Why consider foster care? Because He said yes

Foster care...

Why did we say yes to foster care?

Here's the simple answer to a not so simple question:

We said "Yes!" because He said "YES!"

I mentioned in the previous post the condition of my heart being revealed hard and fast... it's ugly. As filthy and murky as can be.

So, question... have you ever found yourself thinking you've learned it all, not much growing left to do, conquered your toughest sins...? I've heard others say it and I've felt it myself, even when I didn't realize it... the belief that we've overcome our greatest sins and the only thing we need to work on is the small stuff... I gossip here and there, sometimes I worry a little, I was short with my husband the other day, I should be a little more patient with the kids...

Oh, how deeply sinful to have even considered this...

The small stuff??

Is the gossip on a different level than the selfish desire for my own happiness over other's? Is worrying here and there any better than the intense distrust in the Savior's plan for my family and our foster son's family? Is the impatience less to my God than the deeply rooted hatefulness that I have begun to recognize in myself as I have grown to love the children and teenagers in foster care over the last several years? Have any of us really ever been 'over' the need for growth and the cleansing of our hearts??

This filthy, murky heart... How could anyone love it? How could anyone desire it? How could anyone sacrifice Himself in order to make this heart His own?

I don't know how, I don't know why... I know that when this girl with her ugly heart was an orphan of this world, He said, "YES!"

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8

At just the right time, while I was still a sinner, AM still a sinner.

Christ died for ME!

He said yes! He changed everything! My status, my family, my future. He promised me His own inheritance, and an eternal home with HIM!

(See Adoption: An Easter Story for teaching on these specific topics)

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1a

Children of God. No. Longer. Orphans.

And what does He ask of us?

To live a life of gratitude, to walk in His footsteps (1 John 2:6)... pick up our cross and follow Him (Luke 9:23&24). How could we say no when He prompted our hearts to care for these children in the foster care system?

He stepped in when our futures were hopeless. We must step in for these, His, children and their families when their own futures are uncertain at best.

We MUST be willing to hurt, to cry, to sacrifice ourselves for the least of these and pray for victory in the lives of all involved.

And believe me, I cry. I just finished wiping my messy, ugly tears a minute ago...

But after I cry and after the fear in my frightened heart subsides, I have to smile. I know this pain means beauty, celebration for a mama who has hurt far worse than me.

Victory, friends. Has there ever been a greater victory than the cross? The moment we became children of the most high God?

Never.

The moment this baby is united forever with his mama and daddy and they begin a new and beautiful life together... That will be a glimpse of the victory we were given on the cross, a glimpse that will grow my gratitude and my understanding of my own reunification with my Father, a glimpse that will leave me changed. Forever.

We must choose victory. He chose it for us and we must choose it for these families in the foster care system.

We said "Yes" because He said "Yes," friends.

Has the Lord prompted your heart to care for His children? Will you pray about saying "Yes" to His call?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. Ephesians 1:3-8

**This post is part of a series of posts aiming to answer the question, "Why did you choose foster care?" If any of these words or these posts spark an interest in your heart to consider foster parenting, please contact me or visit crossroadsnola.org/foster-care for information about fostering in the St. Tammany Parish and New Orleans area.**

Why consider foster care? ...an introduction

Several months ago, before our foster son ever filled our home and our hearts, I began writing a series of blog posts that would attempt to answer one simple question:

Why?

What I have learned on this journey so far is just how simple this question is NOT.

After we became certified last October and even after baby boy arrived in December, I couldn't even answer that question for myself. I thought I could, but I was wrong. Only after the INTENSE work the Lord has done on my heart can I even begin to answer that "simple" question.

There have been a lot of emotions over the last four months that I hope to write about one day. Looking back on the posts I began writing all those months ago... my heart was in an ugly place. I know the Lord put the brakes on those posts. I wasn't ready. I was in an emotional, bitter and frightened place.

And, if I'm honest... many days I'm still in that place. The difference between then and now is the clarity I've received, my eyes being opened WIDE to the condition of my heart and the sanctifying and refining work that has begun. I didn't even know, I was blind...

But now... I think I'm ready to begin mulling through the reasons we said "YES!" to foster care.

I think this series will be a continual work in progress as I'm still growing and learning daily about the reasons we have been chosen for this journey.

I think the question "Why?" means something different for every person who asks us.

For some, it's "Why risk your heart?"

For others it's "Why now?"

"Why not domestic newborn adoption? International adoption?" "Why put your daughter through that?" "Your family will change so much, why jump out of a perfectly good airplane?" "Why the added stress? You know how 'those kids' can be." "Why not try for more of your own first? Then decide if you want somebody else's later, when yours are grown."

