Water

Twelve and fourteen... that's how many years it took these two beautiful kiddos to gain more life experience, faith and wisdom than this mama has gained in thirty three years. Five days... that's how long it took them to turn my life and my heart upside down.
No, not upside down... right side up!

One month ago they sat, waited and wondered... half an hour from their home as water seeped through the doors and windows and filled it's halls and rooms, taking most of their material belongings, drowning their homework, clothes, furniture, memories...

"It's a total loss..."
Those are the words their grandfather used as he described their personal experience of the devastating floods that took 90% of the homes in Denham Springs, LA the weekend of August 13.

Ninety. Percent.

My son's biological family lives in Denham Springs.

These two beautiful kiddos are his brother and sister.

All of their belongings sat under feet of water for days. They were essentially homeless, sleeping on air mattresses at their aunt's house.

Water changed their lives in those few days, as they very literally lost just about everything but each other... and I didn't realize it at the time, but in the days and weeks that followed, that same water would change mine too.

We invited them to spend some time with us a week or so after the flood took their home. They had a safe place to stay with family and didn't need to come, but they excitedly joined us for five days that I could never have known how badly I needed.

He knew though... He knew I needed to see Him actively moving, and that two beautiful children and a whole lot of water would be His agents of change in this mama's heart that has been in an ugly crisis for a couple of months...

He knew I needed conviction.

And when two kids who have lost everything, teach you how to truly have everything, conviction is the byproduct... and change happens.

We pulled into the driveway after picking Mercy up from school in a downpour. Our ditch was full and water was slowly making it's way over the road.
"Wow," I said, "I cannot believe it has rained enough to fill our ditch already!"
Looking out the window, the fourteen year old responded, "It's amazing how fast the water can rise..."

I think that was the moment that knocked me over. These weren't just going to be a few days of sibling fun and games. This was real. These people who I love deeply were in crisis and I couldn't allow myself to forget that. The Lord made sure I wouldn't lose track of that detail or fail to grow through these days we shared with these two kiddos.

I wouldn't lose track of the depth of this crisis when I questioned the fourteen year old about the condition of his clothes, after sitting under water for days; stained, ruined, all of them. And no way would I fail to grow when he swore up and down they didn't need anything new. He said they had all their clothes, they would be fine. He didn't take those muddied and stained clothes for granted for one second. His gratitude for what they were able to save was a gift to me... a gift that showed me I have been living so very wrong.

...and I sure wouldn't forget what these kids had experienced when the twelve year old stood with me and a group of strangers, describing the details of the flooding, and all that was lost in their home while her sweet grandmother was sick in the hospital, all only about two months after losing her great grandfather very suddenly. These were such crushing conversations to hear, but this precious girl made sure I wouldn't let them pass by without extravagant growth, as she shared these words with a smile on her face, very seriously reminding us as we all had tears in our eyes, "God's got this." Not a minute of hesitation in the provision of her God. She trusted Him completely, and that was an incredible gift to have the opportunity to witness.

Not only was that incredible trust in His provision a gift, but the actual experience of seeing Him provide for this family and these two kiddos was absolutely life changing. Watching friends, acquaintances and complete strangers come together to get these kids and their grandparents new clothes, new furniture, loads of food, school supplies, shoes, beautiful new Bibles.... and the timing of all these people and pieces coming together cannot be explained as mere coincidence. What an incredibly loving God we serve, who meets each of us in our own unique crises and gives us just what we need at just the right time.

...and in this heart crisis I've been stuck in, He knew those days with those kids were just what I needed at just the right time. Their hearts did an important work on my heart, one that I know will stick around for a long time... and when my heart starts to slip from these lessons, I'm so grateful that these sweet ones will only be one short hour away, ready to head our direction and remind me of the loss they experienced due to water, but the great gain our God gives us through this cleansing water, His Holy Spirit.

"For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you..." (Ezekiel 36:24-27a)

Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”
Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” (John 4:10-15)

Photo cred to J-man's sweet birth mama <3

And you know for those few days my son cried every time I picked him up, because if one of these two big kids was in the room, he wanted them... not me... and the smile that put on my face was BIG. That's when I knew I would never forget that these precious ones aren't just Jaiden's family. They are my family, my heart and soul, and I love them to pieces.

To the baby boy who became my son today...

You may be wondering why we've squeezed you a little bit tighter and a little bit longer today, why you've had so many kisses from so many friends and family, why there have been so many hugs and so. many. tears. Why all the fuss over you on this day, June 1, 2016?

I know all of this may not make much sense to you right now... and to be honest, not a whole lot actually changed today. You've woken up in our home most of the last 533 mornings... You've called me mama for months, you've hugged and kissed me too many thousands of times to count and you've clung to my neck so tightly anytime you've thought I might walk away. I've fed you, changed your diapers, wiped your tears... I've rocked you to sleep, sung to you, tickled you, peek-a-booed and patti-caked more times than I could count. You have been my son in every way... but by name.

