To the baby boy stealing our hearts...

Dear Baby Boy,

We've known you for two weeks now and in two weeks you've completely stolen each of our hearts. What life was like before you, I don't remember. What life will be like after you, I can't imagine. You have come into our lives and have quickly shown each of us parts of ourselves we did not know or understand.

Yesterday morning you were restless and couldn't sleep, so I picked you up and you slid comfortably into my arms. You didn't stop smiling until you were sound asleep, and my heart fell to pieces.

Each piece knowing that you may leave us one day... Knowing that our hearts long for your mama and daddy to get better... Knowing how broken they must be without you and how they must long to snuggle you each day that you're in our arms... Knowing that the pain I feel just thinking about you leaving one day is the pain they are living every moment.

I love you so much it actually hurts... I kiss your cheeks and I weep because of these things that I know and these things that I pray for. And I'm convinced that it's ok to hurt. It's worth it. YOU'RE worth it to me.

Mercy was six months old when she weighed what you are weighing right now at one month. She'll be two in a few weeks and you are closing in on about half of her current weight! To us you're huge because we remember her being three pounds at your age. To her you are her tiny baby brother. You are her "Bebe!" She adores you. She wants to climb in your swing with you and snuggle, she wants to hold you and feed you and give you your paci, she reaches up for you when we are holding you, she comforts you when you are fussing, she rubs your head and kisses your toes, your hands, your forehead, the closest part of you she can reach. She brings you her very favorite toys. She cries when you are behind a closed door and when you leave for your visits. Her sweetness has multiplied a hundred fold since she met you. Yesterday I asked her if she loves you, and in her own precious 'Mercy talk' she said, "I love you bebe!" ...and my heart fell to pieces all over again.

Each piece knowing that she's too young to understand all of this yet... knowing she may lose you, her bebe brother, one day... knowing that she will mourn along with us when she can't check on you and kiss your toes anymore. We will comfort her, we will talk to her about you forever so that she won't forget you, and she will not be the same because of her deep love for you. She will know that you needed her for a season and that she filled a special place in your heart that God made just for her. And it'll be worth it... because YOU'RE worth it to her.

Your {right now} daddy and I talked about foster parenting for years before you arrived. We anticipated the arrival of our first foster child even before your sister was here! When her birth story turned traumatic and we decided pregnancy would not be in our future, we eagerly awaited the day the Lord would call us to renew our certification. A couple of months went by before we got the phone call for YOU. I said yes without even talking to your daddy and then the real wait began.... Eight of the longest days awaiting your arrival, praying for you, for your parents, for your social workers, for your nurses and doctors, and for us... and then we met you! In one quick moment we went from knowing your name and little more to loving you as if we'd known you forever. These days have been so full, our hearts are bursting with joy and love for each minute we spend with you. We are cherishing them all because we know they are numbered. We are cherishing YOU because we know you are worth it.

Your big gummy one month old smile.... Oh it melts my heart.

Your chubbiest little cheeks I've ever seen.... I need you to store my kisses in them so that when we're apart you'll have a lifetime of kisses to remember me by.

Your scent. Vanilla never smelled so sweet, I need your scent to follow me forever so that when we're not together, I can breathe and remember each of our moments.

But for today, I'm just going to cherish you. I'm going to cherish the 3am snuggles... cherish the early mornings and the extra coffee... even cherish being sprayed changing your diaper... cherish the way you have added so much to our lives in such a short time. I'm going to cherish your worth. You are amazing, little one. Thank you for loving us back!

Love,
 Your {right now} mama

One week in. A lifetime in.

For those of you who don't know, one week ago today Chris, Mercy and I welcomed our first foster child into our family.

He's tiny, precious and perfect and we are head over heels for him.

Mercy is fascinated, I can't stop kissing his chubby cheeks and Chris could just look at him and snuggle him all day.

Our first week with this little man has not been what we expected.
We expected to be awake a lot at night, maybe pulling our hair out some, we expected fits from the big sister and inconsolable crying from the little guy.