Oh... so many questions. I know a lot of this is curiosity, a lot of it is a lack of understanding of who foster kids are and what the system is like. Maybe this series will give you some clarity, maybe it will give me some clarity. Maybe it will spark an interest that has been hiding in your heart to consider foster parenting...

I certainly don't mind answering questions...

But before I start, let me go ahead and let you know what this series will not do:

This series will not be specific to our current foster situation. I will draw from this experience and our past respite and group home experience, but every situation is different, and I will not share specifics about our foster son, his parents, why he is in care, etc. It's their story only. Please respect the individuals involved in this journey and just. don't. ask.

This series will not aim to guilt you into considering foster care or adoption. We know this is a calling that not everybody has been given. While we firmly believe each and every one of us has been called to care for orphans, we know there are many many faces of orphan care, this is only one. And even in the world of foster care there are many faces of orphan care that don't involve bringing a child into your home temporarily or long term. I would LOVE to share these options, and will dedicate a post to these other options very soon!

So... with these things in mind and with my emotions and brain in a some type of "readiness" mode, welcome to the "This Is Why" series! I hope it answers some questions for ALL of us.



**This post is part of a series of posts aiming to answer the question, "Why did you choose foster care?" If any of these words or these posts spark an interest in your heart to consider foster parenting, please contact me or visit crossroadsnola.org/foster-care for information about fostering in the St. Tammany Parish and New Orleans area.**

To the mama working hard to take this child from me...

Dear Mama,

Yesterday you told me that you love us... and there are a few things I need to ask you.

Do you know how much I love your son? No. You couldn't possibly.

Do you know that I relish in his sweet baby scent?

Do you know I look forward to our 3am snuggles, even more so as they're happening less and less?

Do you know how deeply the sound of his sweet cries and coos have filled my heart? It's overflowing!

Do you know that I celebrate his milestones like he's winning gold medals?

Do you know that I smother him with kisses every day, asking him to store them in his chubby cheeks for the days that he's with you?

Do you know that I weep?

I weep when I kiss his cheeks. I weep when I tell him I love him. I weep when I hear about your success. And I weep simply because I'm weeping.

I want you to know that I have given this boy my heart. I have not held back or guarded my love as I've cared for him. I have bonded with him deeply, and his sweet smile melts my heart every time as I fall deeper and deeper for him. When he goes home to you, whenever that day comes, my beating heart will stop for a brief moment as I process the loss of your son who I have loved. I will spend weeks and months picking up broken pieces of who I was when he was in my arms. I will think about him every minute and miss him for the rest of my life. I will never stop loving him.

This... loving your son while you work so hard to bring him home... This is not easy.

Mama, I want you to know that you're worth it. I need you to know that I'm on your team. I support you and I pray daily for your success.

I didn't always feel that way. There have been days that I've been angry, days that I've begged for this child to stay in our home and become our son... and I think I've figured out that I'm afraid of you, of the threat you carry to break up this family of four that I've grown to love so much. I understand now what that means for you. I understand that means great loss for you, that my desire for this sweet boy to be mine comes at the detriment of your success, your health.

My pain is merely a glimpse of the pain you have experienced these three months as a stranger has cared for your son.  I can't understand, I will never know what you've been through and I would never claim to. 

But I imagine you have a letter with a similar title, though it is written to the mama who took your son. I imagine the content is very different, I imagine your heart aches to depths mine can't even fathom.

I couldn't possibly know how much love you have in your heart for this precious boy you carried and nurtured for nine months...

...but I know you would trade your rest for the sleepless nights of snuggling this snuggle-bug.

I know you would trade your peaceful quiet for the cries and coos that this little man has brought to our home. 

I know you would do anything, and you ARE, to have his sweet baby scent fill your rooms.

I know that when I celebrate his milestones, you are mourning because you're not here for them.

I know that when I kiss his cheeks, you are far away longing for the opportunity to smother his sweet face with kisses.

I know that you weep. I've seen you weep.

And I weep for you...

I have come to love that this baby boy has your face. When I look at him, I see you. When I pray for him, I'm praying for you. When I celebrate his milestones, I'm also celebrating yours. When I'm filled with pride for him, I am so very proud of you. And when I love him, I'm loving you, too.

Yesterday you told me that you love us.

I cried.

We love you too, Mama.