Tomorrow will look much like yesterday looked, and next week will be very similar to last week. In our day-to-day it may seem to you like nothing has changed and for the most part we'll keep living how we've lived every day of the last year and a half...

...that's for the most part, but for the other part, we will live wildly different.

...because in reality, everything changed today.

This morning you woke up an orphan and tonight you laid your head down and closed your eyes a son. My son! My. Son.

"From here on out it will be as though Jaiden was born to you. He will be entitled to inheritance rights and the benefits of being your natural child. Do you understand that after this hearing, Jaiden Justice Ellzey will permanently be your son?"  

Time stopped for a brief moment as the gravity of those words settled on my heart today... did you know that while you, your sister, your daddy and I sat in that small room with our family and friends early this morning, everything very literally changed?

Everything.

In those quick words spoken by a lawyer in a judge's chambers you received a new status, a new family, a new name, and a new future. You were declared an orphan no more, but a son. One minute you had no legal parents and the next minute you gained two when you became our child, the son of Chris and Anna Kathryn Ellzey. You will be given a new birth certificate showing your daddy and I as your natural parents. Nothing can ever change this. Nothing! You will always be our son and we will always be your parents from now until forever. You will receive all the same rights and benefits as your sister will receive and we will receive all of the many blessings and benefits of simply calling you our son, of spending our lives raising you, teaching you and loving you. What a gift we have been given, to be so blessed that we would be chosen to be your mommy and daddy.. today, tomorrow, and forever!

Your birth mama gave you the most perfect name, a name that means 'God has heard'. I believe God gave her that name for you as a promise that He has heard her prayers and our prayers for you, and that He would provide for you and protect you in all circumstances. We could never change your name or the beautiful promise that it represents to us. It's a sweet gift from your birth mama, a piece of your story, it carries so much weight and it is just so perfectly YOU. But today you were given a new name, one that officially makes you the youngest Ellzey, the first Ellzey son, and a true little brother to your sister who has declared with such joy all week "and my bwuvvah's name will be ELLZEY at his 'doption!"

You were also given an additional name... we have stood before judges with our foster son, we have heard judgements and wondered what our future would look like, and we have prayed that you would receive justice. Today, we stood before a judge with you and you were given a right judgement, you received justice as he declared you to be our son. And in that moment you received a new middle name, Justice, a name that reminds us that despite the first eighteen months of your life and all of the courtrooms and judges, you have a greater Judge, a righteous Judge who offers true justice and adoption into His family through His son, Jesus Christ. Did you know that, just like you, because of our adoption in Him we have received a new status, a new name, a new family, and a new future? ...and in Him we are declared orphans no more, but children of God (1 John 3:1)! He has passed the judgement we deserve onto His Son and made us just in His sight! He is our Father and we are His children, nothing can ever change this... Nothing. He is a perfect and loving Father who loves you deeply, who placed you in our family and who holds your heart and your future. Your name is a gift to us, a reminder of the gift of adoption we have received from our Father and a promise over your future and life as an Ellzey. God has heard, sweet son, and He. Is. Just.

Son, today, we have celebrated you, and we have celebrated big.

We have waited and longed for today. We have prayed over today for many months. It is certainly a day we will never forget...

...and when we wake up tomorrow, life may look a lot like it did when we woke up yesterday, but this day, June 1, 2016 will leave a permanent mark in the deepest parts of my heart... as the day that nothing changed but everything changed. The day I kissed your cheek and called myself your mommy for the very. first. time.

...and the day I cried myself to sleep thanking God for blessing us and entrusting us with the sweetest boy that has ever lived, who we get to call our son.

Oh, my heart is full tonight.

Love you forever, sweet son!

Love,

  your mommy

**So many thanks to Melissa Breedlove Photography for these beautiful photos from our adoption day.**

Waiting For "Soon"

...and "soon" cannot get here soon enough!

The last twenty four months of our lives have been filled with waiting, frustration, anticipation, impatience, waiting, excitement, anxiety, waiting, sadness, excitement, waiting, grieving, celebrating and finally... waiting.

It's been a season of waiting and a season of wondering...

Two years ago we were waiting for the call. We knew it would be coming and we knew it would be soon, we knew without a doubt that God was calling us to foster care, and we wondered when... and we waited. We met with a social worker and expressed our desires and the boundaries we would set when we decided that it was time, that the Lord was leading us to re-certify our home and our family for foster care. We were frustrated and we wondered how the information we received that day could be accurate. We prayed and we waited.

Eighteen months ago we were waiting for the call. We knew it would be very soon, we had been certified for several weeks and kept our phones by our side and the volume loud. We had to say no to two boys in the first couple of weeks... We just couldn't take them in the time frame they needed care. We grieved for those boys and wondered where they would end up. We prayed for them and we prayed for whoever the precious child would be who would end up in our care... we waited in anticipation and excitement until the call came... And we said yes!

