Dear Nurse Who Cleared the NICU

Yesterday was exactly one year since the day I met you. I will never forget that day.

You had not spent one minute with me, but you had met my husband and you had spent hours taking care of my daughter.

You cared about me and you loved my family before I ever met you, and you took the initiative to do something for me, a complete stranger, that led to a life altering moment.

You cleared the NICU.

You set up an incredibly perfect and private moment and walked me to the unit to see my daughter for the first time...

...off the ventilator!

How special that surprise was to me!

You knew what that would mean to a momma who was worried about her baby girl, who was terrified to see her with those tubes in her mouth, not knowing how long they would be there or if we would get to know her without them.

You knew I needed that moment alone with my husband and baby and you made it happen.

You rocked my world that night and you painted a picture of Christ's love for me, someone who was deeply loved by Him before I even knew Him. Someone He set up a perfect moment for, a moment that would change everything... a moment that would make me His daughter!

I thank you for loving us since day one and for revealing Christ to me in days that were filled with fear and tears.

I pray that you will continue to be used in the lives of momma's who walk through those scary doors into the NICU, and that your sweet heart would bring comfort as you love on those tiny babies the way you loved on ours.

You will never be forgotten in this house, my friend!


**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Hey Birthday Girl!

Hey Birthday Girl!

Know what today is??

It's a big deal... It's a big DAY.

It's the first anniversary of the most important day of your life.

One year ago today God surprised us with the best gift we've ever received: YOU. You came ten weeks early, 2 pounds, 5 ounces and 15 inches long and today......

...is your FIRST BIRTHDAY!!!

Today we are celebrating YOU... all 17 pounds, 1 ounce and 29 inches of YOU!

We're gonna celebrate, we're gonna pin the fin on the mermaid, we're gonna eat cupcakes, spend time with family, open some gifts, smother you with hugs and kisses, reminisce about last January, look at pictures, and then you know what else we're gonna do? We're gonna celebrate some more!

Why?

...because it's your birthday, and in this house we celebrate birthdays, weeks and months!

...because YOU, Mercy Marie Ellzey, are a gift worth celebrating.

...and because one year ago today you changed our lives permanently.

How can we not celebrate you today?

Did you know that when you came into our world last January 18 YOU became the clearest picture of the mercy of Jesus that we had ever personally experienced?

Did you know that every day that has passed since then, Jesus has shown us His mercy more and more abundantly?

Did you know that seeing Jesus give YOU the strength and mercy you needed to fight in the NICU gave us a completely new understanding of what His mercy looks like in our own lives?

In the first days and weeks of your life we knew we may not get to keep you, we knew the very real possibility that you may not get to stay here on earth with us. That realization gave way to many hard and scary conversations between your daddy and me. One thing we knew, the one thing that gave us hope and stared right at us each time we walked towards your isolette... a small piece of paper with your tiny foot prints and one big word written right under your left heel:

MERCY

Your name was chosen for you years ago before we knew anything about your birth story.

It could not be a more perfect fit, your name means 'withholding the judgement that one deserves.'

Mercy, you have painted a beautiful picture of mercy, you have been used in incomprehensible ways in our lives. Your birth, your fight, your growth have displayed in such clarity the death that we've been spared from experiencing and the absolutely magnificent and completely undeserved gift of life that we've been given in Jesus.

Sweet one, we got to keep you, we got to bring you home and watch you grow, and today we get to sing 'happy birthday' to you for the very first time!

You, daughter of the King, daughter of... mine??

How did we get such a gift?

When Jesus gifted us with you, He blessed us so tremendously more than we could ever have requested or deserved.

Know what's crazy, sweet girl?

The gift of YOU is but a light shining towards the gift of Jesus, the SON OF GOD hanging on a cross for my sin and yours, risen to life and sittin' with His Daddy right now.

Know who His Daddy is? YOUR Daddy!