Instead we have had nights full of sleep, a brother/sister relationship that is sweeter than anything I've ever seen in my life, and the most content baby boy who just loves to study our faces and smile and sleep.

We keep saying to each other, "We're only one week in, things could change any day."

Today, as I've thought about being a week into the uncertainties of this journey I've wondered how accurate that thought process actually is...

In one sense, we're one week in and in a very different sense we're a lifetime in.

We've been loving this guy for seven days. How our future with him looks is completely unknown. I know that I love him right now, and I know that I'll love him tomorrow and forever.

We aren't just in this to love a child temporarily. We're in this because God has called us to take care of a child as long as He allows us to and to love that child forever.

I think I understood that to an extent before this guy arrived... What I didn't understand very much at all was the other reason God placed us on this journey.

To experience first hand God's adoptive love for us, His children.

Y'all. I love this guy, I just can't even... He's just... so lovable! I love him so. Much. And I know that there are likely things that could draw him out of my arms and into a whole different world. I'm not preparing to let him go because even if he physically leaves my arms, I'll hold him close for the rest of my life. I will never. Stop. Loving him.

As Christmas approaches and we look forward to celebrating the birth of the man who came to adopt us, this baby is a very physical representation of what the love of Christ looks like.

What great news it is that Christ isn't just in this to love us temporarily!

When He knew from the beginning of time that there would be plenty of things of this world ready and waiting to draw us away from His arms.... He came here, born in a feeding trough in a barn, lived perfectly and was killed unjustly. He knew we would walk away from Him, but He came here to rescue us and adopt us into His family anyway. And although we daily turn away, He loves us. He will never. Stop. Loving us. Loving YOU, and ME.

Snuggling this guy who is sleeping peacefully in my arms as I type these words... is one of the greatest experiences of my life. I am a changed woman. I will never be the same. I will never look at the birth, life and death of Jesus in the same way, I will understand His love and His grace more completely and be more grateful each and every day, I will love harder and more deeply, I will cherish the seconds as they pass too quickly. If and when this guy leaves my arms, I will mourn and I will remember the many times I have walked away from the arms of my Savior and how He longs for my return, how He has promised to love me for the rest of time.

And I will turn back to Him. Again and again.

Friends, if the idea of fostering has crossed your mind, but the fear of loving and losing a child has stopped you, let me encourage you... It's going to be worth it. You will mourn, but you will not regret. You will be changed and you will be grateful. Pray daily about the work God may be doing in your heart, talk to foster parents, share your fears, attend an informational meeting in your area, PRAY. Don't. Stop. Praying.



**Visit crossroadsnola.org/foster-care for information about fostering in the St. Tammany Parish and New Orleans area.**

NOT the enemy

Have I mentioned how much I love Mercy's birth story? It's one of my all time favorite stories to share and think about. Sometimes I cry when I go back there and I even love those tears.

Here's a quick catch up:

Mid-December, 2012 I developed a liver disease that affects 1 out of 1,000 pregnant woman. It causes severe itching and can cause preterm labor and even stillbirth after 36 weeks. I was officially diagnosed in early January and began weekly visits to the hospital for monitoring. Everything was normal.

Until it wasn't one day. 

On January 18, my blood pressure was crazy. I wish I could remember the numbers. NOT good. It was ok, they said, they were just going to figure some things out while I went downstairs for the ultrasound. NOT good.

Zero

amniotic fluid. NONE. The doctor was called. They said get here in two hours and he said he would be here in twenty minutes. This was serious. I was having a baby. Quick. And early.

Ten weeks early

.

I love it, y'all. Every detail of it. And I wish I could share every detail here because it was such an amazing and miraculous month leading up to these moments. The moments of her perfectly indescribable and beautifully ordained birth,

via cesarean section.

The details... the

surprise

. The

fear

. The

drugs

. The

medical staff

. The way my husband held my hand and looked into my eyes with such confidence and love as the doctor brought our daughter painlessly and peacefully into the world. The quiet peep she made. The tears (mine) that ensued. The first time I laid eyes on her and fell so hard for her little two pound frame.

