He knows... and your trust in His sovereignty to give you love and compassion and peace and grace and mercy... that will stick with the families and children He has placed in your care much longer than you could possibly know.

Don't take these days for granted. Don't let yourself forget the most joyful moments or even the most painful ones, don't let one minute slip from your memory. Hold onto the closeness He has drawn you into and don't let it go when your journey ends. Because when things get comfortable, it's easy to forget how much we need to be close to Him every day. Even on the easy days.

And can we be honest? Even our easiest, most comfortable days often look pretty ugly. And the worst place to be is in our own trenches we dug for ourselves, without the King's hand guiding us and pulling us through them.

Foster moms,
Two years ago I didn't know anything about you, what you were capable of, your level of perseverance, or the wide range of emotions your heart fought every day.
I know now...
...and today I look at you with far more admiration than I did two years ago.

Thank you for the role you are playing in my life as I watch the Lord work through you for the sake of His children. Thank you for being vulnerable, for loving children and their families the very same way Christ has loved you and for revealing Him to each person you share your journey with.

Thank you for reminding me of His closeness, today and every day.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."
Psalm 139:9&10

---

Why consider foster care? Because their hearts matter

"Guard your heart," they said.

I almost bought into it too...

...and I understand where they're coming from.

Protect my heart. It's the only way. Love half-way so that my heart can't break. If I don't let myself love this guy with all the love in my heart, there is less of a chance that I'll hurt in the end.

I know they're just worried about us, worried that our hearts will break. They love us, they don't want to see us in pain.

This little man who we have fallen so deep for... To think about him leaving... is heart breaking to say the least. How can I keep myself from feeling pain and mourning for a lifetime when he's gone? Simple: I can't... not happening.

The risk we take in foster care is falling in love with a child who may leave our home one day...

Yes... scary, heart breaking, risky... so risky that some of us close our eyes to the realities that children are facing in our communities... Sometimes I feel like the risk to our hearts is so much that we've forgotten the hearts of those who are truly at risk in these situations....

The hearts of the babies, children, and teenagers in the system who have been neglected, beaten, broken down and... forgotten about.

Forgotten about by everyone they've ever cared about, and forgotten about by those of us who say we can't take care of them, "it's too risky, we would love them too much, get too attached."

Guess what, friends who would love them too much, these kiddos need YOU. These kids need somebody to get too attached, someone who's heart would break for them. Do you know that many of the children in foster care have never experienced someone loving them that much? Someone loving them so sacrificially that they would risk their heart breaking just so they could pour too much love into their hearts?

We must remember the hearts of these kids. Their hearts matter.

Maybe even more than our's...? Definitely in a different capacity than our's.

This, friends, is a heart issue. And a big one.

We know our hearts matter, of course they matter... but let's not worry about our own hearts. Our hearts are filled with the love of family, friends, our Savior and Creator, and our love for each other. If our hearts break, it looks like we've got a pretty awesome support system waiting to take care of us and love us through the pain.

We must refuse to go half-in for these children, and their families, who may have little to no support system, and we must refuse to leave them in the hands of families who will not love them too much (read this and this and let your anger move you to action in our community!)

As a community of believers, will we choose to give these children only some of our hearts so that the rest of our hearts won't feel pain..? Or will we go all in for them?

Give 100%, friends. These children need every ounce of love in our hearts to be there for them now, and even when they leave. They need us to be family who will mourn for them and miss them every day for the rest of our lives. If these kids leave their foster homes and one day find themselves in a dark place and a sad environment, they need to know we loved them so much that twenty years later, we're still praying for them and loving them.

I am SO blessed to have a close friend and former foster mama model this for me. Just last week she showed me photos of her foster son who is a grown man now, who still calls her "mom" and calls when he needs her love. And she still prays for him, all these years later.

While I understand the concern, I urge you to be less concerned for our hearts and more concerned for the hearts of these children in foster care. If our precious foster son goes home tomorrow, each of these 181 days we've loved him will be worth every ounce of pain we will experience from losing him. We would do it one hundred times over.

Can I take a minute to relate this sacrificial love to all of us?

How sad would our lives be if we held back on loving people because of the risk we take in losing them. Isn't this a risk in all our relationships? Are we promised tomorrow with any of our loved ones?

When Mercy came ten weeks early and Chris was told that she might not make it through the night, did we decide to guard our hearts in case we lost her? NO. We went ALL. IN. More in than ever, loved her more than we knew how, cherished all of our seconds with her knowing there may not be as many as we hoped. She needed us more in those days than ever. This baby boy needs our whole hearts, not the guarded versions. He needs us to love him too much today, and I think we need him too.

I think we need him so we can better understand our heavenly Father's all-in love for us.

What if He held back on loving us because of this same risk, or because He feared becoming too attached and losing us?

What if the fear of us turning away from Him stopped Him from sending Jesus here to rescue us?

What if He guarded His heart when we were at our worst, in our deepest need of Him?

"We love because He first loved us."

1 John 4:19

Oh, and He loved us so much, friends. SO much more than you and I could ever deserve or even begin to understand. There's no {worldy} sense in it, yet there was never a second thought. Only love. All-in love for a bunch of broken, hurt, damaged hearts who would turn and fight and walk away. That's me and that's you. Let's offer the love He has shown us to those He has put in our care. Let's be more concerned for their hearts and less concerned for our own.

For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps. 1 Peter 2:21 (NLT)

**This post is part of a series of posts aiming to answer the question, "Why did you choose foster care?" If any of these words or these posts spark an interest in your heart to consider foster parenting, please contact me or visit crossroadsnola.org/foster-care for information about fostering in the St. Tammany Parish and New Orleans area.**