Why consider foster care? Because their hearts matter

"Guard your heart," they said.

I almost bought into it too...

...and I understand where they're coming from.

Protect my heart. It's the only way. Love half-way so that my heart can't break. If I don't let myself love this guy with all the love in my heart, there is less of a chance that I'll hurt in the end.

I know they're just worried about us, worried that our hearts will break. They love us, they don't want to see us in pain.

This little man who we have fallen so deep for... To think about him leaving... is heart breaking to say the least. How can I keep myself from feeling pain and mourning for a lifetime when he's gone? Simple: I can't... not happening.

The risk we take in foster care is falling in love with a child who may leave our home one day...

Yes... scary, heart breaking, risky... so risky that some of us close our eyes to the realities that children are facing in our communities... Sometimes I feel like the risk to our hearts is so much that we've forgotten the hearts of those who are truly at risk in these situations....

The hearts of the babies, children, and teenagers in the system who have been neglected, beaten, broken down and... forgotten about.

Forgotten about by everyone they've ever cared about, and forgotten about by those of us who say we can't take care of them, "it's too risky, we would love them too much, get too attached."

Guess what, friends who would love them too much, these kiddos need YOU. These kids need somebody to get too attached, someone who's heart would break for them. Do you know that many of the children in foster care have never experienced someone loving them that much? Someone loving them so sacrificially that they would risk their heart breaking just so they could pour too much love into their hearts?

We must remember the hearts of these kids. Their hearts matter.

Maybe even more than our's...? Definitely in a different capacity than our's.

This, friends, is a heart issue. And a big one.

We know our hearts matter, of course they matter... but let's not worry about our own hearts. Our hearts are filled with the love of family, friends, our Savior and Creator, and our love for each other. If our hearts break, it looks like we've got a pretty awesome support system waiting to take care of us and love us through the pain.

We must refuse to go half-in for these children, and their families, who may have little to no support system, and we must refuse to leave them in the hands of families who will not love them too much (read this and this and let your anger move you to action in our community!)

As a community of believers, will we choose to give these children only some of our hearts so that the rest of our hearts won't feel pain..? Or will we go all in for them?

Give 100%, friends. These children need every ounce of love in our hearts to be there for them now, and even when they leave. They need us to be family who will mourn for them and miss them every day for the rest of our lives. If these kids leave their foster homes and one day find themselves in a dark place and a sad environment, they need to know we loved them so much that twenty years later, we're still praying for them and loving them.

I am SO blessed to have a close friend and former foster mama model this for me. Just last week she showed me photos of her foster son who is a grown man now, who still calls her "mom" and calls when he needs her love. And she still prays for him, all these years later.

While I understand the concern, I urge you to be less concerned for our hearts and more concerned for the hearts of these children in foster care. If our precious foster son goes home tomorrow, each of these 181 days we've loved him will be worth every ounce of pain we will experience from losing him. We would do it one hundred times over.

Can I take a minute to relate this sacrificial love to all of us?

How sad would our lives be if we held back on loving people because of the risk we take in losing them. Isn't this a risk in all our relationships? Are we promised tomorrow with any of our loved ones?

When Mercy came ten weeks early and Chris was told that she might not make it through the night, did we decide to guard our hearts in case we lost her? NO. We went ALL. IN. More in than ever, loved her more than we knew how, cherished all of our seconds with her knowing there may not be as many as we hoped. She needed us more in those days than ever. This baby boy needs our whole hearts, not the guarded versions. He needs us to love him too much today, and I think we need him too.

I think we need him so we can better understand our heavenly Father's all-in love for us.

What if He held back on loving us because of this same risk, or because He feared becoming too attached and losing us?

What if the fear of us turning away from Him stopped Him from sending Jesus here to rescue us?

What if He guarded His heart when we were at our worst, in our deepest need of Him?

"We love because He first loved us."

1 John 4:19

Oh, and He loved us so much, friends. SO much more than you and I could ever deserve or even begin to understand. There's no {worldy} sense in it, yet there was never a second thought. Only love. All-in love for a bunch of broken, hurt, damaged hearts who would turn and fight and walk away. That's me and that's you. Let's offer the love He has shown us to those He has put in our care. Let's be more concerned for their hearts and less concerned for our own.