She came into the world peacefully, and those 30 minutes of painless {drugged up} anticipation before we heard her voice and saw her face were absolutely incredible. I remember every second like it was this morning. No doubt, this was how she was meant to enter our lives. Early, precious and perfect.

I remember being asked by a good friend early on in the pregnancy how I planned to deliver and being very confident about my answer: "However it ends up happening."

I explained that if I could deliver naturally, I'd do it, but that I was NOT against drugs if the pain was too much. And I'm a wimp. If I needed a c-section, I was ready and would not hesitate.

My experience was

not

the priority.

My child was.

When I was diagnosed with cholestasis of pregnancy, I was told we could try to induce 4-5 weeks early, but it would probably be wise to go ahead and schedule a c-section since this was my first and it would be so early. I began planning for the section, and I felt good about it.

C-sections get a bad rap...

I'm here to tell you, they are not the enemy. For Mercy and

many

other babies, they are the exact opposite of the enemy, they are the

savior

.

Did I plan on having a c-section?

Not really, not at first anyway...

Was I devastated that it happened?

Not at all.

Was it 'normal?'

I don't know that I think childbirth in any form should be labeled 'normal.' After all, a living human is being brought

out of our bodies

, which is miraculous and amazing in every way. So, normal? Um, no.

Natural?

If 'natural' is only an appropriate word to use for childbirth when drugs are not involved, then I guess my answer here has to be no as well...

Exactly as it was meant to be?

Absolutely, yes!

Friends,

please

be cautious when talking about childbirth. The birth shaming is NOT acceptable. I am not usually easily offended, but find myself hurting and cringing a little when I hear others share how their 'normal' birth was the

most

incredible, how you could just tell their babies had no drugs in their bodies because they were so calm.

My daughter came into this world calmly. If things had not happened in the exact way they happened, I couldn't say that. I praise GOD for drugs and c-sections. I praise God for hospitals and doctors and the medical field that handled our surprise so beautifully. I praise God for His mercy and for our Mercy.

Perhaps the best plan for childbirth is no plan at all? Openness, readiness, and willingness. Drugs are ok, C-sections are not the enemy. You are doing yourself and your baby a disservice if your birth experience is for you and not your little one. Cherish whatever happens. Cherish God, who ordains whatever happens.

My opinions. I know you didn't ask. Your welcome. ;)

And here's a picture of my sweet Mercy just moments after our MOST incredible cesarean section.

How perfect is she????

Parent Confusion

It's the morning, I hear Mercy on the baby monitor. "Mama? Mama?"
I go get her, lay her on her changing table and begin to change her diaper. She reaches out to tickle me and starts giggling. She jabbers away while I change her diaper. Her daddy walks in and she points at him, "Mama! Mama!"
"That's not your mama, Mercy."

It's Sunday morning, we're at church. One of our sweet youth girls is hanging onto Mercy and she's eating a donut. She LOVES donuts. One of our sophomore boys looks over and waves at Mercy from a little ways away. She points at him, "Mama?"
"That's not your mama, Mercy."

We're strolling in the grocery store. Mercy is talking up a storm and enjoying all the activity and all the color on the aisles. A woman strolls by with her buggy and Mercy waves at her, "Mama!" Another woman walks by, "Mama?"
"That's not your mama, Mercy."
We stroll up to the cashier. She's sweet, she talks to Mercy and Mercy responds... "Mama!"

We're at Lowes, we need a new washer and we're just walking around waiting on a guy. Chris walks around a corner with Mercy. She sees a poster on the wall...

Come ON child!! Don't you know you only get one mama??? And it's not that race car driver on the poster. It's ME!! Like it or not, kid. You're stuck with me. Can I get some "mama" love?? Pleeease?

I have struggled with this. Every stranger on the street gets to be "mama." Not me. Maybe once a week or so. Maybe.

This has really gotten me thinking about why I have this inherent need to have this title.

