Dear Doctor So and So
/
I trusted you...
I trusted you to medically nurture my pregnancy, to keep me as informed as possible of what complications may arise and what they would mean, to value the life of the little person growing inside of me, to give me reasons to feel peace about the outcome of my pregnancy, to hear me, to take time to talk to me, to acknowledge my fear and my pain, offer solutions, comfort, expertise...
...you let me down.
You caused MANY tears, I said MANY ugly and mean things, I felt hatred in my heart towards the way you talked about my daughter her first few minutes in the world, I yelled and fought and CRIED at the thought of returning to you, I experienced tremendous anxiety when I knew you were on call at the hospital, increased heart rate, cold sweat, all of that...
But...
Despite YOU and ME and ALL of the circumstances, you very successfully brought my child into the world... and you taught me an important lesson about forgiveness while you did it.
Remembering the anger I felt toward you brings back emotions I experienced that are not pleasant or nice, and often makes me wonder what my Creator and Savior feels when I hurt Him and rebel against Him on a daily basis...
One more time... my Creator and my Savior.
...and I rebel against Him daily.
The Giver of my life and my child's life who rescued me, offering me eternal life because He loves me... that's the one I choose to sin against daily.
I believe He has every reason to feel infinitely more towards me what I have felt towards you.
It's taken more than a year to process the lesson you taught me and I still feel immense pain at times...
...but one year and a precious, healthy baby girl later I know that I've forgiven you.
Doctor, I forgive you because without you, that sweet girl may not be here today.
I forgive you...
...because Christ forgave me.
I trusted you to medically nurture my pregnancy, to keep me as informed as possible of what complications may arise and what they would mean, to value the life of the little person growing inside of me, to give me reasons to feel peace about the outcome of my pregnancy, to hear me, to take time to talk to me, to acknowledge my fear and my pain, offer solutions, comfort, expertise...
...you let me down.
You caused MANY tears, I said MANY ugly and mean things, I felt hatred in my heart towards the way you talked about my daughter her first few minutes in the world, I yelled and fought and CRIED at the thought of returning to you, I experienced tremendous anxiety when I knew you were on call at the hospital, increased heart rate, cold sweat, all of that...
But...
Despite YOU and ME and ALL of the circumstances, you very successfully brought my child into the world... and you taught me an important lesson about forgiveness while you did it.
Remembering the anger I felt toward you brings back emotions I experienced that are not pleasant or nice, and often makes me wonder what my Creator and Savior feels when I hurt Him and rebel against Him on a daily basis...
One more time... my Creator and my Savior.
...and I rebel against Him daily.
The Giver of my life and my child's life who rescued me, offering me eternal life because He loves me... that's the one I choose to sin against daily.
I believe He has every reason to feel infinitely more towards me what I have felt towards you.
It's taken more than a year to process the lesson you taught me and I still feel immense pain at times...
...but one year and a precious, healthy baby girl later I know that I've forgiven you.
Doctor, I forgive you because without you, that sweet girl may not be here today.
I forgive you...
...because Christ forgave me.
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved,
compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,
bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other;
as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."
Colossians 3:12-14
**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**