For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps. 1 Peter 2:21 (NLT)

**This post is part of a series of posts aiming to answer the question, "Why did you choose foster care?" If any of these words or these posts spark an interest in your heart to consider foster parenting, please contact me or visit crossroadsnola.org/foster-care for information about fostering in the St. Tammany Parish and New Orleans area.**

Why consider foster care? Because we have room

Why did we choose foster care?

Another simple answer...

We. 

Have. 

Room.

When we moved to Louisiana seven years ago I accepted a job at a state funded group home. I worked there for nine months... Those nine months were absolutely life changing. They were my first real exposure to the world of foster care and the children in the system. We cared for children from about eleven to seventeen. Traumatized, hurt, angry, damaged by the things they had experienced in their lives so far. Longing for love, but understandably guarded. When they allowed me to love them, that was the greatest of privileges. These kids changed me. Completely. And I'm SO blessed to have been able to keep in touch with several of them who have continued to let me love them and have loved me back in a way that humbles me and brings big weepy tears to my eyes.

I want to share an experience with you... One single day at work that changed our lives and our future for good.

Christmas day, 2008. Chris came to work with me, there were eight kids who had nowhere to go on Christmas. No family, no aunts, grandparents, no mama or daddy, no willing previous foster home... nobody.

I look back on that day, on the tears, the fighting... there were TONS of gifts that had been donated, and I wondered for a moment why these kids were so ungrateful... they threw things, they yelled, the color wasn't right, it wasn't the brand they hoped for... didn't they realize they were getting gifts?? From strangers who cared about them?

I quickly realized where the grief poured from.. while their friends from school were in their homes opening gifts from their mama and grandmama, they were in an institution opening handouts from strangers...

Christmas. Day.

These eight children very literally had nobody.

...and did I mention it was Christmas??

Nobody should have nobody on Christmas!

Chris and I went home that night with a new understanding of the calling the Lord was placing on our lives. We walked into our three bedroom home and we knew.

These kids needed somewhere to go, someone to love them on Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, weekends, Thursdays, Mondays, every day, every hour and every minute.

And we had room.

When I left my job several months later we quickly sought foster certification. For the next several years until our daughter was born we welcomed these teenagers from group homes into our life and our home on holidays and weekends and whenever we could. We cooked with them, prayed with them, had family dinners, watched movies, opened gifts, played games, LOVED with every ounce of our hearts because these kids are SO lovable. We loved each one who spent time with us and we will love them forever.

Each of these moments were gifts from the God who called us and prepared us. I will never forget some of the experiences we shared with these precious ones and how He used them to mold me into who I am today. They showed me that not only did I have room in my home, I had even more room in my heart.

And even after Mercy came into our lives and filled our hearts so full, those sweet ones who have kept in touch continued to remind me of how much room there was to love, and even one more little heart ready to share her love with the world.

As Mercy grew over the course of that first year, I would walk into that empty bedroom and just wonder who would fill it. I often prayed for our future foster children in those moments, not knowing if they had been born yet or when we would meet them. I prayed that our hearts would be prepared, I prayed for their safety, their hearts, I prayed for their parents and I thanked God for giving us room to grow our family, even if only temporarily, through these precious little ones in foster care.

Three bedrooms, still only two were occupied.

Three hearts, so roomy and so ready to love.

...and friends, that's about as simple as it gets.

We have room, so we said yes.

And oh how very blessed we have been by saying yes to this sweet little man who has filled our home and our hearts over the last five months!

Do you have room? ...in your home? ...in your heart?

If you have some empty space, will you commit to praying that the Lord show you ways to fill it that will honor Him? It may not look like foster care, adoption or respite care, but if it does please continue to pray, contact me or other foster parents and organizations in your area, seek information and pray. Don't. Stop. Praying.

**This post is part of a series of posts aiming to answer the question, "Why did you choose foster care?" If any of these words or these posts spark an interest in your heart to consider foster parenting, please contact me or visit crossroadsnola.org/foster-care for information about fostering in the St. Tammany Parish and New Orleans area.**

Why consider foster care? Because He said yes

Foster care...

Why did we say yes to foster care?

Here's the simple answer to a not so simple question:

We said "Yes!" because He said "YES!"

I mentioned in the previous post the condition of my heart being revealed hard and fast... it's ugly. As filthy and murky as can be.