I guess I need it because it's who I am. I need it because I carried this child, I cried by her bedside, I held her against my chest when she was just two pounds, I pumped for eight months for her, I cleaned her poop that shot three feet across the floor and onto our bed, I cleaned her spit up from INSIDE my mouth, I sat through endless hours of therapy learning new ways to teach her new skills, I snuggled her when she was sick, I held her tight when she was hurting, I cleaned vomit from her bed, her carseat, herself, at least 7 times in one day, I rocked her to sweet precious sleep, I sang to her and danced with her, I taught her how to say "mama." I loved her with my whole being, I will never stop loving her. She's part of who I am to my very core and I can't begin to imagine life not being her mama.

So is it too much to want that title? To claim it as my own? To be jealous for it?

I mean, I don't think it is.... I just... don't. 

But part of me keeps questioning the importance of that word. She knows who I am and she loves the living daylights of me. No question about that. When she gets hurt, I'm the one she comes to, when she's hungry she seeks me out, she reaches her arms up and stands on her tippy toes for me to scoop her up and squeeze her tight. She reaches for my hand when we're walking and she lays her head on my shoulder when she's sleepy. Shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't that replace my need for this word?

I don't know... Should it? What do you think?

I'm honestly conflicted.

But I think I've come up with somewhat of an answer. And I think the answer is yes. I need to be "mama." I need that guy on the poster to be some guy on a poster, I need Chris to be daddy...

...and I need to be mama.

And I think my great desire for this comes straight from Him in who's image I was created.

I think many of us know who God is. Our Creator, our Savior, our Father. That's important, HE is important. ALL that He did to bring us into His family carries so much weight and is incredibly IMPORTANT. He asks us to call only Him our God, to only use His holy and perfect name when talking to Him or about Him. And come on, considering who He and and all He's done for us, don't you think His name is holy enough for us to hold it as precious and preserve it for HIM alone?

When I was carrying Mercy and my body was failing her, HE stepped in and saved her life. While I continually fell apart when she was just two pounds, HE gave me the strength to pick her up and hold her against my chest. When my body, again, was failing her and she was too weak to get the milk from me anyway, HE provided nutrients for her to grow. When she had just been home a little while and it looked like her little digestive system was shutting down and not doing its job, HE got it moving again, all over the floor and bed! HE provided us with the world's greatest occupational and speech therapists to help her learn new skills and words, HE created a strong bond between us even when we were separated for her first seven weeks of life outside the womb, HE taught her to dance and sing, I know I didn't! He gave me the capacity to love her and showed me what that means through the way He loves me, the way He sacrificed for me, the way He gave me the world even though I could never deserve it.

He is worthy. He is GOD.

NO question about that.

So as Mercy works out her parent confusion, may this be a reminder for ME to work out my parent confusion as well... When I'm hurt, my HE be the one I run to. When I'm hungry, may HE be the one I seek out. When I just need to be held, may I stand on my tippy toes reaching my arms toward HIM. May I hold onto His hand as I walk through each day and lay my head on His shoulder when I need rest. May He be my God, and nothing else. May He be the only one I ascribe His holy name to.

You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
   my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
   with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect:
   The Lord’s word is flawless;
   he shields all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
   And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
   and keeps my way secure.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
   he causes me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
   my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You make your saving help my shield,
   and your right hand sustains me;
   your help has made me great.
You provide a broad path for my feet,
   so that my ankles do not give way.
Psalm 18:28-36


**update**
Just yesterday at the grocery store, while Mercy was very excitedly showing off her football balloon to the man behind us in the checkout line, she twisted her body and pointed at me. Still looking at this stranger, with her finger pointed at me she told him, "That's mama!" That's right, baby girl. Forever.

Development, parts 3, 4, 5 and 6

It's been over FOUR months since I've posted.

...and it's not that I don't have anything to say. Believe me, I have plenty to say.

I don't know. I have no excuses, just lack of consistency in my life I guess.

I'll try to do better!

...also, it's been over a YEAR since I've posted a new Development post! Remember how I was going to update every time we hit a new list of milestones with Mercy's occupational therapist?

Probably not, I've only done TWO and the last one was two Julys ago!

Consistency, people.

So, time to play catch up! We have passed up three lists and are now in list number six, the 12-15 month list. And actually, we're about 2 weeks past that list, but close enough!