Precious girl, may every day of your life be a celebration of how much your Daddy loves you. May you grow each day in your understanding of the mercy He has shown you. May you fall so in love with the Creator and Sustainer of your beautiful life and one day, may we celebrate an even more important day, the first day of your new life in Him.

So... We'll celebrate you today, and we'll celebrate you tomorrow...

Know why?

Because YOU, little lady, are a daily reminder, a daily portrait of the face of the mercy of Jesus Christ, and we love you with every bit of our existence.

Happy Birthday sweet, precious gift.

All my love,
  Your Momma!

*I've mentioned before that our lives were transformed during Mercy's seven week stay in the NICU. This is the first post in a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of that transformation, that pointed us toward Jesus, the Gospel, and Biblical truths. Consistency is my goal here, and consistency is a struggle for me, so we'll see how this series thing goes!! :)

Saying Bye Bye

We talked last time about how I'm a sentimental nutcase...

So it should come as no surprise that leaving 2013 behind is throwing me off a little. How exciting that we're entering a new year, new milestones, new newness, who knows what kind of craziness is going to happen in all of the new ahead of us!

But.......

2013 was the best ever. EVER.

...in every way possible. Just... the best.

So when I got up this morning with Mercy, all excited about the newness today brings, I couldn't help but find tears welling up... We spent some time in her room, she explored and since she's strictly in 6-9 month clothes now, I started cleaning out her 3 month clothes.

I dread this every time... Putting away little onesies and precious outfits that she's outgrown is literally devastating to me! My favorite little things that I couldn't wait for her to be big enough to wear, she's now too big to wear and that just boggles my mind. How am I supposed to say goodbye to these little things that mark milestones in my sweet girls growth?? How am I supposed to just put them in a bag and toss them in the attic to be forgotten until maybe needed again...?? Oh man... I can't handle it.

...and looming in the back of my mind is the knowledge that in just a few months I'll be doing this again.... Oh man. Already feeling sad about that!

So... of course, after I was completely done, before I handed the bag over to be sent to the attic, I snuck back in to grab my very favorite:

...just not ready, y'all.

Newness, I love it. I love experiencing each new little bit of awesomeness that happens with Mercy every day. This is SUCH a fun stage, watching her learn new things on a daily basis, and her fascination with everything new she finds is so much fun to see.

...but with newness, we inevitably have to say "bye bye" to the old.

And that's just not easy for me.

Thank God for Mercy. She is teaching me so much through this stage. For her, this newness is a breeze! When that girl started crawling, there was no looking back! She was so ready to go and leave sitting still in the dust!

...and don't you think that's God's desire for our hearts?

As we daily turn our lives over to Him and learn to trust in Him, don't you think He longs to see us joyfully leave old sins and old habits in the dust?

In 2 Corinthians 5:17 Paul says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

This is what happens when we turn to Christ. It happens out of joy and gratitude to the Savior of our souls. It's a natural occurrence, Christlike newness. Certainly not something that credits us with salvation, but in contrast, it's something that happens in response to the free gift of salvation we've been given in Christ. And... it's awesome.

It is. Super awesome.

Even with this incredibly awesome Christlike newness that I experience daily, I struggle. I struggle so hard to say goodbye to sins that I'm dealing with, that I've dealt with for years. Leaving those things in the dust, that's called repentance. It's turning from our sins, and doesn't always come easy. Especially when you like to hold onto things of old like I do!  ...so hard to say goodbye to old sins and habits that harm my relationship with God.

This one here:

...she's teaching me loads and loads about saying bye bye to the old.

She's a daily reminder of the joy found in Christlike newness. When she accomplishes something new, her face lights up with excitement as soon as she locks eyes with her daddy. I love to watch him work with her on new skills she's practicing, he helps her learn to put one foot in front of the other as she practices walking holding onto his hands, he helps her learn new sounds and syllables, he claps and shouts with joy when she pulls up in tough spots. I looove to watch her crawl to him, reach for his hands, turn her head and smile when she hears his voice.

