i CAN wait.

I was sitting on the back porch about a week ago just swinging and watching the hummingbirds with Mercy, and I started thinking about how fast this time is passing. She was sitting up in my lap like a big girl giggling at Joe (the dog), and startling each time a hummingbird buzzed past us.

It was one of those moments that you just want to freeze and tuck away in a box so you can revisit it in the future.

I think I've had about a thousand of those moments over the last nine months...

This is certainly one of them:

...the first moments I spent with Mercy, and the first time she wrapped her sweet little fingers around mine. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I remember thinking to myself, "I can't wait to bring her home and watch her grow."

Here's another one:

It came... the day we got to bring her home!! Big moment for us, I cried like a baby that day and I remember thinking, "I can't wait to watch her grow at home with us and see her little personality come out."

Over the last nine months, I've proclaimed excitement over so many future milestones.

I've said how much I can't wait for her to get some teeth! Not a thought of how I'll miss her big gummy smile...

I've said how much I can't wait until she can sit up independently or take her first steps! I didn't realize that would mean saying goodbye to many of our sweet snuggles...

I've said how much I can't wait to hear her first words! Her silly squeals and our times of quietness together will soon be long gone...

I can't wait...

I can't wait.......

I. Can't. Wait!!!

Well, friends... we're there.

I have a 14lb 13oz, 2'3 nine month old with two teeth and a board on Pinterest planning her first birthday.

This child is growing too rapidly and has more personality than any of us know what to do with... and what I'm realizing is this:

It's. Too. Soon.

It's too fast...

...and those sweet moments are flying by.

That first time she wrapped her fingers around mine, was I too busy thinking about what I couldn't wait for to appreciate that moment for the miracle that it was? Did I relish in her precious, tiny details enough when she was just a couple of pounds? Did I run my fingers across the silky soft preemie fuzz that covered her shoulders and back knowing I only had a few weeks to enjoy this sweet detail? Did I cherish each snuggle as much as I should have, knowing she would outgrow her desire to rest in my arms? Did I squeal with her enough, giggle with her enough, take in the sound of her soft breaths in my ear when she rests her cheek against mine? Have I treasured each smile and the newness of each moment with a grateful heart, as I know tomorrow will bring completely different newness?

Have I loved her enough right now?

...or have I been too caught up in what I can't wait to happen tomorrow to realize what a gift I have in her right this moment?

I'm working on changing my vocabulary. I must change it.

"I can't wait...?"

That needs to stop. It is kidnapping the precious moments I spend with my daughter, it is stealing the momentous miracle that each of those moments is... When it slips out, I just have to apologize to my sweet girl and tell her how much this moment means to me.

"I love you right now. I love what you're doing right this second. I'm so proud of you. These moments are such a gift, YOU are such a blessing to me today and I absolutely can wait!"

Remember when I said I couldn't wait for her little personality to come out?

Well that happened... but I think we'll be calling it a BIG personality!

As much as I wish I could put moments like this one in boxes and revisit them, I can't. They come and they go, and our little ones grow up just a little too quickly.

And you know what?

I think I can wait.

It happened...

Last night I told Chris I would be headed to bed before he finished brushing his teeth...

Then... it happened.

It happens every three or four weeks, always keeping me up until 2 or 3am... crying, smiling and feeling the love.

Yep. Last night it happened again... I started thinking about January.

This is the face we wake up to every morning. Seriously, it doesn't get better than this.

I imagine it'll start happening more and more often as we get closer to January (that's only three months away, y'all!)

I can't always identify what brings it on, but last night it was a quick glimpse at my sister's Instagram feed. I ended up looking through every picture since January, and reading all the sweet comments on the photos she has posted of Mercy. By the time I got to that very first photo, I was in too deep. It was too late to get out and I headed over to Facebook to look through my photos from January and read all the incredibly supportive and amazing comments. There were  some tears shed and I just couldn't stop smiling thinking of all of you who loved us through that stage of our lives and continue to love us now.

By then it was 2am and I found myself reading this note I had posted on Facebook on January 12, six days before Mercy's surprise arrival... I was writing about trusting God with my girl as she grew in my belly, and giving some information on the liver disease I had been diagnosed with and what that meant for Mercy.

My favorite part is when I explained that we would not wait past 36 weeks to deliver Mercy, and then I said, "And being the impatient types, we're very excited to meet our sweet Mercy sooner than expected!"

Sooner than expected meant six days!

While I thought I was writing about six weeks from that point, God was writing an incredibly beautiful story that I couldn't have written better myself.

Those memories are so sweet and I wouldn't trade them for anything... but I can't help but wonder... if I had known beforehand what was about to happen, would I have typed that sentence out so convincingly and sincerely?

No. I don't think so...