Over the next fifteen months we waited for phone calls, for judgements, for visits... we formed bonds and fell in love, not only with a sweet baby boy, but with an entire family. We celebrated victories and grieved losses, we took thousands of pictures and snuggled as much as possible, we cherished each and every moment as if it were our last. We faced our own ugliness and sought healing for our hearts that were angry and hurting, we begged God for healing in every aspect of these two families that were now intertwined through this precious baby. We waited.. and waited... and waited.......

About four months ago we were waiting for the call. We hoped it would be soon... over the last fifteen months we had learned in a great way that this boy's mama loved him so very much and wanted the very best for him. She hoped so much that she could be that, but recently had expressed the desire for him to be our son, and that she knew being an Ellzey is what would be best for him. We grieved and we celebrated simultaneously as we waited for her call and wondered what the next few days would look like for her precious heart and our future with our foster son.

She did call, we met, she hugged my neck and begged me to take care of her son. We both cried and since then, we've been waiting...

You guessed it, waiting for the call. We knew it would be soon, and yet "soon" just didn't seem soon enough. "Soon" has turned into four months. The agony of waiting for "soon" and desiring for this child to be mine today, this child who has essentially been an orphan, without legal father or mother for four months... this waiting and wondering when "soon" will be is astonishingly and unreasonably too long. It is completely absurd. This should be the easy part, but the impatience is almost too much to bear, I have sat here for months waiting in confusion, frustration, unrest and downright anger over this specific wait.. This has affected me in ways that I didn't expect. Even now, as we quickly approach the adoption of our son, God is showing me the ugliness hiding in the deepest parts of my heart. These days that I should be celebrating and counting down and enjoying who he is right now, I have wasted in frustration and anger at a system that is over-worked and under-budgeted. I have not trusted the one who set this child in our family, I have rushed Him, and He's given me nothing but grace upon grace... and I'm still learning.

Ahhh waiting... waiting has proven to be an obnoxiously purposeful part of my life's journey. Every hard, frustrating wait has been used in a beautiful way.

While I waited impatiently twenty-four months ago, God was growing a beautiful baby boy in his sweet mama's belly, and trying to get a message across to my stubborn hurry-up mentality to  s l o w  d o w n, wait, because very soon I would hold in my arms a greater gift of chunky-baby-boy than I could ever have imagined or rushed myself into.

And how very grateful I am for all the "not yet's" God threw in my path that led me to this specific boy at this specific time in my life. And soon, when he becomes my son, that date I've waited so impatiently for will be completely perfect, beautifully ordained... and perhaps it will teach me to wait with a bit more grace and trust next time.

So here I am repeating this word to myself over and over, giving it to the One who sets dates and the One who creates families, begging Him to work on my heart in a new way, on this new part of our journey... "Soon..." One day, one morning very soon. A morning that will change everything in this child's life and our lives. The date that this boy will become an Ellzey... our son. "Soon" cannot get here soon enough, friends.

To the mama who made the greatest sacrifice...

Dear Mama,

I remember the first time I hugged your neck like it was yesterday. It was a little over a year ago, the first time you met the strangers who were taking care of your son. Chris and I waited anxiously at the agency for your arrival, not knowing how you would respond to us or the situation. I remember these moments so well because they were so very impactful. You met us with grace that day. You thanked us for taking care of your precious boy and you showed gratitude that we were hand chosen by God to be your son's foster parents.

Over the last year, your love toward us, your son's foster parents, has reshaped and molded how we view foster care. In the ups and down, you have loved us. In all of this, you have loved us so well. And you have loved your son in ways that have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.

Long before he existed, his Creator chose us to be part of your son's story, He heard our prayers and placed us in his future. About 430 days ago a social worker picked us from a list to be your son's foster parents for an undetermined amount of time... and today you, YOU Mama, from the depths of love stored in your heart for this boy, you chose us to be his forever family. You made the ultimate sacrifice as you took the steps that would begin the process of making your son my son.

I hope you know that the gravity of your actions this morning will be felt forever, your choice to love so very sacrificially has changed this mama's heart.

I will never forget the tears that fell today as you hugged my neck in that same office where we first met. No longer strangers, but family, connected by this precious boy, our son. I will remember these moments so well because they were so very impactful. You met me with grace today, you showed immense gratitude that we were the ones handpicked by God to be your son's mommy and daddy, and through tears, you asked us to take good care of him before you walked out of the door.

...and I wept. Oh, how I wept.