Mercy goes to her daddy for help and he is so more than excited to help her grow and learn tough new skills.

As I watch those two and consider my own struggle to say goodbye to the old, I am reminded of my Daddy's desire for me to come to Him for help in my own trek towards newness. I'm reminded of His joy in teaching me to turn from the old toward Him and the beautiful newness He offers me... and I'm reminded of the JOY in all of this.

There is so much joy in Christlike newness, in the gift of salvation and in this amazing life of following Him.

Saying "Bye bye..."

Love it, embrace it, friends. It's new. It's good.

Let's experience Christlike newness each day in 2014, let's seek His face and learn to grow more and more into His likeness. Let's LOVE all the new that He offers us.

Speaking of new, check out Mercy's new camera, now she's just like her mommy!!

Feeling Nostalgic

Here's something you've probably figured out about me:
I LOVE living in the past!

I absolutely love memories and reminiscing...

Example:
My cousin and I used to paint all of our memories from her summer trip to Georgia on a pole in our granny's basement. The next year on her first night in town we would stay up literally ALL night reading our memories from the previous summers, laughing and being way too loud.

Funny, the memories of reminiscing about the memories have ended up being some of my very favorite memories!

Get it?

Here's a throwback just in case:

Hilarious, right?

Anyway... all that being said, I knew this day was coming... I've been anticipating it for, ohh, 365 days... and I'm totally excited about it!

Last year this time I would have thought today would bring nightmares of waking up in the middle of the night itching uncontrollably... of scouring the internet at 4am for answers to this bizarre invisible rash that threatened to take the skin off of my hands and feet from the constant scratching... of reading the most frightening words I had ever read: "stillbirth."

Last December 18th I knew there was no way I would ever look forward to reminiscing about that night.

Hindsight is 20/20, right? 

Turns out it was liver disease that was causing the itching: Cholestasis of Pregnancy. It wouldn't affect my health even a little. Well... other than the constant scratching the skin off of my body with no relief whatsoever, but that was more of an annoyance than anything... a horrible, awful annoyance that I hope I never relive, but just an annoyance nonetheless. 

The danger was to the sweet baby girl I was carrying. Mercy was 26 weeks at that time and this disease threatened to take her life.

We decided with our doctor that we would deliver early, at 36 weeks, to avoid the chance of stillbirth after that point.

Still... I feared. I feared every day that I would lose her. If I didn't feel her kicking for a little while, I feared so much that she was gone. I feared I would never hold her alive, or hear her cries or laughter, watch her grow... I feared so hard, I trusted so little. It was a dark month for me.

The worst part was the two weeks I waited to be diagnosed. I had pretty much diagnosed myself the night after the itching started, fearing the worst knowing the possible outcome of this disease, and knowing I needed to be monitored but couldn't be, I just had to wait for confirmation and scratch... and scratch some more. 

Then, on January 3rd, the call came... It was cholestasis. Oh, I cried. I cried and cried and cried. The fear deepened, the trust crept further and further away...

Good memories, right? Looking for the hindsight part?

Little did I know, there was a group of people back in Georgia praying. They prayed that if there was even the slightest chance that we could lose baby Mercy before 36 weeks, that something would happen to bring her into the world even earlier.

Exactly one month after the itching started, that something happened. Several things, actually. Several things I would not have known about if I hadn't been at the hospital being monitored for a disease that had absolutely nothing to do with the somethings that happened.

1. Preeclampsia. People, you should have seen my feet. I have pictures but I'll spare you. Craziness.
2. ZERO amniotic fluid. That's right, zero, absolutely no fluid whatsoever.
3. IUGR, intrauterine growth restriction. That means baby Mercy was measuring small. We were 30 weeks along, but only measuring 28.

The sweet nurse who I'll never forget expressed her gratefulness that I was there. If I hadn't been there that day, we would have most certainly lost little Mercy, and possibly her mama too. They were going to have to get her out. Immediately. They shot me with some last minute steroids and started preparing me for the emergency c-section. 