...and maybe that's why we don't get to know. How many awesome lessons, moments, conversations, smiles, tears... how much we would miss out on if we knew what was going to happen, if we were able to try to avoid situations in our lives that might just be hard... in many cases we would experience worry, fear and anxiety increasing as certain moments approached. We would completely miss the opportunity to grow as God works out our lives according to His perfect plan.

I know I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't experience what we went through in the NICU and each surprising and perfectly ordained minute of the day that led to Mercy's arrival. I know I wouldn't have enjoyed those last six days of my pregnancy as well as I did if I had been worrying constantly about her coming so super early. I would have cried, trembled in fear, foolishly begged God not to bring her so soon... Never once realizing that I would actually have been begging Him to keep so many beautiful gifts from us.

Oh, His plans for His children. Not always easy. Yes, so hard to wait blindly, so hard to trust when we have not even a glimpse of what will be. Always worth it. Always.

To the Jewish exiles in Babylon:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

How beautiful this promise of comfort is to a group of hurting people. They would not understand what would come between the time this statement was declared to them through Jeremiah and the time they would be given hope, they would not be able to grasp the lessons, moments, tears they would experience before that hope would come... but they were told there was a plan, that was for sure... and that in itself is a truly amazing gift of HOPE.

It's the same gift of hope God offers His children today, He always knows His plan and His plan is always worth it.

...and going back to that passage, you know He's not only promising to bring the Israelites back to the promised land... He's promising them eternal hope. He's promising them Jesus.

His. Son.

His only son who would come to this earth, fully human and fully God, who would live a perfect life, die a death that would take away their sins, be raised from the dead, ascend into heaven where He sits today at the right hand of His Father pouring out an eternity of hope....

And that hope wasn't just for them either.

Friends, let's stop wishing we knew what the future will bring and let's enjoy the gifts leading up to tomorrow. Let's hold onto the hope of the sure plan that God has made and let's grasp tightly to the eternal hope of Jesus.

And on a different note...

My last blog post included a photo of Mercy and a caption contest! I received many 'entries' via Facebook, and one clearly stood out to me...

The first few days in the hospital one of the many things that captured our hearts about Mercy was that at least one arm was always raised! We often said it was as if she was praising God constantly, giving thanks for the work He was doing in her little life each and every minute.

So without further ado, Rebekah Rico (who, by the way, has a sweet Mercy of her own!) here's your special surprise from Mercy!! She designed it herself just for you! ...and you'll all be happy to know that since she started sitting up ALL THE TIME we've seen less and less preemie posturing going on... which is why her hands are just barely raised in this photo! :)

Preemie Posture

Remember this photo?

That is three pounds of pure preciousness right there! Look at those arms!!! I cannot believe they were ever that teensy and non-roll-y!! Craziness....

I had a little Facebook caption contest for that one, I think the winner was... actually a tie between these two:
"Part of your woooooooooooorld!"
     (I just love Ariel. So. so. much....)
"Seriously, the baby next to me was only this big. True story..."
     (That really is a true story! Sweet little Ruthie. She weighs the same as Mercy now!)

I remember the moment that photo was taken so well, Chris and I could not stop giggling at her spreading her arms like that, we just wanted to wrap them around our necks and embrace that little baby girl so hard!

Turns out, it wasn't just an adorable Mercy thing, it's actually a pretty normal preemie thing.

Our OT calls it the 'Preemie Posture,' and here's my limited understanding of it:

Apparently... because full term babies are all squished up in the fetal position for awhile, they come out curled up with the muscle tone to keep their hands near their faces. They have to learn to extend.

Preemies, on the other hand, are still all stretched out in the womb when they decide to make their grand entrance into the world, and haven't developed that flexor muscle tone just yet. They have to learn to bring their arms and legs in.

See, she still does it:



























We've been working with the OT to help her learn to bring those sweet arms in. Overall, she does a pretty good job, but even so, everyday we find ourselves tucking her arms back in over and over. Sometimes she just pops one arm out, and as soon as we tuck it in, the other one has popped out! That can sometimes go on for awhile. It's hard not to laugh, it's almost like she's playing a game with us and she's just so dang adorable!

But in all truthfulness, this is not a laughing matter. We're doing a lot of exercises with Mercy trying to get her ready to crawl, and this preemie posturing is clearly affecting this, she just holds her arms out so wide. It affects her ability to self soothe, to hold her bottle, learn to crawl and eventually even things like riding a bike. Don't get me wrong, she can definitely get her thumb in her mouth and reach up and grab her bottle, but within just a minute or two, the arms pop right back out. We're for sure seeing improvement, sometimes it's just a few seconds before she brings them back in on her own, but this is definitely something we'll be continuing to work on for a while.

And sometimes I wonder how different I am from Mercy... How different my own sin nature that came into this world with me is from her preemie posture that came into the world with her.

