Meet Luke

But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

Luke 18:16-17

Many of you walked the journey of loss with me nine years ago as we traveled to Indiana to bury a child I loved like a daughter in a cemetery surrounded by apple trees. (read:

http://hiseverydaymercies.blogspot.com/2004_11_01_archive.html

 &

/hiseverydaymercies/2011/01/fuzzy-wuzzy-cindy-was-great-caterpillar.html

)

That was a hard time for me. 

Loss is hard

... Even when you know your loved one is worshipping her Creator as they eagerly await your arrival into the Kingdom of God. What a joyous day that will be!

But let's face it... in the meantime, loss sucks. It just does. And there's not really anything we can do about it.

Meet Luke Malone:

Luke came into the world via Scott and Melissa Malone on October 4, 2012 at 24 weeks gestation and weighing 1lb 10oz.

He spent 38 sweet days with his momma and daddy and now, Luke worships his Creator as he awaits a joyful reunion with his parents when they join him in the Kingdom of God.

38 days...

38 days that changed the lives of his parents and those who followed his journey: (

http://preemiemum12.blogspot.com/

)

38 days that would eventually effect me in ways I never would have expected...

Melissa is a close friend of my sister's. Corrie began sending me text messages about little Luke soon after he was born. I had no inkling of a notion of what life in the NICU or parenting a sick preemie meant at that time. I was 3 1/2 months into my easier than ever pregnancy and emergency c-sections were the farthest thought from my mind, but I prayed for Melissa and little Luke and went about planning little Mercy's mermaid nursery...

Luke fought so hard, but this was not his home.  The Lord took him to his forever home on November 11th.

Since then, Melissa has had the task of figuring out how to grieve the loss of her son..

.

On January 18th, when Chris and I received the surprise of our lives and Mercy was brought into this world ten weeks early, I was scared. I wasn't comforted by my doctor who told Chris, "

It 

might not make it through the night." (That's right, my brand new baby girl was diminished to the status of "it.") I wasn't comforted by my hospital bed, where I laid sick for 30 hours before getting to visit my sick daughter. I wasn't comforted by ventilators or PDA's or the then strangers taking care of us both who didn't seem to have any answers in those first hours and days. I was scared. I've never been that scared.

That second day I received a gift from three people I had never met. Flowers. And on the card were three names: Melissa, Scott and Mollie.

Melissa. A momma who had been in this same hospital bed... who knew the fear I was experiencing... who cried the tears I cried... and who was dealing with loss in the most gracious and compassionate way, by stepping into shoes she had been in and sharing her love and prayers with a stranger who needed them.

I was comforted...

Last weekend Mercy and I got to meet Melissa.

What a blessing she is!

...and what a blessing she gave us. She and Mollie (the third name on the card and another one of Corrie's friend's who loved us through our NICU journey) walked in with a gift bag and in it was an Ariel shirt (love! thank you Mollie!) and a little box. I pulled a tiny hat out of the box and Melissa told me that it had been Luke's.

Oh, I cried... what a sweet gift from somebody who could be jealous and bitter towards situations that turned out differently, but instead is compassionate, loving, generous, brave and amazing.

Here's a photo of Melissa and Mercy in Luke's precious hat.

I admire this woman for so many reasons. At the top of the list is how she has so beautifully dealt with her loss. She is living Luke's legacy through reaching out and loving those of us who don't know how to take the next scary step forward in our own situations. Thank you, Melissa, for showing me how to live beautifully in the midst of grief and sadness. I believe I will grieve differently, more graciously, in the future.

You know, sometimes I'm jealous of mom's who got to experience their third trimester, even though I've been told it's the hardest... then I think about brave momma's like Melissa who 

should be

 jealous of mom's like me who got to bring our babies home with us, 

but aren't

... and I realize how much I have left to learn.

Thank you, my God, for placing people in my life to teach me hard lessons. Thank you for baby Luke, who runs and plays and worships You today. Bring that sweet momma and daddy peace as they continue to figure out life without their precious baby boy...

Friends, please pray with us for the Malones. They have suffered the greatest loss of all... 

and loss is SO so hard.

A Hard Conversation...

I have a history of building relationships with inanimate objects.

Bizarre, yes...

But at the same time, isn't it nice when you can just say whatever you want to something for however long you want without worrying what it might think of you or say back to you? I had a pretend 'imaginary friend' in (gasp!) middle school (in Georgia, middle school is 6th-8th grade, so that means TOO OLD for an imaginary friend!) who's name was George. He had blonde hair and a blue sideways baseball cap (I drew him on almost everything... oh, and I also made him into a clay pot in high school [the handles were his ears!]) I know I'm making myself seem weirder and weirder here, but it was really very hard for me to talk to actual people in my incredibly awkward and shy younger years. So I talked to things...

