Preemie Posture

Remember this photo?

That is three pounds of pure preciousness right there! Look at those arms!!! I cannot believe they were ever that teensy and non-roll-y!! Craziness....

I had a little Facebook caption contest for that one, I think the winner was... actually a tie between these two:
"Part of your woooooooooooorld!"
     (I just love Ariel. So. so. much....)
"Seriously, the baby next to me was only this big. True story..."
     (That really is a true story! Sweet little Ruthie. She weighs the same as Mercy now!)

I remember the moment that photo was taken so well, Chris and I could not stop giggling at her spreading her arms like that, we just wanted to wrap them around our necks and embrace that little baby girl so hard!

Turns out, it wasn't just an adorable Mercy thing, it's actually a pretty normal preemie thing.

Our OT calls it the 'Preemie Posture,' and here's my limited understanding of it:

Apparently... because full term babies are all squished up in the fetal position for awhile, they come out curled up with the muscle tone to keep their hands near their faces. They have to learn to extend.

Preemies, on the other hand, are still all stretched out in the womb when they decide to make their grand entrance into the world, and haven't developed that flexor muscle tone just yet. They have to learn to bring their arms and legs in.

See, she still does it:



























We've been working with the OT to help her learn to bring those sweet arms in. Overall, she does a pretty good job, but even so, everyday we find ourselves tucking her arms back in over and over. Sometimes she just pops one arm out, and as soon as we tuck it in, the other one has popped out! That can sometimes go on for awhile. It's hard not to laugh, it's almost like she's playing a game with us and she's just so dang adorable!

But in all truthfulness, this is not a laughing matter. We're doing a lot of exercises with Mercy trying to get her ready to crawl, and this preemie posturing is clearly affecting this, she just holds her arms out so wide. It affects her ability to self soothe, to hold her bottle, learn to crawl and eventually even things like riding a bike. Don't get me wrong, she can definitely get her thumb in her mouth and reach up and grab her bottle, but within just a minute or two, the arms pop right back out. We're for sure seeing improvement, sometimes it's just a few seconds before she brings them back in on her own, but this is definitely something we'll be continuing to work on for a while.

And sometimes I wonder how different I am from Mercy... How different my own sin nature that came into this world with me is from her preemie posture that came into the world with her.

Every day as my faith develops more and more, my heavenly Father teaches me how to tuck my own arms in, how to trust Him, how to love others, how to love Him... Specific sins I struggle with are daily revealed to me as He reminds me to give them up to Him, to represent Him in all circumstances because I love Him, because of what He did for me...

Like Mercy has to daily work on bringing her arms in, as children of God we have to daily work on surrendering our actions, plans, our lives to Him.

So why is this worth working on? Just like her preemie posture will affect Mercy's development, this will affect our spiritual development in the long run. It will affect the depth of our relationship with our Savior, our contentment in all circumstances, it will affect our ability to feel joy in sadness, our effectiveness in sharing His love with others, our trust in His sovereign plans for our future... and what do we have if we don't have Him??

Friends, because of the grace upon grace we have received through Jesus, how can we not work daily to 'bring our arms in' and love Him well? How can we not receive instruction as He teaches us how to do this through His word, through fellowship in His house, and through the Godly people He has placed in our lives? It affects everything, and it is so worth it!

"Let the one who is taught the word share all good things with the one who teaches."
-Galatians 6:6

Oh, yes. It's so worth it!

So... On another note, what do you think about a new caption contest for the newest preemie posture photo above? Post your entries in the comments! Winner will receive a special surprise from Mercy in my next post!

Happy National Breastfeeding Month!

Apparently it's National Breastfeeding Month.

Gotta love a close up of a happy baby!

I just read a blog post that actually made me want to cry a little... and yell a little.
A breastfeeding mama who listed the reasons she is jealous of mom's who couldn't make it work and are bottle feeding their little ones.

