Dear Mama Who Acknowledged My Pain

You lost your eyesight.

You almost lost your life.

You didn't meet your baby girl for six days and when you did, you couldn't see her beautiful face.

You laid in your bed in the ICU and felt her preciousness rest against your body.

But you could not see her.

I never understood how you could sit with me and acknowledge my very minimal pain.

You know, Mercy's birth story was significant and completely ordained, beautiful and something I look at with love and amazement, but...

Those weeks and months after she came were painful and emotional.

Sitting with you and seeing your eyes SEEING me and telling me that my pain mattered and my journey was significant was life changing for me.

How could what I went through even begin to compare to what you went through?

You're STILL going through treatment, and yet you looked at me and comforted me. You reminded me that, yes, our stories are different, but each is significant, each will be used, and God cares deeply about each and every detail, each and every difference. Pain is pain and we can't compare our experiences, we can only thank Him for the grace He offers us to heal and grow through them.

I hope you know that you showed me how to see Christ as my Healer.

I know that when you held your sweet girl that first time, your eyes couldn't see her. I know they saw Jesus. I know that your focus on HIS face got you through the ICU, months of dialysis and the NICU.

You never turned your gaze from Him, even when your eyesight returned.

You showed me how to heal.

You showed me that my pain mattered and was healable.

Friend, your friendship is a reminder of Christ's healing sacrifice in my life and I want you to know that I'm so so grateful for you.

Love you friend,
  Your NICU Neighbor


**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Dear Daddies Who Were There Before Us

There were two of you. One nearing the end of your NICU journey and the other just beginning several weeks before us.

You introduced yourselves to us.

You shared your baby girls with us.

You shared your experiences with us.

You two men gave us hope for our own baby girl.

When you talked to us about your NICU experiences, you brought us peace about ours.

We knew our girl's journey would look differently than your two girl's journeys looked. We knew we would have different experiences and different obstacles to cross.

But walking out of the hospital a year ago yesterday felt a whole lot easier having heard your stories.

...and I know I could never thank you enough for that.

Reading back through the CaringBridge post I wrote last January 22 was extremely hard. Remembering the moment of leaving the hospital empty-handed brought back painful emotions that I haven't thought about or felt in many months.

However, I vividly remember recalling four simple words you spoke to us just three days earlier, "She's in good hands."

...and she was.

In those first days, y'all painted a picture of FAITH for me.

It would be necessary to have faith in the doctors and nurses who took care of Mercy, to believe in their hearts that cared deeply for her the moment she took up residence in one of their incubators, to know fully that they had her very best interests at heart and to trust their knowledge in the medicine they practice.

Over the next seven weeks our faith in her medical staff would deepen alongside our faith in her Heavenly Father.

Not only would it be necessary to have faith in her doctors and nurses, it would be infinitely more necessary to have faith in the God to whom she belongs, to believe in His heart that loves her so much more deeply than we even know how to love, to know without question that He always would have her very best interests at His heart and to have unwavering trust in His sovereign knowledge of every day He would give us to spend with her on this earth.

So... thank you, daddies, for reminding me of the Hands she was in then, is in now, and just how good they are.

**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Dear Nurse Who Cleared the NICU

Yesterday was exactly one year since the day I met you. I will never forget that day.

You had not spent one minute with me, but you had met my husband and you had spent hours taking care of my daughter.

You cared about me and you loved my family before I ever met you, and you took the initiative to do something for me, a complete stranger, that led to a life altering moment.

You cleared the NICU.

You set up an incredibly perfect and private moment and walked me to the unit to see my daughter for the first time...

...off the ventilator!

How special that surprise was to me!

You knew what that would mean to a momma who was worried about her baby girl, who was terrified to see her with those tubes in her mouth, not knowing how long they would be there or if we would get to know her without them.

You knew I needed that moment alone with my husband and baby and you made it happen.