...and I can honestly tell you that I still do sometimes, although not to George and not usually in seriousness anymore, so that's a step in the right direction! But I'll tell you something I'd like to have serious conversation with... and I'll tell you what I'd say:

"Hi there!

It's been about three hours since we last spent time together, and I'll be honest, I was hoping I'd never see you again...

You and I, we've had somewhat of a tumultuous relationship over the last 4 months... But there's one thing I want you to know: I value you. You are the sole reason my child has received the very best nutrition every day of her life, and that is irreplaceable.

No matter how much I look forward to the day I can bid you a happy 'farewell,' know this: you have made my daughter's life healthier and I appreciate you. I absolutely dread the six to eight times a day that I have to spend with you, but I cherish what comes out of the time we spend together. It's been painful, agonizing, miserable... and yet, at the same time it's been fruitful, productive and helpful. I know you hear me whine and complain about you between our times together, and I know you hear me talk about how badly I don't want to see you again. I want you to know that I mean every word, but that I'm sorry for feeling that way.

You truly mean more to me than I can express, in ways that I wouldn't even know how to express... I look at you with contempt and gratitude at the same time and although I daily consider and sometimes try to talk myself out of being in this conflicting relationship with you, you need to know that I will not give up, I will see this relationship through until it is either no longer possible or no longer necessary to continue.

I promise I will try to see you differently, to appreciate you better, and to stop wishing bad things upon you, I really do value you.

I know you are a gift from God, given to me as a means to best nourish my daughter as she gains the strength she needs to do the work herself. We could not do this without you, thank you for being part of our lives. I promise to try to thank my God, who provided me with you, so that you could help me provide Mercy with milk.

Please forgive me for selfishly wishing you out of my life. I know I will continue to take you for granted and utter hateful words against you, I know I will continue to dread our time together. Forgive me as I seek to learn the art of gratitude and of perseverance... I know that God has this race marked out for you and I, and I know there is much to learn along the way. I promise to run...

Oh, one last thought: If you were animate and had a neck, I would hug it in gratitude right now... I would also consider squeezing too tight in utter hatred before letting go.... ugh, ok, let me start over.............."

I'm talking to my Medela Freestyle Breast Pump... and that was truly therapeutic for me! Perhaps I should seriously start talking more often to inanimate objects in my life again... (joking!)

But in all seriousness, my relationship with my pump has been every bit of what I described in my conversation with it... I so look forward to the day when I can put it away, and take care of Mercy without it's help. Sometimes that day seems too far out of reach and I wonder if it will ever arrive... Often I consider giving up, or feel like I'm wasting my time if this whole exclusive nursing thing isn't going to work out anyways... maybe it's not worth it...

What I believe the Lord is teaching me through this tumultuous relationship is this: The work He's asked us to do as His children isn't always easy or fun, and the immediate payoff isn't always what we hope for, sometimes it takes many years to see fruit, and sometimes we may not see the fruit at all... I've found myself wondering often, is this goal too lofty, too out of reach? Am I wasting my time when I'm not seeing the lives of those I've ministered to changing? Is it worth the pain I've felt when I've failed and fallen time and time again? Sometimes we may want to have a similar "pump" conversation with the journey we're on with Christ, I know I have felt many of those things in my own walk!

But one thing you need to know about the journey you're on: it is worth it, it is the absolute best possible way we could spend our time, and God is always good. The very fact that we are on this journey with Him is a testament to His mercy on our lives and He has a beautiful purpose for YOU. Value His guidance as He leads you through rough waters, appreciate Him for giving you the grace you need for the journey, do. not. give. up. It's going to be worth it! 

He has given each of us a race to run, let's choose today to run it with renewed perseverance!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..."

Hebrews 12:1-3

I know y'all come here to hear about Mercy, not my ramblings to inanimate objects! She is an absolute blessing! We are getting out and about much more these days, and having play dates with old NICU neighbors and church friends. It's been so nice getting out of the house and seeing the faces of friends we love and have missed! She is growing so fast. She's all smiles all the time, she LOVES her daddy, and most people say she looks just like him! Her heart monitor has not gone off in over four weeks! That is a very huge deal, every new day without an alarm is another win! It looks like we could be unattached and cord-free sooner than we expected to be! We just can't believe we're getting so close to 4 months old, the time since we came home on March 7th has literally flown, and it has been incredible! The opportunity to come out of isolation has been a welcome change, being with our church the past two Sundays was truly awesome, seeing little RuthAnne, Mercy's first NICU neighbor, was absolutely amazing, we had "play dates" everyday last week and it has been FUN introducing her to so many new friends and 'family!' Hopefully we will get to introduce her to YOU very soon!