Part of me feels insulted and extremely offended by this mama's insensitive words to those of us who are struggling, trying with every bit of our emotion and energy to make this breastfeeding thing work. We see these mama's who do it with such ease and grace, and we grieve as we mix our baby's formula before judging eyes in restaurants and public places because we so badly want what they have, what we're told over and over again is best for our babies, what we're told will help us bond with them better and love them more... what we can't do. and they can.

And you're gonna make light of that and tell me you're jealous??

NO. Please don't, it's too painful. This is not a light subject piece for us. Don't make it one.

Maybe I'm being oversensitive and I know I don't speak for all of us... but I do know I would give up every benefit she listed to be able to do what she does...

So... to those of you who watch us pull out our bottles instead of nursing covers and shake your heads, please be kind. You don't know the intensely personal circumstances that led us to the decision to bottle feed our children, and you don't need to. You will never fully get the emotions that we've experienced, so please, cast your judgmental glances elsewhere and whatever you do, don't tell us your jealous of us.

I was reminded of this passage while reading the blog.

“Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her,
    all you who love her;
rejoice with her in joy,
    all you who mourn over her;
that you may nurse and be satisfied
    from her consoling breast;
that you may drink deeply with delight
    from her glorious abundance.”
--Isaiah 66:10-11

We read it in Bible Study several weeks ago and I was brought to tears and I have not been able to stop repeating it over and over.

My breastfeeding journey with Mercy has been hard and extremely emotional work. She was born ten weeks early and was fed pumped breast milk through a tube in her nose for the first several weeks of her life. As soon as we could we started trying to incorporate some breastfeeding, as my goal was to bring her home exclusively nursing. They would tube feed her while we worked with the lactation nurse in getting her to latch on and nurse.

We eventually had to start giving her bottles, I couldn't be at the NICU for every feeding and in order to come home she had to be eating with no feeding tube at all.

After seven weeks we brought her home at four pounds and one ounce. She was still too weak to get a full feeding from nursing, so we would work on nursing for twenty minutes, give her a full bottle, and then pump for twenty minutes. Every. Three. Hours.

With the exception of nighttime, this continued until she was five months old.

...and by that time, our sweet girl was consuming more than I was producing. I was finally able to stop pumping, but continued to have to give her bottles after each time we nursed. On top of that, we ran out of frozen milk, and we began incorporating formula. I grieved and grieved over this, it was not an easy transition for me to make.

These days, at seven months, I'm taking a prescription medication that has a side effect of increased milk production and we seem to be doing ok.... about half and half plus baby food and I think I'm ok with that. I'm proud of the five months of exclusive breastmilk that Mercy received, I know that many mom's don't get that.

I had decided early on that I would not try breastfeeding when we're out and about. The entire process is just too hard, and often involves a decent amount of screaming. I know I'll never get a sweet note on a receipt or have my pizza paid for by a kind waitress when she sees me giving Mercy a bottle, but I've gotten to a place where I'm ok with that. My child is well fed, she's healthy and growing and that makes me happy.

I've worked hard, it hasn't been easy, and I'm not ready to completely give up. I desire so deeply to be able to satisfy my daughter through nursing. I long so deeply for her to desire to be satisfied through me.

And I get it. Better than I've ever gotten it... how deeply our Heavenly Father longs for us to be satisfied in Him, how He longs for us to desire to be satisfied in Him.

...and we kick and we scream, and we try to take the easy way out and He says, "I'm here. Find yourselves in Me, be satisfied in My embrace. Drink deeply with delight from My glorious abundance!"

Read Hosea 11, it is filled with His grace, His desire for His children, Israel, to come back to Him, His promises to satisfy them in His love.

How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
    How can I hand you over, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
    How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart recoils within me;
    my compassion grows warm and tender.
I will not execute my burning anger;
    I will not again destroy Ephraim;
for I am God and not a man,
    the Holy One in your midst,
    and I will not come in wrath.
--Hosea 11:8&9

Where do you find your satisfaction? ...for me, I often seek satisfaction in my husband, Mercy, our youth ministry, photography, creativity, hmm... maybe even in having the ability to successfully breastfeed my daughter.