There is NO grey in HOPE

Five years ago I sat in a courtroom and basically begged a judge not to put me on a jury for a child pornography case. He asked if I could make an unbiased decision about the guilt of the man sitting before me. I said no. I've know too many young children, aged 2 to 16, who have been violently raped and abused. I knew I couldn't look at this man with unbiased eyes. After I was chosen and sat with a group of men and women in the deliberation room, several of them remarked that they couldn't believe I was picked having been so honest about my history with children exposed to sexual violence. Whatever... I was chosen. And I swear I would have sat in that deliberation room for months with those two dummies who claimed this man was not guilty beyond reasonable doubt. I could never let my mind stop assuming they too were perpetrators. Why else would they fight so hard for this man who was CLEARLY guilty? Thankfully, we needed ten out twelve guilty's and we had that. So. Guilty he was. One day of my life very well spent putting a child sex offender behind bars. I left and thought I was done. Ugh. I wasn't done. I'm still not done with that stupid case. I still remember his face, it'll never go away. I remember his name, sometimes I hear his last name and wonder if it's a relative and if they have similar habits. I find it hard not to judge them based solely on their last name. I know that's wrong, but I can't stop my mind from going there... Even worse are the images that have haunted me since that day. The videos and photos they found on his computer. Why did they show us?? I know why... but really, WHY? They are still as vivid as they were in plain view on the screen in front of us. I don't always see them, but every now and then something reminds me and I see them. Those girls, objects of violent sexual abuse, exposed for the world to see, horrendous things being done to them that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.... and I weep for them, and I wish I could forget, but I know that I won't. I can't. Before I saw them I didn't know. I didn't know their faces or how to pray for their safety. I didn't want to believe it was really happening, but it is. I can't deny it and turn a blind eye anymore. I've seen it, and I'm changed because of it.

...and I think that's why this whole Fifty Shades of Grey thing is really getting to me. I've read all the blogs about why we shouldn't read these books or see this movie... God, our husbands, ourselves... And I get it, and I won't read the books or see the movie for those reasons and I'll share those blogs because they're awesome. But something else has been nagging at me that those blogs aren't writing about...

It's that girl. One specifically, I can close my eyes and see her frightened face. She must have been 8 or 9 years old. She did not choose to be tied up, a victim of the sadist who held her hostage and did unthinkable things to her. She didn't ask for her body to be displayed for the pleasure of perverse men and women around the globe, she was just a little girl... who's childhood and innocence were stolen from her for perverse pleasure and a quick penny. Who's life, even after rescue, will never be the same due to the violence she has endured.

This was a child under the control of a sadist, a person who has the condition of sadism, in which one receives sexual gratification from causing pain and degradation to another (dictionary.com).

And she's not alone. She's just one of hundreds of thousands of women who have been trafficked and sold into sex slavery and are held hostage today by sadists in your city and around the globe and about another 300,000 a year who have been victims of sexual assault. This is not ok. This is not a light subject matter for us to find interesting and intriguing and seek pleasure from. These women need a voice. OUR voice.

So friends, please, before you take part in this lunacy, I beg you to reconsider. If not for God or your husband or yourself, please reconsider for your sisters... the women and children around the globe who have been sold into sex slavery and are subject to the very same sexual violence enacted by the sadist in this film. Please don't make light of the circumstances they did not choose for themselves. Please don't normalize sexual brutality. And please, PLEASE don't give financially to the promotion and glorification of this violent behavior.

Instead, I challenge you to make a sacrifice for hope. Maybe you read the books and have been highly anticipating the movie. Maybe you've seen the previews and are considering buying the books before you see the movie. Make the sacrifice. Just. Don't. Do. It. It won't be worth it, you won't forget what you've seen, it'll affect you in ways you don't even realize, but don't make this sacrifice for yourself. Make if for your sisters who are in sex slavery right now, probably in your own city. I'll be donating the $12 I won't be spending on the film and the $28 I won't be spending on the books to a local home that offers hope and healing to young women who have been rescued from sex slavery. I encourage you to look into local options or global campaigns such as Not For Sale and sacrifice the money you would have given to this promotion of sexual violence to ENDING sexual violence. If we stand together against this evil, we can make a difference. Let's fight for the rights of these women and children who's innocence and lives have been stolen by men like Christian Grey and by communities like those who worship him.

Don't allow this garbage any space in your brain. Combat it with truth:

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:1-2

Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name. Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.
Hebrews 3:15-16

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:8


Here's a quick list of organizations serving sexually exploited women and children, and victims of sexual assault, there are links to donate right on the home pages:
For my Georgia folks: Rape Response
South Louisiana: Free Indeed Home
Global: Not For Sale

Know of an organization I need to add to this list? Let me know in the comments and I'll add it. I'd love to see this list grow and show the colors of hope for these women around the world.

You're two. Stop growing.

I read this CaringBridge entry a couple of days ago. It was written the evening of the day we left the hospital, coming home empty handed while our brand new baby girl slept in an incubator 15 minutes away with tubes down her throat...

This is her in those days:

And this is her almost two weeks ago, on her SECOND birthday:

Being the most sentimental person alive, you can imagine what these last few weeks have been like in my head...