You rocked my world that night and you painted a picture of Christ's love for me, someone who was deeply loved by Him before I even knew Him. Someone He set up a perfect moment for, a moment that would change everything... a moment that would make me His daughter!

I thank you for loving us since day one and for revealing Christ to me in days that were filled with fear and tears.

I pray that you will continue to be used in the lives of momma's who walk through those scary doors into the NICU, and that your sweet heart would bring comfort as you love on those tiny babies the way you loved on ours.

You will never be forgotten in this house, my friend!


**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Hey Birthday Girl!

Hey Birthday Girl!

Know what today is??

It's a big deal... It's a big DAY.

It's the first anniversary of the most important day of your life.

One year ago today God surprised us with the best gift we've ever received: YOU. You came ten weeks early, 2 pounds, 5 ounces and 15 inches long and today......

...is your FIRST BIRTHDAY!!!

Today we are celebrating YOU... all 17 pounds, 1 ounce and 29 inches of YOU!

We're gonna celebrate, we're gonna pin the fin on the mermaid, we're gonna eat cupcakes, spend time with family, open some gifts, smother you with hugs and kisses, reminisce about last January, look at pictures, and then you know what else we're gonna do? We're gonna celebrate some more!

Why?

...because it's your birthday, and in this house we celebrate birthdays, weeks and months!

...because YOU, Mercy Marie Ellzey, are a gift worth celebrating.

...and because one year ago today you changed our lives permanently.

How can we not celebrate you today?

Did you know that when you came into our world last January 18 YOU became the clearest picture of the mercy of Jesus that we had ever personally experienced?

Did you know that every day that has passed since then, Jesus has shown us His mercy more and more abundantly?

Did you know that seeing Jesus give YOU the strength and mercy you needed to fight in the NICU gave us a completely new understanding of what His mercy looks like in our own lives?

In the first days and weeks of your life we knew we may not get to keep you, we knew the very real possibility that you may not get to stay here on earth with us. That realization gave way to many hard and scary conversations between your daddy and me. One thing we knew, the one thing that gave us hope and stared right at us each time we walked towards your isolette... a small piece of paper with your tiny foot prints and one big word written right under your left heel:

MERCY

Your name was chosen for you years ago before we knew anything about your birth story.

It could not be a more perfect fit, your name means 'withholding the judgement that one deserves.'

Mercy, you have painted a beautiful picture of mercy, you have been used in incomprehensible ways in our lives. Your birth, your fight, your growth have displayed in such clarity the death that we've been spared from experiencing and the absolutely magnificent and completely undeserved gift of life that we've been given in Jesus.

Sweet one, we got to keep you, we got to bring you home and watch you grow, and today we get to sing 'happy birthday' to you for the very first time!

You, daughter of the King, daughter of... mine??

How did we get such a gift?

When Jesus gifted us with you, He blessed us so tremendously more than we could ever have requested or deserved.

Know what's crazy, sweet girl?

The gift of YOU is but a light shining towards the gift of Jesus, the SON OF GOD hanging on a cross for my sin and yours, risen to life and sittin' with His Daddy right now.

Know who His Daddy is? YOUR Daddy!

Precious girl, may every day of your life be a celebration of how much your Daddy loves you. May you grow each day in your understanding of the mercy He has shown you. May you fall so in love with the Creator and Sustainer of your beautiful life and one day, may we celebrate an even more important day, the first day of your new life in Him.

So... We'll celebrate you today, and we'll celebrate you tomorrow...

Know why?

Because YOU, little lady, are a daily reminder, a daily portrait of the face of the mercy of Jesus Christ, and we love you with every bit of our existence.

Happy Birthday sweet, precious gift.

All my love,
  Your Momma!

*I've mentioned before that our lives were transformed during Mercy's seven week stay in the NICU. This is the first post in a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of that transformation, that pointed us toward Jesus, the Gospel, and Biblical truths. Consistency is my goal here, and consistency is a struggle for me, so we'll see how this series thing goes!! :)

Saying Bye Bye

We talked last time about how I'm a sentimental nutcase...