Friends, let's stop chasing the things of the world and let's seek satisfaction in Him. Let's desire Him and rest in His sweet embrace. He is ALL we need.

Our Seven Month Old Twelve Pounder

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake,

I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

Today is Mercy's SEVEN MONTH birthday!

Happy seven month birthday baby girl!

She's about 4 1/2 months adjusted and developmentally, but chronologically she is seven months old and we can't believe it!

We really loved our extended newborn stage with her, she was so sweet and really AWESOME, but it has been so much fun watching her grow and learn new things. Still sweet, still awesome, plus so much more! She is so close to sitting up with no support from us or from her own arms and we still think she'll be walking before she's crawling, she just loooves to be on her feet!

So last week I was talking to a mom at church who had her little guy while we were in the NICU... He was born about a month after Mercy. I found myself totally jealous of him! So silly, I know that Mercy is developmentally behind 2 1/2 months and that she will catch up after a year or so and I'm ok with that, but I looked at him sitting on the floor all by himself with no help and was totally jealous.

The thoughts flooded my mind, "Mercy's not doing that yet... Is she ok? Is she behind more than she should be? Am I doing enough to help her? What's wrong???"

Oh yeah... Calm down, she's fine, she's awesome, she's right where she should be.

I guess it was the first time I saw a baby younger than Mercy doing something she couldn't do yet and I forgot... Mercy should be a month or so younger than that little guy. Their lives in the womb included, she is a month or so younger. Everything is ok... but it didn't feel ok in that moment.

It honestly caught me off guard how off guard it caught me.

Then I had an entire week that caught me off guard in a completely different way as almost every day I was reminded of how grateful I am for Mercy's birth story and for her first couple months in the 'outside world.'

The mom I met at the Salad Station, she was the best. I watched her walk through the door with her three kids and couldn't wipe the smile off my face, they were too precious, so sweet. A little bit later I met her in line and she asked how old Mercy was. "She'll be seven months on Sunday." I saw the look that I have learned to LOVE and she said, "My oldest was 1lb 10oz. He's five years old now!" We talked briefly about the life changing experience of the NICU and she reminded me in such straight forward words that made me completely forget the jealousy I had experienced. Her simple words that have repeated in my head all week: "Isn't God's grace sufficient?"

Over the course of the week I was reminded through even more knowing eyes and understanding hearts of the moms I meet so often who look at Mercy and know... because they've been there with their own, they've cried similar tears and celebrated similar triumphs of SATS and X-rays, grams and ounces. They've experienced the sufficiency of God's grace in their times of greatest need, and they smile with me as we recount our stories of our sweet miracles... We smile, we laugh, we know... and I'm reminded...

I was reminded during our trip to Sam's just yesterday. Each person who asked how old she was, "She'll be seven months on Sunday." "Oh, she's so tiny!" God is so sovereign, isn't He? I love these opportunities, I love sharing her story, seeing the smiles she receives, the thank you's for getting to meet a sweet miracle, the "I love you's" she hears from complete strangers. It bring tears to my eyes seeing how her presence, her smile and her story are so moving to others who are just meeting her. We so enjoy these brief moments we're given to share the awesome testimony of God's all sufficient grace... and, again, I'm reminded...

The question continued to repeat in my head over the course of the week... "Isn't God's grace sufficient?"

Yes, mama at Salad Station. Yes it is.

So grateful for my sweet seven month old twelve pounder, just learning to sit up unsupported, playing catch-up with the other babies, revealing God's grace to her mama and daddy, and our families and communities in bigger ways than I can even comprehend.

Just love her so much!

Easy to love, watch this:

She loooves that bouncy seat, she loooves to kick her feet, and this is random, but she REALLY loves gymnastics! She belly laughs every time she sees someone do a cartwheel or stand on their hands! She's doing so much and we're having fun watching her, we love her so so much!

Thanks for keeping up with us! We love YOU so so much, too!

Vaccinations, check!

