Feelin like a bad momma...

Mercy's heart monitor has eight or so different lights on it. The lights across the bottom just tell us if it's on, plugged in, low battery, that type of thing. The three lights above those are the one's that blink to tell us she's breathing and her heart is beating, and they SCREAM when something is wrong. 

The normal scenario is this: the band that wraps around Mercy's chest holding the leads shifts around because she's such a wiggle worm and they stop picking up her heart beat. The alarm goes off telling us she has a low heart rate... she doesn't really, the monitor is confused because the leads are funky. The only alarm that has ever gone off is the low heart rate alarm, and only on two or three occasions have we actually thought she was having an episode of bradycardia. 

So today, I put her in a precious dress and we celebrated Easter at home while Chris went to church. His family just got to town and were meeting him at church then coming to our house for an Easter crawfish boil. So when they were on their way home I decided to take the monitor off for photos when they got here. No big deal, it almost never goes off and we would be right with her to notice if her color was changing or her heart slowed down. It didn't, and she did fine... 

So, we headed out back for the crawfish and decided to leave Mercy just inside the door with her audio/video monitor on her. Last minute decision, I was a little uneasy about being outside while she was inside by herself, so I put her heart monitor back on and we headed out.

Not two minutes after we sat down, the alarm began screaming. Didn't worry me too much, and I got inside to make sure she was fine after about ten or fifteen seconds. By then it had stopped alarming and she looked peaceful and asleep. I reached down to the monitor to hit the reset button and saw something that I had not seen before...

It was not the low heart rate alarm... it was the breathing alarm. She had briefly stopped breathing... the alarm doesn't go off unless she hasn't taken a breath for 20 seconds and it went off for at least five or ten before it stopped. She was fine and she was breathing again, but the problem is... she hadn't taken a breath for over twenty seconds, and she was by herself inside. I wasn't there... I should have been there.

How can I make sure I don't let her forget to breathe for twenty seconds ever again? How can I make sure I'm there everytime she needs me? How can I keep her from making mistakes and getting hurt? How can I......?

Gotta face a tough reality.... I can't.

...and somehow I have to be ok with that.

WHAT??? I'm not sure that seems even remotely possible!

I'm really struggling with this today. I know that's not my role... and thank God it isn't! I could never protect her well enough, and I would fail as her protector.

So thankful for her Heavenly Father, Who promises never to leave or forsake His children. So grateful that while she rests in my physical arms, she rests in His perfect and protective heavenly arms. SO. GRATEFUL. that whatever the outcome of her life is, HE. IS. GOOD. and has not, will not, forsake us.

Have to remember to trust Him when I can't be there, when my head tells me to forget it and take control of the situation, when I'm scared, fearful, anxious, when it's just plain hard to trust Him... trust Him. He is GOOD! 

I certainly don't have it figured out, I'm still getting wispy when I picture that red light next to the illustration of lungs on her monitor, when I think about her little body not breathing in any oxygen for more than 20 seconds, when I remember not being there for her. Still feeling like a bad momma for not being there when she needed me. Still worrying about her and still praying for trust.

Pray with me?

What a gift she is... Look at her today, all dressed up for our Easter celebration and smiling for the camera:
This was our Easter sermon today: http://www.radical.net/media/series/view/17/adoption-an-easter-story/audio?filter=book&book=40
We still can't go to church, so we listened to an old Easter service from Church at Brook Hills and were so blessed by David Platt's sermon on adoption into the family of God. You should listen, it's good stuff!

Thank you for reading and thank you for praying. Today we are asking God for increased trust as I continue to be her momma by daily laying her in His protective arms.