We love you all so very much, thank you for your continued prayers!

Guilt

I struggle with guilt a lot...

Yes, even now, with Mercy home, growing fast, and healthy as ever... I still find myself questioning what I did to cause her early arrival. I ask Chris on about a weekly basis, "Do you think (blank) caused my amniotic fluid to drain or (blank) caused (blank) and that made my blood pressure rise?" "Do you think if I had noticed (blank) sooner we could have kept her in longer?" "Do you think...........?" In fact (get ready) I sometimes feel pre-guilt over the births of our possible future children, in the off chance they come early too, maybe even earlier and in worse condition than Mercy was, and we could have prevented it by not having more... afterall, we know that there's a good possibility of recurrence of both cholestasis and preeclampsia in future pregnancies.

Guilt... it's a funny, sneaky little sin, isn't it? Oh, how the enemy has been using this one in my life recently... I've been going through a lot of our CaringBridge posts, trying to compile them into a book for Mercy to read one day... I find myself CRYING, reliving all of those emotions, and not getting it, but just knowing, KNOWING, that it was my fault, and if I had just avoided whatever it was I should have avoided, we would have a one month old right now who never had tubes down her throat, is a nursing champion, gaining weight without supplements, and we wouldn't be lugging this heart monitor around worrying that she might stop breathing...

Silly, right? I know, I know.

It is!

But... in the same moments that I start getting a little wispy and frustrated with my body's inability to carry my child to term, I look down at that sweet face and my heart fills with gratitude that I've gotten to look at those beautiful eyes and kiss those sweet cheeks for three and a half months. I just know, KNOW, that her birth story was on purpose and it wasn't my fault... then I really start getting wispy! Oh, the grace of our God to give us this precious gift so soon!

What it really boils down to I think, the real issue behind the guilt that creeps daily into my life and emotions, is lack of trust

. I know what you're thinking, "How can you still not trust Him??" I've written many many times over the last three months about my attempts to overcome my trust issue, and the thing is... it just continues, it seems to be the main contributor to most of the struggles I deal with on a daily basis, so I guess I'll keep writing about it... it's a pretty big deal.

You know, it's kind of a funny thing though... why would I lack trust in God over something from three months ago that has turned out to be an incredible blessing? Over a story that I never could have written more beautifully or perfectly? How is it so easy to forget the work He's done? Do I really wish my body had done it's job right, and Mercy had come around the end of March???

I've been reading a lot of preemie blogs lately and I think guilt is a pretty universal emotion among us... If I could really get one message to sink in to myself and to other preemie moms, it's this: Our bodies did do their jobs right. They did just the job they were given to do before the creation of the world when God wrote our baby's stories and it's not our fault.

Instead, it's HIS good and very perfect plan for our families. Yes, it's hard, it's scary and sad, it's emotional and sometimes just downright awful... but God is good, and in the fear and awfulness of it all, let's remember that it's beautiful, it's perfectly planned, and whatever happens, God is still good, still trustworthy.

That's how to live guilt free as the momma of a preemie...

Stop questioning my body, blaming myself, being sad about the past. 

Start being confident in His plan, being grateful that my body carried her well for 6 1/2 months, rejoicing for our smooth time in the NICU, the relationships we built there, and remember how His good and perfect story for her first few months has touched our lives, and the lives of each person who has loved and prayed for our Mercy. Remember that He has an incredible purpose for her birth story and He's gonna use it in awesome ways...

He already has!

And that's not just how to live guilt free as a preemie momma... that's how to live guilt free when you're walking in the will and grace of God your Father through whatever journey you're on!

"This God—his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him." Psalm 18:30

So, let’s stop being so weighed down and burdened with this guilt. Let's decide to trust Him today... with our past, with our health, our family, our future. He is, afterall, the One who set them all in motion!