I'll hit some of the high points from the three missed lists reeeal quickly:
4-6 Months

• Holds own bottle - yep, it was really that long ago. now she's even holding her own sippie cup!
• Stops activity when name called - it seemed like FOREVER before she knew her name. Then we realized we called her 'sweet girl,' 'baby girl,' 'sweetheart,' 'pretty,' etc. wayyyy more than we called her Mercy. Things have changed since that realization!

6-8 Months

• Responds differently to family and strangers - nope. Never. She doesn't meet a stranger, never has. A time or two she's even walked up to complete strangers in random places with her arms raised for them to pick her up!
• Crawl/creep - Mercy started crawling the week before thanksgiving, when she was ten months old... just a bit behind on this one.

9-11 Months - reading through these and realizing how many of these she's just starting and how adorable they are:

• Poke with isolated index finger - just started doing this recently.
• Imitate facial movements - She has been doing this for several weeks and it's absolutely amazingly fantastic.
• Pull to stand - Mercy did this in December a week before Christmas at 11 months old! Right on time!
• Understands "no" - don't remember when this happened, but she responds so well to "no."
• Drooling decreased - Have I ever mentioned how much a I hate spit. I hate it. A lot. And Mercy has never been even a little bit of a drooler, so that's awesome.

And here we are! Yes, I know Mercy's actually 18 months, but if we're going by her adjusted age (which the OT says we'll do until she's two) she's just past 15 months, so here's the list!

12-15 Months - this is a looong list, so bear with me and I'll try hit the highlights here too!

• Stands alone once placed - she did this on April 29th while her OT was here! Super exciting!
• Puts objects in container - Favorite toy right now: plastic container with screw on lid, she puts toys in it and puts the lid on, then she takes the lid off and pull toys out. All. Day. Long.
• Spontaneous sharing with adult - She has been sharing for several weeks now, but the sweetest thing she's shared (or tried to share) was her pacifier. She was in my lap just looking at me, she took it from her mouth and tried to shove it in mine. We were laughing, so funny! She LOVES that paci though, she doesn't get it very often when we're home, and she gave it up to share with me, and that is the sweetest thing.
• Spoon feeds with spillage - she is so good at this! Started mid April and is getting better and better. She will NOT let us feed her anymore, little independent thing!
• Drinks from open cup held - this is hilarious. She tries, she really does, and she ends up sopping wet every time.
• Cooperates with toothbrushing - recently she has started smiling big with all her teeth showing for me to brush. So cute. She does it every time I mention the toothbrush!
• Walks alone with few falls - her first steps were May 1st and they were the sweetest steps I've ever seen, but it wasn't until mid June that she really started moving. These days she's running everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
• Scribbles spontaneously - Mercy has been showing her OT how she scribbles vertically. Jeanette (OT) says that's a 24 month skill!
• Fusses to be changed - only when it's super messy. And the rest of this explanation is an entire other blog post.
• Points to three named body parts - Over the summer she really got nose and bellybutton down! ...and the rest depend on which order I ask in.
• Creeps upstairs - One of her favorites, up and down stairs!
• Uses word/sign to express self - ahh words... She should be using somewhere between 10 and 20  words pretty consistently at this point... So. These are our words:

Aren't they fantastic?? I could listen to these two talk all day! As far as real words go... We're hearing "Wow" very often, every blue moon we hear mama and dada, she's used and retired several words: bye, joe, pretty, hi, woof, yeah, etc... We had an evaluation with the organization that provides our OT and they've decided Mercy is speech delayed. So over the last couple of months we've begun seeing a speech therapist, who, hopefully, we will continue to see until next April, when Mercy will age out of the program.

We feel sure that Mercy will be talking up a storm before then and none of us are worried about this delay. Just part of being a baby really, every baby reaches each of these milestones in there own time, preemie or not... nevertheless, we are very thankful for our new friend Paula and have already seen much improvement in Mercy's understanding of words, using signs, and trying new animal sounds, maybe even a couple new words!

Anyway, just wanted to update all of you on this little lady's progress! She's doing incredibly well, and we are so grateful for your continued love and interest in our family!