Every day as my faith develops more and more, my heavenly Father teaches me how to tuck my own arms in, how to trust Him, how to love others, how to love Him... Specific sins I struggle with are daily revealed to me as He reminds me to give them up to Him, to represent Him in all circumstances because I love Him, because of what He did for me...

Like Mercy has to daily work on bringing her arms in, as children of God we have to daily work on surrendering our actions, plans, our lives to Him.

So why is this worth working on? Just like her preemie posture will affect Mercy's development, this will affect our spiritual development in the long run. It will affect the depth of our relationship with our Savior, our contentment in all circumstances, it will affect our ability to feel joy in sadness, our effectiveness in sharing His love with others, our trust in His sovereign plans for our future... and what do we have if we don't have Him??

Friends, because of the grace upon grace we have received through Jesus, how can we not work daily to 'bring our arms in' and love Him well? How can we not receive instruction as He teaches us how to do this through His word, through fellowship in His house, and through the Godly people He has placed in our lives? It affects everything, and it is so worth it!

"Let the one who is taught the word share all good things with the one who teaches."
-Galatians 6:6

Oh, yes. It's so worth it!

So... On another note, what do you think about a new caption contest for the newest preemie posture photo above? Post your entries in the comments! Winner will receive a special surprise from Mercy in my next post!

Happy National Breastfeeding Month!

Apparently it's National Breastfeeding Month.

Gotta love a close up of a happy baby!

I just read a blog post that actually made me want to cry a little... and yell a little.
A breastfeeding mama who listed the reasons she is jealous of mom's who couldn't make it work and are bottle feeding their little ones.

Part of me feels insulted and extremely offended by this mama's insensitive words to those of us who are struggling, trying with every bit of our emotion and energy to make this breastfeeding thing work. We see these mama's who do it with such ease and grace, and we grieve as we mix our baby's formula before judging eyes in restaurants and public places because we so badly want what they have, what we're told over and over again is best for our babies, what we're told will help us bond with them better and love them more... what we can't do. and they can.

And you're gonna make light of that and tell me you're jealous??

NO. Please don't, it's too painful. This is not a light subject piece for us. Don't make it one.

Maybe I'm being oversensitive and I know I don't speak for all of us... but I do know I would give up every benefit she listed to be able to do what she does...

So... to those of you who watch us pull out our bottles instead of nursing covers and shake your heads, please be kind. You don't know the intensely personal circumstances that led us to the decision to bottle feed our children, and you don't need to. You will never fully get the emotions that we've experienced, so please, cast your judgmental glances elsewhere and whatever you do, don't tell us your jealous of us.

I was reminded of this passage while reading the blog.

“Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her,
    all you who love her;
rejoice with her in joy,
    all you who mourn over her;
that you may nurse and be satisfied
    from her consoling breast;
that you may drink deeply with delight
    from her glorious abundance.”
--Isaiah 66:10-11

We read it in Bible Study several weeks ago and I was brought to tears and I have not been able to stop repeating it over and over.

My breastfeeding journey with Mercy has been hard and extremely emotional work. She was born ten weeks early and was fed pumped breast milk through a tube in her nose for the first several weeks of her life. As soon as we could we started trying to incorporate some breastfeeding, as my goal was to bring her home exclusively nursing. They would tube feed her while we worked with the lactation nurse in getting her to latch on and nurse.

We eventually had to start giving her bottles, I couldn't be at the NICU for every feeding and in order to come home she had to be eating with no feeding tube at all.

After seven weeks we brought her home at four pounds and one ounce. She was still too weak to get a full feeding from nursing, so we would work on nursing for twenty minutes, give her a full bottle, and then pump for twenty minutes. Every. Three. Hours.

With the exception of nighttime, this continued until she was five months old.

...and by that time, our sweet girl was consuming more than I was producing. I was finally able to stop pumping, but continued to have to give her bottles after each time we nursed. On top of that, we ran out of frozen milk, and we began incorporating formula. I grieved and grieved over this, it was not an easy transition for me to make.

These days, at seven months, I'm taking a prescription medication that has a side effect of increased milk production and we seem to be doing ok.... about half and half plus baby food and I think I'm ok with that. I'm proud of the five months of exclusive breastmilk that Mercy received, I know that many mom's don't get that.

I had decided early on that I would not try breastfeeding when we're out and about. The entire process is just too hard, and often involves a decent amount of screaming. I know I'll never get a sweet note on a receipt or have my pizza paid for by a kind waitress when she sees me giving Mercy a bottle, but I've gotten to a place where I'm ok with that. My child is well fed, she's healthy and growing and that makes me happy.

I've worked hard, it hasn't been easy, and I'm not ready to completely give up. I desire so deeply to be able to satisfy my daughter through nursing. I long so deeply for her to desire to be satisfied through me.