Signs of Growth

When Jesus was being tried for claiming to be the Messiah, one of His closest friends, Peter, was asked by three different onlookers if he knew Jesus. This is what happened:

Now Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard. And a servant girl came up to him and said, “You also were with Jesus the Galilean.” But he denied it before them all, saying, “I do not know what you mean.” And when he went out to the entrance, another servant girl saw him, and she said to the bystanders, “This man was with Jesus of Nazareth.” And again he denied it with an oath: “I do not know the man.” After a little while the bystanders came up and said to Peter, “Certainly you too are one of them, for your accent betrays you.” Then he began to invoke a curse on himself and to swear, “I do not know the man.” (Matthew 26:69-75)

This was one of Jesus's closest friends and followers, someone who claimed to believe with all his heart that Jesus was the Messiah... Sounds to me like Peter had some growing to do.

Speaking of growth... Wanna see some remarkable comparisons? Chris and I decided it would be neat to "recreate" some moments we had in the NICU and see how Mercy has grown. Honestly, the results took me by surprise. I checked and rechecked to make sure I hadn't resized the images incorrectly... to me, they are unbelievable and look photoshopped. What do you think?

Look at those thighs! ...and how much more of Chris's arm she occupies!

This is the most unbelievable comparison. Her head! ...and her forearm that was once the size of Chris's thumb!

This is the same hat. The color looks different due to lighting, but see that crease in the hat in the left photo? That's where it's folded in the right photo!

Pretty unbelievable right? That's the difference three months, four pounds and five inches makes! We went to the doctor today and Mercy has almost TRIPLED her birthweight! She is 6lb 10.5oz, and 20 1/4 inches long! We knew she was growing and looking HUGE, but I really don't remember her being that tiny. She has grown! ...and as she has grown she has physically changed so much! She has little rolls everywhere, an awesome double chin, her arms are so thick and her cheeks are so chubby and kissable! It's crazy and amazing, and we are loving it!

I'm just not sure you can grow without showing signs of growth. Take Peter for instance... Jesus was crucified, buried, resurrected and appeared to His disciples, Peter was witness to all of this, and Peter's faith grew. So much, in fact, that after Jesus' ascension into heaven, Peter preached to the crowds, the same Peter who denied Jesus three times just days earlier. This is what happened:

But Peter, standing with the eleven, lifted up his voice and addressed them: “Men of Judea and all who dwell in Jerusalem, let this be known to you, and give ear to my words...
...Jesus of Nazareth, a man attested to you by God with mighty works and wonders and signs that God did through him in your midst, as you yourselves know— this Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men. God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it."
...And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
...So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls. (Acts 2:14,22-23,38&41)

Growth changes us. No... GOD changes us. God initiates growth in us, and when we grow, we change. You cannot claim to be growing in your faith if you look the same as you did yesterday. If Mercy's little head still fit in the palm of Chris's hand like it did in that first photo, I could not sit here telling you that she was growing. She would be stagnant and unhealthy, and we would have to address that. In the same way, if you say your desire is to grow in your relationship with Christ, but you look the same as you have looked forever, that is something you may need to address. There are many areas in my personal life where I'm struggling with this. Anxiety, gossip, distrust, etc... I need to grow, I need to grasp for the growth my Savior offers me. 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." (2 Corinthians 5:17)

It is a beautiful and incredible thing to overcome your struggles and allow God to grow you. It's an AWESOME thing to come out on the other side a new creation.  What are some areas where you need to grow? Have you asked God to grow you, or have you become stagnant, wanting to grow but maybe not wanting to look different? Let me encourage you, God is so good, so worthy of your complete trust. He is working in me in incredible ways through the work He has done in my daughter. He will work in you too. Don't be afraid to ask, it's much much scarier to stay the same, 2 pounds, 15 inches, skin and bones... Let's grow together, let's put some meat on our bones!

What To Expect...

I was sitting in bed recently feeding Mercy and just looking around the room... I saw a stack of books on my dresser that I had been reading while I was pregnant. On top of the stack was the book that I would say probably about 99% of pregnant women read and trust to be good information for these 9 VERY interesting months of our lives: What To Expect When You're Expecting.

I had to laugh... It's a decent book, I found it very informative for the 6 months I read through it. Although, if I'm honest, nothing about my pregnancy was what I expected, and if I were to imagine a perfect book to have read through in those 6 1/2 months it would have been this:

What to Expect *when nothing is what you expected* When You're Expecting

Here's what I expected, the brief version:

• I expected to be SICK for the first three months, assuming I would inherit that from my mother, and assuming that I would experience what most women experience: first trimester morning sickness.
• I expected to be healthy and happy as my belly grew during my second trimester, feeling the baby move and hiccup, and just loving every minute of it, afterall, that's what the books told me would happen.
• I expected to be pretty uncomfortable during my third trimester, counting down the days until baby Ellzey would arrive, healthy and hopefully before my 30th birthday!
• I expected to have a giant baby, because I was a giant baby.