So, question... have you ever found yourself thinking you've learned it all, not much growing left to do, conquered your toughest sins...? I've heard others say it and I've felt it myself, even when I didn't realize it... the belief that we've overcome our greatest sins and the only thing we need to work on is the small stuff... I gossip here and there, sometimes I worry a little, I was short with my husband the other day, I should be a little more patient with the kids...

Oh, how deeply sinful to have even considered this...

The small stuff??

Is the gossip on a different level than the selfish desire for my own happiness over other's? Is worrying here and there any better than the intense distrust in the Savior's plan for my family and our foster son's family? Is the impatience less to my God than the deeply rooted hatefulness that I have begun to recognize in myself as I have grown to love the children and teenagers in foster care over the last several years? Have any of us really ever been 'over' the need for growth and the cleansing of our hearts??

This filthy, murky heart... How could anyone love it? How could anyone desire it? How could anyone sacrifice Himself in order to make this heart His own?

I don't know how, I don't know why... I know that when this girl with her ugly heart was an orphan of this world, He said, "YES!"

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8

At just the right time, while I was still a sinner, AM still a sinner.

Christ died for ME!

He said yes! He changed everything! My status, my family, my future. He promised me His own inheritance, and an eternal home with HIM!

(See Adoption: An Easter Story for teaching on these specific topics)

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1a

Children of God. No. Longer. Orphans.

And what does He ask of us?

To live a life of gratitude, to walk in His footsteps (1 John 2:6)... pick up our cross and follow Him (Luke 9:23&24). How could we say no when He prompted our hearts to care for these children in the foster care system?

He stepped in when our futures were hopeless. We must step in for these, His, children and their families when their own futures are uncertain at best.

We MUST be willing to hurt, to cry, to sacrifice ourselves for the least of these and pray for victory in the lives of all involved.

And believe me, I cry. I just finished wiping my messy, ugly tears a minute ago...

But after I cry and after the fear in my frightened heart subsides, I have to smile. I know this pain means beauty, celebration for a mama who has hurt far worse than me.

Victory, friends. Has there ever been a greater victory than the cross? The moment we became children of the most high God?

Never.

The moment this baby is united forever with his mama and daddy and they begin a new and beautiful life together... That will be a glimpse of the victory we were given on the cross, a glimpse that will grow my gratitude and my understanding of my own reunification with my Father, a glimpse that will leave me changed. Forever.

We must choose victory. He chose it for us and we must choose it for these families in the foster care system.

We said "Yes" because He said "Yes," friends.

Has the Lord prompted your heart to care for His children? Will you pray about saying "Yes" to His call?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. Ephesians 1:3-8

**This post is part of a series of posts aiming to answer the question, "Why did you choose foster care?" If any of these words or these posts spark an interest in your heart to consider foster parenting, please contact me or visit crossroadsnola.org/foster-care for information about fostering in the St. Tammany Parish and New Orleans area.**

Why consider foster care? ...an introduction

Several months ago, before our foster son ever filled our home and our hearts, I began writing a series of blog posts that would attempt to answer one simple question:

Why?

What I have learned on this journey so far is just how simple this question is NOT.

After we became certified last October and even after baby boy arrived in December, I couldn't even answer that question for myself. I thought I could, but I was wrong. Only after the INTENSE work the Lord has done on my heart can I even begin to answer that "simple" question.

There have been a lot of emotions over the last four months that I hope to write about one day. Looking back on the posts I began writing all those months ago... my heart was in an ugly place. I know the Lord put the brakes on those posts. I wasn't ready. I was in an emotional, bitter and frightened place.

And, if I'm honest... many days I'm still in that place. The difference between then and now is the clarity I've received, my eyes being opened WIDE to the condition of my heart and the sanctifying and refining work that has begun. I didn't even know, I was blind...

But now... I think I'm ready to begin mulling through the reasons we said "YES!" to foster care.

I think this series will be a continual work in progress as I'm still growing and learning daily about the reasons we have been chosen for this journey.

I think the question "Why?" means something different for every person who asks us.

For some, it's "Why risk your heart?"

For others it's "Why now?"

"Why not domestic newborn adoption? International adoption?" "Why put your daughter through that?" "Your family will change so much, why jump out of a perfectly good airplane?" "Why the added stress? You know how 'those kids' can be." "Why not try for more of your own first? Then decide if you want somebody else's later, when yours are grown."