And I get it. Better than I've ever gotten it... how deeply our Heavenly Father longs for us to be satisfied in Him, how He longs for us to desire to be satisfied in Him.

...and we kick and we scream, and we try to take the easy way out and He says, "I'm here. Find yourselves in Me, be satisfied in My embrace. Drink deeply with delight from My glorious abundance!"

Read Hosea 11, it is filled with His grace, His desire for His children, Israel, to come back to Him, His promises to satisfy them in His love.

How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
    How can I hand you over, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
    How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart recoils within me;
    my compassion grows warm and tender.
I will not execute my burning anger;
    I will not again destroy Ephraim;
for I am God and not a man,
    the Holy One in your midst,
    and I will not come in wrath.
--Hosea 11:8&9

Where do you find your satisfaction? ...for me, I often seek satisfaction in my husband, Mercy, our youth ministry, photography, creativity, hmm... maybe even in having the ability to successfully breastfeed my daughter.

Friends, let's stop chasing the things of the world and let's seek satisfaction in Him. Let's desire Him and rest in His sweet embrace. He is ALL we need.

Our Seven Month Old Twelve Pounder

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake,

I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

Today is Mercy's SEVEN MONTH birthday!

Happy seven month birthday baby girl!

She's about 4 1/2 months adjusted and developmentally, but chronologically she is seven months old and we can't believe it!

We really loved our extended newborn stage with her, she was so sweet and really AWESOME, but it has been so much fun watching her grow and learn new things. Still sweet, still awesome, plus so much more! She is so close to sitting up with no support from us or from her own arms and we still think she'll be walking before she's crawling, she just loooves to be on her feet!

So last week I was talking to a mom at church who had her little guy while we were in the NICU... He was born about a month after Mercy. I found myself totally jealous of him! So silly, I know that Mercy is developmentally behind 2 1/2 months and that she will catch up after a year or so and I'm ok with that, but I looked at him sitting on the floor all by himself with no help and was totally jealous.

The thoughts flooded my mind, "Mercy's not doing that yet... Is she ok? Is she behind more than she should be? Am I doing enough to help her? What's wrong???"

Oh yeah... Calm down, she's fine, she's awesome, she's right where she should be.

I guess it was the first time I saw a baby younger than Mercy doing something she couldn't do yet and I forgot... Mercy should be a month or so younger than that little guy. Their lives in the womb included, she is a month or so younger. Everything is ok... but it didn't feel ok in that moment.

It honestly caught me off guard how off guard it caught me.

Then I had an entire week that caught me off guard in a completely different way as almost every day I was reminded of how grateful I am for Mercy's birth story and for her first couple months in the 'outside world.'

The mom I met at the Salad Station, she was the best. I watched her walk through the door with her three kids and couldn't wipe the smile off my face, they were too precious, so sweet. A little bit later I met her in line and she asked how old Mercy was. "She'll be seven months on Sunday." I saw the look that I have learned to LOVE and she said, "My oldest was 1lb 10oz. He's five years old now!" We talked briefly about the life changing experience of the NICU and she reminded me in such straight forward words that made me completely forget the jealousy I had experienced. Her simple words that have repeated in my head all week: "Isn't God's grace sufficient?"

Over the course of the week I was reminded through even more knowing eyes and understanding hearts of the moms I meet so often who look at Mercy and know... because they've been there with their own, they've cried similar tears and celebrated similar triumphs of SATS and X-rays, grams and ounces. They've experienced the sufficiency of God's grace in their times of greatest need, and they smile with me as we recount our stories of our sweet miracles... We smile, we laugh, we know... and I'm reminded...

I was reminded during our trip to Sam's just yesterday. Each person who asked how old she was, "She'll be seven months on Sunday." "Oh, she's so tiny!" God is so sovereign, isn't He? I love these opportunities, I love sharing her story, seeing the smiles she receives, the thank you's for getting to meet a sweet miracle, the "I love you's" she hears from complete strangers. It bring tears to my eyes seeing how her presence, her smile and her story are so moving to others who are just meeting her. We so enjoy these brief moments we're given to share the awesome testimony of God's all sufficient grace... and, again, I'm reminded...

The question continued to repeat in my head over the course of the week... "Isn't God's grace sufficient?"

Yes, mama at Salad Station. Yes it is.

So grateful for my sweet seven month old twelve pounder, just learning to sit up unsupported, playing catch-up with the other babies, revealing God's grace to her mama and daddy, and our families and communities in bigger ways than I can even comprehend.

Just love her so much!

Easy to love, watch this:

She loooves that bouncy seat, she loooves to kick her feet, and this is random, but she REALLY loves gymnastics! She belly laughs every time she sees someone do a cartwheel or stand on their hands! She's doing so much and we're having fun watching her, we love her so so much!

Thanks for keeping up with us! We love YOU so so much, too!