Here's what I didn't expect, the even briefer version:

• I didn't expect to feel incredibly awesome my first trimester, not a minute of morning sickness!
• I didn't expect my belly to start growing HUGELY so quickly, causing many of us to wonder, could there be two babies in there??
• I didn't expect to be so so so incredibly miserably uncomfortable and sick for a good bit of my second trimester, sometimes not feeling baby girl Ellzey move for days at a time. Scary.
• I sure didn't expect to get a liver disease that one in a thousand women experience, causing me to fear my child would be stillborn if we didn't take action fast.
• I didn't expect to develop preeclampsia, or to lose every last bit of amniotic fluid in my body.
• I most definitely did NOT expect to be uncomfortable during my third trimester due to it being cut short and me being cut open to get baby Mercy out in a hurry ten weeks early.
• I didn't expect to spend the middle seven weeks of my last trimester in the NICU, praying for my baby to live and grow and come home.
• ...and I DEFINITELY didn't expect to have a two pound baby, because I was a GIANT baby!

What I learned from my very bizarre pregnancy is that no pregnancy is like any other pregnancy. No book can tell you what to really expect when you're expecting. There certainly are some typical parts of pregnancy that most women experience, and a lot pregnancies are definitely more "typical" than others... but many aren't, mine wasn't, and from it, I ended up relearned an old lesson my dad taught me when I was 15.

I was learning to drive, and my biggest struggle was left curves. Not turns... curves... couldn't get them down, I took them hard and late, and we ended up having to spend a whole lotta of time just focussing on those pesky left curves, ha! So I learned that lesson, but the biggest lesson my dad taught me during that period of my life was to "Never assume anything." Things like: "Just because that car's blinker isn't on, don't go assuming he's not going to change lanes. You have to watch, and be safe."

I've carried that lesson with me in many areas of my life. Sadly, I didn't even consider it in pregnancy, and all of that craziness really caught me off guard... but no worries, God is good, and all of that happened in a way that worked to grow me and transform me and I couldn't be more grateful.

...and really, isn't that very thing in itself unexpected?

I find that SO. MUCH. about my walk with Christ is not what I expect it to be... and I think that if there were a book about what to expect when you surrender your life to Christ, it would be filled with a great many truths that are so not what you would expect.

No Christian walk is the same, and nobody's faith looks the same as another person's, but one thing is the same: God. He has never changed and He will never change, that you can count on, that you can expect. His love for His children is solid and unchanging. The way that each of us experiences His love differs greatly and is often unexpected. Many people expect to get rich when they start going to church and putting a few dollars in the offering plate. Many people expect to have smooth sailing from here on out when they make the commitment to follow God. The truth is, God doesn't promise financial blessings and He doesn't promise that we won't suffer when we put our lives in His hands. In fact, He promises quite the opposite. In John 16:33 He says very plainly, "In this world you will have trouble." 

Many children of God expect to crumble when going through trials, myself included. In the NICU, I found myself in pieces almost daily, it was expected and it was true. What was unexpected was how faithfully God was there to pick up the pieces each and every day, how awesomely His name was glorified, and how I came out of that trial a stronger woman of God, knowing peace and trust like I have never experienced before

...and that's what He does, that's what He promises. In that same passage where He states that we will have trouble, He completes His thought, "But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Let's be honest, we're going to encounter suffering whether we are found in Christ or not... the difference is in the longevity of the suffering. I believe it is much more appealing to experience temporary suffering with a reward of an eternity of peace in Christ. And that's a promise!

So will we experience what we expect when we enter into a relationship with Him? Probably not. Will it be worth it? Oh yes!! 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

Remember the rare liver disease I was diagnosed with? Here's a bit of *Romans 8:28* unexpectedness: If God hadn't given me liver disease, I never would have known that I had preeclampsia and no amniotic fluid, as I would not have been at the hospital for routine monitoring on January 18th.  We would not have Mercy alive and well with us today. God works through the unexpected. How has He worked in unexpected ways in your life?

The birthday girl!

One more thing... if everything had gone as expected, I would not have been able to tell my sweet six pound baby girl, "HAPPY THREE MONTH BIRTHDAY" today!!! Can't believe I have a three month old! She is growing up and getting bigger and stronger each day! So enjoying this chapter of our lives! Thank you all for praying with us each step of the way!