So it should come as no surprise that leaving 2013 behind is throwing me off a little. How exciting that we're entering a new year, new milestones, new newness, who knows what kind of craziness is going to happen in all of the new ahead of us!

But.......

2013 was the best ever. EVER.

...in every way possible. Just... the best.

So when I got up this morning with Mercy, all excited about the newness today brings, I couldn't help but find tears welling up... We spent some time in her room, she explored and since she's strictly in 6-9 month clothes now, I started cleaning out her 3 month clothes.

I dread this every time... Putting away little onesies and precious outfits that she's outgrown is literally devastating to me! My favorite little things that I couldn't wait for her to be big enough to wear, she's now too big to wear and that just boggles my mind. How am I supposed to say goodbye to these little things that mark milestones in my sweet girls growth?? How am I supposed to just put them in a bag and toss them in the attic to be forgotten until maybe needed again...?? Oh man... I can't handle it.

...and looming in the back of my mind is the knowledge that in just a few months I'll be doing this again.... Oh man. Already feeling sad about that!

So... of course, after I was completely done, before I handed the bag over to be sent to the attic, I snuck back in to grab my very favorite:

...just not ready, y'all.

Newness, I love it. I love experiencing each new little bit of awesomeness that happens with Mercy every day. This is SUCH a fun stage, watching her learn new things on a daily basis, and her fascination with everything new she finds is so much fun to see.

...but with newness, we inevitably have to say "bye bye" to the old.

And that's just not easy for me.

Thank God for Mercy. She is teaching me so much through this stage. For her, this newness is a breeze! When that girl started crawling, there was no looking back! She was so ready to go and leave sitting still in the dust!

...and don't you think that's God's desire for our hearts?

As we daily turn our lives over to Him and learn to trust in Him, don't you think He longs to see us joyfully leave old sins and old habits in the dust?

In 2 Corinthians 5:17 Paul says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

This is what happens when we turn to Christ. It happens out of joy and gratitude to the Savior of our souls. It's a natural occurrence, Christlike newness. Certainly not something that credits us with salvation, but in contrast, it's something that happens in response to the free gift of salvation we've been given in Christ. And... it's awesome.

It is. Super awesome.

Even with this incredibly awesome Christlike newness that I experience daily, I struggle. I struggle so hard to say goodbye to sins that I'm dealing with, that I've dealt with for years. Leaving those things in the dust, that's called repentance. It's turning from our sins, and doesn't always come easy. Especially when you like to hold onto things of old like I do!  ...so hard to say goodbye to old sins and habits that harm my relationship with God.

This one here:

...she's teaching me loads and loads about saying bye bye to the old.

She's a daily reminder of the joy found in Christlike newness. When she accomplishes something new, her face lights up with excitement as soon as she locks eyes with her daddy. I love to watch him work with her on new skills she's practicing, he helps her learn to put one foot in front of the other as she practices walking holding onto his hands, he helps her learn new sounds and syllables, he claps and shouts with joy when she pulls up in tough spots. I looove to watch her crawl to him, reach for his hands, turn her head and smile when she hears his voice.

Mercy goes to her daddy for help and he is so more than excited to help her grow and learn tough new skills.

As I watch those two and consider my own struggle to say goodbye to the old, I am reminded of my Daddy's desire for me to come to Him for help in my own trek towards newness. I'm reminded of His joy in teaching me to turn from the old toward Him and the beautiful newness He offers me... and I'm reminded of the JOY in all of this.

There is so much joy in Christlike newness, in the gift of salvation and in this amazing life of following Him.

Saying "Bye bye..."

Love it, embrace it, friends. It's new. It's good.

Let's experience Christlike newness each day in 2014, let's seek His face and learn to grow more and more into His likeness. Let's LOVE all the new that He offers us.

Speaking of new, check out Mercy's new camera, now she's just like her mommy!!