But with the craze of Christmas, family visits and adding another child to our family all within one month of this girl's big day, I haven't had the opportunity to sit down and write about it... So. Both babies are sleeping, and this is my chance... Enjoy my mushy gushy sentiment, world!

Sweet TWO year old Mercy,

Ugh. I'm already crying.

Where do I even start? Watching you grow has made me grow, seeing bits of your precious personality emerge over the course of the last two years has been one of the best adventures of my life. Every day we see new little quirks and pieces of who you are now and who you are becoming. The journey we have been on with you has been more blessed than I could ever have imagined.

One of your nurses in the NICU told us a story one afternoon your daddy and I were visiting. She told us about how you FLIPPED your three pound little body over all on your own. She watched you do it. You were on your belly and you just stretched one of your little legs and somehow turned yourself over. You knew what you wanted.... That's what she told us that day. You know what you want... and you're gonna get it.

When I look at that picture of you in the NICU I don't even see a glimpse of who you are today, physically speaking... but when I remember those little bits of your personality coming out even in those teensy tiny days, I see so much of you. Girl, you KNOW what you want. In this house, that doesn't mean you're always gonna get what you want, but just like in the days of flipping yourself over and extubating yourself in your isolette, you have a strong opinion about what is right for you, and you are going to do your best to get it. That includes the sweetest, most pitiful crocodile tears, hugs, kisses, belly laughs, and the occasional tantrum.... Oh, you try your hardest, don't you? The best part is seeing your understanding grow. On one hand you know what you want, and on the other hand you trust your daddy and I very much to know what's right... and THAT is the greatest compliment.

I remember another day we visited you. As we approached your isolette, we just started giggling. You had wiggled your way completely off of the rolled up blanket keeping you in place. You were tucked all the way at the end of your little bed and as comfortable as ever. We used to just watch you wiggle and kick your little legs. You were so active even when you were so tiny. When we brought you home and would snuggle with you on the couch, you always found a way to wiggle your little body in the strangest positions. Always moving...

...and you're still always moving! My very favorite thing you do right now is run through the house yelling over and over, "I'm running! I'm running! I'm running!" Oh my goodness, I hope you still do that when you're 16. Please never stop dancing in the living room and spinning in circles in the kitchen, don't ever stop wiggling your little booty in the air when you're sound asleep. Don't grow out of peekaboo and eskimo kisses, the most adorable hide and seek I've ever played or singing Ariel and Scuttle ALL. DAY. LONG.

Watching you become YOU has been such a privilege. Seeing bits of me in you has made my heart complete. Watching you fearlessly reach for worms, frogs and lizards makes my heart happier than you'll ever know! Snuggling on the couch for some Disney classics is one of your very favorite things, and mine too, can we snuggle all day in front of the Lion King, The Little Mermaid and Aladdin for the rest of our lives? Please? I love when your hands get dirty and you stop what you're doing to stare at them. You stare at them in completely still silence until somebody cleans them or gives you something to clean them with. Girl, you get that from me. And I'm sorry for that one... but I also love it a little. ;)

Seeing bits of your daddy in you makes me fall in love with both of you more and more every day. Watching you sit on his lap and watch hours of football brings so much joy to my heart. You know a Clemson Tiger Paw and a Saints Fleur de Lis from a mile away, and your daddy couldn't be prouder. The joy in your eyes when you discovered your football decorated birthday party was too much. Your passion, endless energy, remarkable memory, attention to detail, you are your daddy's girl in so many ways.

I know the Lord is molding you into His image daily. Your two year old personality is just a tiny glimpse of who you are becoming, and that makes me so excited to know the woman you will be one day. Some of these things you got from us... your love of critters, mermaids, football... Even more fun has been seeing little bits of YOU come out. Pieces of the little girl He is growing you into.  YOU have so much love in your heart and such a desire to share that love and serve your friends and family in the sweetest two year old ways. Whether it's consoling your baby brother by bringing him your favorite toys, recognizing when any of us are upset and giving us the sweetest hugs and pats on the back, sharing your toys and presents with friends who visit, or the level of deep sadness you feel when anyone you love leaves our home, you are always sharing your heart and that is one of your most precious attributes.

You're getting so big, and even though I have banished the phrase "I can't wait" from my vocabulary, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited to see how you'll grow and what you'll be like a year from now. Each stage has been more fun and amazing than the last. I can't imagine life being more awesome than it is today, but I'm looking forward to seeing what this next year has in store for our little family of four! Thank you, my sweet Mercy girl, for physically defining what mercy is in your first days and continually reminding us of the grace we've been given in getting to be your mommy and daddy. We couldn't be more blessed and we couldn't love you more.

But for now, let's go ahead and stay two forever, ok?

Thanks. Love you.
--Your Mommy