Let me just start by saying... I'm a terrible blogger. This has been written for almost two weeks, just waiting for the finishing touches! So for those of you who check this for updates on Mercy, I'm sorry I'm not as good as I was on CaringBridge!! :/ Trying to be better about it!!!

So, last week's appointment with our sweet pediatrician... Mercy's six month visit, wow! I still can't believe that!

...and you know what that means... Vaccinations! Three shots, and all three were totally harder for mama than baby girl!

But I think they were worth it... for me, anyway. I know they were worth it for her.

When Mercy was two weeks old one of the nurse practitioners came around saying it was time for some shots. What did we want to do...? Early in the pregnancy I had a couple of conversations with some friends who had chosen not to vaccinate, but Chris and I still thought we had two months to decide, so we hadn't really thought too hard about it. Suddenly we were faced with this decision... so... what did we want to do...?

So I had a discussion with the nurse and asked some questions, Chris and I prayed and talked and ultimately we decided to go for it...

Why did we go for it?

It's funny because soon after we made the decision, my good friend, Maralee, posted a series about vaccinations on her blog, here's a link to one:
http://www.amusingmaralee.com/2013/04/vaccination-guest-post-whats-in-our-vaccines-and-is-it-causing-autism/

The series answered so many questions and echoed much of why we made the decision we made.

This is what it boiled down to... It's simple and totally not scientific, but it's how we felt: basically, if there is even the smallest possibility that our child could develop some life threatening disease down the road, our line of thinking was this: Wouldn't we want to do anything within our power to prevent it?

Our decision was easy, it was YES. We can handle any issues that haven't been proven to rise up due to vaccinations, but, as we were quickly learning, we weren't so sure we could handle the life threatening stuff...

So we vaccinate... And it hurts my heart to hear her scream, but she gets over it within just about 30 seconds, and I deal...

Big girl sitting up for the very first time!!

Last week was different though... Last week, sweet girl developed a fever later that night... We're talking super low grade, and totally normal for evening after shots, but new to this mama.

Another thing new to this mama: waking up every hour during the night to console the screaming child! Oh, it was a hard night! Hard for my heart and hard for my rest...

Thank GOD for Children's Tylenol, we got to bed for good around 5:30am.

During those late night hours of questioning our decision to vaccinate while I was watching the baby girl feel so bad and so sad, I was reminded of a question Chris asks our students often:

"If there is a God, can you think of anything more important than getting to know who He is, who you are in Him, and how the two of you can be in relationship with each other?"

...we watch a series called the Gospel Journey with our students every now and then, and in it the speaker, Greg, has a conversation with an atheist named Andy. Andy is explaining his understanding of sin in relation to his world view... Greg stops him with the question, "What if you're wrong?"

Andy stumbles a little bit and then answers, "Well, if I'm wrong then I'm in deep crap!"

Those two moments ran through my head all night as I prayed for Mercy and for our non-believing friends and students.

The answer to Chris's question is no. If there is even the slightest possibility that there is a God, and there's a way for us to know Him and avoid eternal separation from Him, there's absolutely nothing more important, and it's not worth it to not search and know. If there is a God, the consequences are too heavy, too serious to just not worry about it right now...

Friends, if you find yourself in a place of doubt and questioning, make it your daily goal to figure it out. Find someone to talk to. Ask questions and don't be shy or feel like you'll be judged. This is important stuff. Who is God? Is He real? Who are you in relation to Him? Is it important to be in relationship with Him? And if not, what if you're wrong?

In the end it's a personal decision, just like vaccines. But, friends, don't make the decision without doing the research! It's just not worth it.

...Mercy was all better in the morning and as of this past Tuesday she weighs 11lb 13oz, she is chunking up! She is officially SITTING UP now and loving it (although not quite mastered it yet... she still falls over after about 5 seconds!) She watched her first Saints game tonight and seemed enamored! We are still struggling with the breastfeeding/bottle feeding and I'm trying to be ok with that... Seems a little easier (emotionally) the older she gets! She is CONSTANTLY smiling, giggling, so expressive all the time! Thank you for the prayers you are always sending our way. We love you all so very much!