Oh... so many questions. I know a lot of this is curiosity, a lot of it is a lack of understanding of who foster kids are and what the system is like. Maybe this series will give you some clarity, maybe it will give me some clarity. Maybe it will spark an interest that has been hiding in your heart to consider foster parenting...

I certainly don't mind answering questions...

But before I start, let me go ahead and let you know what this series will not do:

This series will not be specific to our current foster situation. I will draw from this experience and our past respite and group home experience, but every situation is different, and I will not share specifics about our foster son, his parents, why he is in care, etc. It's their story only. Please respect the individuals involved in this journey and just. don't. ask.

This series will not aim to guilt you into considering foster care or adoption. We know this is a calling that not everybody has been given. While we firmly believe each and every one of us has been called to care for orphans, we know there are many many faces of orphan care, this is only one. And even in the world of foster care there are many faces of orphan care that don't involve bringing a child into your home temporarily or long term. I would LOVE to share these options, and will dedicate a post to these other options very soon!

So... with these things in mind and with my emotions and brain in a some type of "readiness" mode, welcome to the "This Is Why" series! I hope it answers some questions for ALL of us.



**This post is part of a series of posts aiming to answer the question, "Why did you choose foster care?" If any of these words or these posts spark an interest in your heart to consider foster parenting, please contact me or visit crossroadsnola.org/foster-care for information about fostering in the St. Tammany Parish and New Orleans area.**

To the mama working hard to take this child from me...

Dear Mama,

Yesterday you told me that you love us... and there are a few things I need to ask you.

Do you know how much I love your son? No. You couldn't possibly.

Do you know that I relish in his sweet baby scent?

Do you know I look forward to our 3am snuggles, even more so as they're happening less and less?

Do you know how deeply the sound of his sweet cries and coos have filled my heart? It's overflowing!

Do you know that I celebrate his milestones like he's winning gold medals?

Do you know that I smother him with kisses every day, asking him to store them in his chubby cheeks for the days that he's with you?

Do you know that I weep?

I weep when I kiss his cheeks. I weep when I tell him I love him. I weep when I hear about your success. And I weep simply because I'm weeping.

I want you to know that I have given this boy my heart. I have not held back or guarded my love as I've cared for him. I have bonded with him deeply, and his sweet smile melts my heart every time as I fall deeper and deeper for him. When he goes home to you, whenever that day comes, my beating heart will stop for a brief moment as I process the loss of your son who I have loved. I will spend weeks and months picking up broken pieces of who I was when he was in my arms. I will think about him every minute and miss him for the rest of my life. I will never stop loving him.

This... loving your son while you work so hard to bring him home... This is not easy.

Mama, I want you to know that you're worth it. I need you to know that I'm on your team. I support you and I pray daily for your success.

I didn't always feel that way. There have been days that I've been angry, days that I've begged for this child to stay in our home and become our son... and I think I've figured out that I'm afraid of you, of the threat you carry to break up this family of four that I've grown to love so much. I understand now what that means for you. I understand that means great loss for you, that my desire for this sweet boy to be mine comes at the detriment of your success, your health.

My pain is merely a glimpse of the pain you have experienced these three months as a stranger has cared for your son.  I can't understand, I will never know what you've been through and I would never claim to. 

But I imagine you have a letter with a similar title, though it is written to the mama who took your son. I imagine the content is very different, I imagine your heart aches to depths mine can't even fathom.

I couldn't possibly know how much love you have in your heart for this precious boy you carried and nurtured for nine months...

...but I know you would trade your rest for the sleepless nights of snuggling this snuggle-bug.

I know you would trade your peaceful quiet for the cries and coos that this little man has brought to our home. 

I know you would do anything, and you ARE, to have his sweet baby scent fill your rooms.

I know that when I celebrate his milestones, you are mourning because you're not here for them.

I know that when I kiss his cheeks, you are far away longing for the opportunity to smother his sweet face with kisses.

I know that you weep. I've seen you weep.

And I weep for you...

I have come to love that this baby boy has your face. When I look at him, I see you. When I pray for him, I'm praying for you. When I celebrate his milestones, I'm also celebrating yours. When I'm filled with pride for him, I am so very proud of you. And when I love him, I'm loving you, too.

Yesterday you told me that you love us.

I cried.

We love you too, Mama.