It's funny because I have such terrible memory, but every detail of that day is SO vivid. (oh, except for where I left my flip flops... sad.) That sweet two pound baby girl came into the world with the most precious whimper I've ever heard and ready to fight... and fight she did for seven weeks before she came home to be held and loved on, to cry, to laugh and grow.

That's the hindsight, friends. One year ago today, I developed liver disease. And I'll be honest, I've probably never been so grateful for anything. I know I've said this before, but there is not a single doubt in my mind that I was given liver disease to save Mercy's life. Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever.

...and now I'm picturing Santa coming down our chimney to deliver some ice packs, Gold Bond anti-itch lotion and a hard bristle brush for the moments of weakness.

He didn't deliver Cholestasis though... I will never stop praising God for what He did December 18, 2012. He set into motion the events He would use to save my baby girl and to renew my trust in Him a thousand-fold.

Ever think that the trials you're going through might just lead to something more beautiful than you could ever imagine? Place your trust in the One who is sovereign over all things, and keep in mind that He promises to work all these things together for your good. (Romans 8:28)

So I'm enjoying the memories today. LOVING the events that have unfolded in the last year, looking forward to reminiscing about all of them each and every day!

I hope you all have the Merriest of Christmases! We love y'all so very much, thank you for being such a pivotal part of our journey and our memories this past year!

"I thank my God every time I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy!"

--Philippians 1:3

Feeling Thankful

Predictable, right? ...a Thanksgiving post about thankfulness.

To be honest, it's a post I've had on my heart every day since January 18, and it'll continue to be on my heart long after today.

Over the last 28 days I've been reading facebook status after facebook status about what my friends are thankful for each day up to today. What a happy month, celebrations of our many blessings each and every day, leading up to this glorious day of family, food and of course, football.

Love it.

Over the last 10 1/2 months, I have not had to dig too deep or look too hard to find things to be thankful for or reasons to say, "Thank you!"

THIS:

has become a very humbling spot for me to sit...

About 150 notes in with many many more to go...

...and today, I would like to say "Thank you!"

Thank you to each and every one of you who has supported us and loved us over the last 10 months.

Thank you for being the reason that just last week I went to Target and bought clothes for the first time for our ten month old... oh, and I paid for them with a gift card.

Thank you for the fact that to this day, we have not spent a dime on diapers, wipes, formula, baby food...

Thank you for the toys that Mercy can't get enough of, she is learning new skills as she plays with the gifts that you gave her!

Thank you for meals you cooked us while we were back and forth from the NICU and continued to bring us when we were home adjusting to life with a new baby. Thank you for the frozen meals that continued to feed us on busy nights until just recently.

Thank you for spending your time with Mercy when the requirements of working with youth don't include diapers, bottles or a baby.

Friends, thank you for your touch. In immense fear and in celebration, your touch, your hugs, your hands in mine and your shoulders to lean and cry on. Your physical presence and touch have brought overwhelming peace and blessings.

Thank you for your sweet comments, your hearts for our daughter, your excitement as we all watch her grow and change...

Thank you... I can't thank you enough, you will never ever know how grateful we are to each one of you who has loved us... who has prayed for us.

Your petitions and pleas to our Savior are part of the reason we made it through the NICU in one piece. The peace that you prayed for us washed over us daily, and continues to. Your prayers for complete healing in Mercy's body and in my heart were granted. God is absolutely sovereign and His grace and mercy have been abundant. Thank you for being the instruments He has used over the last ten months to teach us this in a very personal and intimate way time and time again.

Your friendships are irreplaceable, YOU have deeply impacted our lives. You are so more deeply loved by the three of us than I could ever express here.

Thank you!

...and Super Happy Thanksgiving!

Friends, let's extend our days of gratitude to the end of the year, the beginning of next year, all the way through next November, then let's start over. So much to be grateful for, so many blessings...

I love you all.

"I thank my God every time I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy."

Philippians 1:3