"I thank my God every time I remember you;

in all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy!"

--Philippians 1:3-4

It's Official!!

...a couple of things actually.

As of last night, baby girl has GRADUATED from sleeping swaddled!

It was her decision... Chris and I watched her fight sleep from our little video monitor and saw her do something she's never done before. She flipped from her BACK to her BELLY! Swaddled! With no use of her arms at all!!!

So we looked at each other and both knew... It was time. We can't have our child rolling onto her face with no way of rolling back!

So we went in there for the "ceremonial final unswaddling." (Fancy, right?) We looked down at her laying there and she had this big grin on her face. She knew...

...and it seemed like an appropriate time, on the eve of her six month birthday! That's right, today was Mercy's SIX MONTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!! What??? How did that happen so fast, seriously?? I honestly can't even comprehend that.

And as of TONIGHT, she is sleeping in her crib in her nursery like a big girl!!! I wasn't sure if was ready, I cried a little when I laid her down and walked out... I'm still not sure if I'm ready! But she's in there, and she's HALF. A. YEAR. old and I know she's ready.

Look at this face...

The face of my six month old sweet Mercy girl waking up on her half birthday!!

It is so incredibly hard to remember her being a teensy little bitty thing with tubes and wires, flailing around in an incubator...

But at the very same time, I can still hear so vividly the first sound I ever heard her make. I can see my husband's sweet eyes confidently looking into mine full of love and joy, not a trace of fear. I can feel the pressure on my rib cage, and then I can hear it, the sweetest little peep. We smiled in awe and amazement at each other and he looked over the curtain at her. They cleaned her up and brought her to me for just a quick few seconds, and I was enamored. She was tiny and perfect.

I remember that moment like it was yesterday.

Six months ago...

I had this post going a completely different direction, and then I watched this:

That was January 19, the first moments that I spent with her. The nurse wanted to surprise me by having her off the ventilator the first time I would get to be with her. That was the most special moment ever, ever. She would be back on the ventilator after just a few hours, they thought she could do it but she wasn't quite ready. But... spending time with her like this was... amazing. I remember these moments like they were yesterday as well....

But when Chris and I watched that video tonight... we were both brought to tears. I remember the moments so well, I remember believing she would be ok, and not fearing for her life. I remember holding her little hand, telling her I loved her and not worrying one bit that I may not have tomorrow with her.

And when I see her in that video, my mind races to all the feelings I feel like I should have felt, and to the One and Only reason I didn't.

As Chris and I were reading through Mark a couple of  weeks ago, this passage stuck out to me in a big way:

People were overwhelmed with amazement.

“He has done everything well,” they said.

“He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.”

Mark 7:37

Right now, I am overwhelmed with what He has done in the last six months.

Overwhelmed with amazement that He gave us peace when all I see is reason for fear in that video. I can't comprehend how I felt such peace. He equipped me with it.
Overwhelmed with amazement that that baby girl is the same chunky monkey with rolls on her forearms sleeping in the room down the hall. He grew her and healed her.
Overwhelmed with amazement that that sweet little peep is now the sweetest screeching giggle you've ever heard. He strengthened her lungs and voice.

Overwhelmed with amazement that six months ago I had a baby that may not have lived and that today she celebrated her half birthday. He gave her life!

Yes! He has done everything well!

And He has proven Himself faithful to His promise:

"I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." (John 10:10b)

He has given all three of us such abundance of life. The last six months have awakened us to the fullness of life He offers us and we are so deeply in love with the Creator of the universe who loves sinners like us, even laid His life down so that we might experience this abundant life.

How can we not love to express how much we love Him? ...how much gratitude we have for the life He's given Mercy? ...for the mercy He's given us?

How blessed we've been. May we live the rest of our lives in gratitude to our Savior, praising His holy Name, sharing the love He has lavished upon us.

Thank you for being part of this journey. We sincerely love each of you who has prayed for and supported us in the hard times and in the fun times!