Mama,

Thank you. Thank you for pouring out love and grace on our family. Thank you for trusting us to raise your son, I know that doesn't come easy. Thank you for believing our hearts for your family. Thank you for bringing this boy into the world, thank you for his face, you know he got it from you! Thank you for not only letting us love him, but for letting us love you, too.. and we always will. Out of your great loss, you have given us a great gift. We are so grateful.

About a year ago I wrote you these words, and they stand true still today:

"I have come to love that this baby boy has your face. When I look at him, I see you. When I pray for him, I'm praying for you. When I celebrate his milestones, I'm also celebrating yours. When I'm filled with pride for him, I am so very proud of you. And when I love him, I'm loving you, too.

Today you told me that you love us.

I cried.

We love you too, Mama."

I am not cut out for this

Some days I'm jealous.

Our foster son has been in our home and our hearts for 365 days. He was 17 days old when we picked him up, and I would be lying if I said these past 17 days haven't been sopping in jealousy.

Reflecting on the days of his life before I knew him has been uniquely joyful and grievous. I wish I could have been there on his birthday, I wish I could have held him close in his first moments and watched him take his first breath. I wish I could have gotten to know him as a brand new baby, and I wish I could have seen the joy on his siblings faces the first time they met him. I know those days were sweet. I know there were a lot of unanswered questions amidst the celebration, but I know the joy stood tall and mighty over the questions and the unknowns. I wish I had been there to celebrate. I'll never have those moments for myself, and the jealousy is sometimes consuming.

Some days I'm frustrated.

Frustrated that it would take so long to provide such a precious child with some type of permanency. Frustrated with a system that still surprises me after so many months of trying to figure it out. Frustrated that so many questions remain unanswered.

Some days I'm fearful.

Because even after being this boy's mommy for a year, I know things could still change at the drop of a hat. I've become what all who utter the words "foster care" fear the most... I've become too attached.

Some days I'm angry. Some days I'm bitter. Some days I'm sad.

Those are the days that I know I'm not cut out for this.

But God...

Melissa Breedlove Photography

God in His grace has called me to this boy and his family. Oh, His love for us in doing just that is incomprehensible.

In His grace and His love He has shown me how I need Him.

How could I be jealous? In my jealousy of baby boy's first 17 days of his life, God has reminded me of the 365 days his mommy has missed. This day holds great joy for our family, but we know that it holds great devastation for his family. That has knocked me on the ground today. The tears have flowed as I've thought about the events that transpired one year ago today to bring him to our home, the emotion and fear that was felt when one mommy walked into a hospital to visit her son, but he wasn't there... How she must envy the year I have spent with him and how much love and grace she has shown me over these twelve months. God, give me that kind of grace toward others.

HOW could I be frustrated? In my frustration, He has reminded me that one year is such a blip in the years ahead for this child. He has reminded me that over this past year I have built friendships that will last a lifetime. I have gotten to know and love this boy's birth family and I have been shown so many times why it's important that this process is not quick. He is not my son, he has a mommy who loves him so very much. She gave birth to him, he has her genes and she deserves time.

How could I be fearful? Too attached?? Can there be such a thing? I've battled those two words every day of this journey. Of course not. You could never become too attached. That's absurd. This baby boy needs attachment, he needs as many people as possible to go all in for him. And for us, going all in means going all in with his birth family as well. How could I fear losing him when I know that these wonderful people I'm blessed to call friends will never be far from my heart or my life. No matter what happens, we are part of this child's life forever.

Angry... Bitter... Sad... yes. Some days I am all of these things. I cry, I rage, I over think....

Melissa Breedlove Photography

...and I praise.
Every day I'm thankful. So thankful that even while I was not cut out for this, He cut me out for this. He shaped my life just so that this precious boy would spend his first night in our home one year ago today. Every day I'm joyful. How could I not be with the smiles and laughter this child has brightened my life with! Every day I'm blessed, so blessed that I was given the opportunity to love this child with all of my heart, to the deepest part of my being, forever and ever.

And what a blessing even the trials have been. They have shaped me, molded me more and more into the image of Christ I was made to bear. I have been shown my sin on a deeper level and been brought to repentance, to love, to grace. I have been shown love on a deeper level, grace on a deeper level. I have been shown Christ through this child and this journey we were given with him.

I hope you will not let fear keep you from taking this journey of growth and grace. If you have ever considered foster care, please, please contact me or someone you know who is a foster parent. You may not be cut out for this, but I can assure you, HE. IS. And with God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26). You will not regret loving sacrificially, your life will change, you will know God's grace in a way you never have before.

Happy anniversary, Baby Boy. Thank you for loving us, for changing us, for your smile and the laughter you have filled our home with. Thank you for your cheeks, for peekaboo, for sloppy wet kisses. Thank you for your adventurous spirit. Oh, you keep us on our toes, constantly reminding us of the adventure we are on with you, an adventure that has left us awestruck by the grace of an amazing God, that He would choose us to be loved by you for this season. YOU are a true blessing.