Feelin like a bad momma...

Mercy's heart monitor has eight or so different lights on it. The lights across the bottom just tell us if it's on, plugged in, low battery, that type of thing. The three lights above those are the one's that blink to tell us she's breathing and her heart is beating, and they SCREAM when something is wrong. 

The normal scenario is this: the band that wraps around Mercy's chest holding the leads shifts around because she's such a wiggle worm and they stop picking up her heart beat. The alarm goes off telling us she has a low heart rate... she doesn't really, the monitor is confused because the leads are funky. The only alarm that has ever gone off is the low heart rate alarm, and only on two or three occasions have we actually thought she was having an episode of bradycardia. 

So today, I put her in a precious dress and we celebrated Easter at home while Chris went to church. His family just got to town and were meeting him at church then coming to our house for an Easter crawfish boil. So when they were on their way home I decided to take the monitor off for photos when they got here. No big deal, it almost never goes off and we would be right with her to notice if her color was changing or her heart slowed down. It didn't, and she did fine... 

So, we headed out back for the crawfish and decided to leave Mercy just inside the door with her audio/video monitor on her. Last minute decision, I was a little uneasy about being outside while she was inside by herself, so I put her heart monitor back on and we headed out.

Not two minutes after we sat down, the alarm began screaming. Didn't worry me too much, and I got inside to make sure she was fine after about ten or fifteen seconds. By then it had stopped alarming and she looked peaceful and asleep. I reached down to the monitor to hit the reset button and saw something that I had not seen before...

It was not the low heart rate alarm... it was the breathing alarm. She had briefly stopped breathing... the alarm doesn't go off unless she hasn't taken a breath for 20 seconds and it went off for at least five or ten before it stopped. She was fine and she was breathing again, but the problem is... she hadn't taken a breath for over twenty seconds, and she was by herself inside. I wasn't there... I should have been there.

How can I make sure I don't let her forget to breathe for twenty seconds ever again? How can I make sure I'm there everytime she needs me? How can I keep her from making mistakes and getting hurt? How can I......?

Gotta face a tough reality.... I can't.

...and somehow I have to be ok with that.

WHAT??? I'm not sure that seems even remotely possible!

I'm really struggling with this today. I know that's not my role... and thank God it isn't! I could never protect her well enough, and I would fail as her protector.

So thankful for her Heavenly Father, Who promises never to leave or forsake His children. So grateful that while she rests in my physical arms, she rests in His perfect and protective heavenly arms. SO. GRATEFUL. that whatever the outcome of her life is, HE. IS. GOOD. and has not, will not, forsake us.

Have to remember to trust Him when I can't be there, when my head tells me to forget it and take control of the situation, when I'm scared, fearful, anxious, when it's just plain hard to trust Him... trust Him. He is GOOD! 

I certainly don't have it figured out, I'm still getting wispy when I picture that red light next to the illustration of lungs on her monitor, when I think about her little body not breathing in any oxygen for more than 20 seconds, when I remember not being there for her. Still feeling like a bad momma for not being there when she needed me. Still worrying about her and still praying for trust.

Pray with me?

What a gift she is... Look at her today, all dressed up for our Easter celebration and smiling for the camera:

This was our Easter sermon today: http://www.radical.net/media/series/view/17/adoption-an-easter-story/audio?filter=book&book=40
We still can't go to church, so we listened to an old Easter service from Church at Brook Hills and were so blessed by David Platt's sermon on adoption into the family of God. You should listen, it's good stuff!

Thank you for reading and thank you for praying. Today we are asking God for increased trust as I continue to be her momma by daily laying her in His protective arms.

Big Girl Bathtime

Look how she's sitting up and looking right at the camera! My five pound baby girl is GROWING. UP.

Life without CaringBridge was different yesterday, it felt funny not sitting down at midnight to write something... Glad I have this outlet and get to continue to share Mercy's and my growth! Tomorrow, however, I'm declaring a computer fast... it's Good Friday, I'm going spend the day thinking about that, making a couple pillows for the nursery, vacuuming and doing laundry... and of course, snuggling with my little one as much as possible!

Today was a big day, actually... Chris and I had decided that when Mercy hit five pounds, we would take the sling out of her little bath tub and give her a big girl bath! We could have been doing that all along, her umbilical cord fell off long ago in the NICU (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mercyellzey/journal/19 ...see 'Poopy Diapers and Bellybuttons' toward the bottom), but she's so tiny, we've just been a little scared and nervous about trying.

So bathtime is hard for Mercy, we believe that being clean is very traumatic for her. She's a serious screamer during diaper changes and baths... so I was a little nervous and interested to see how she would handle her big girl bath.

Well... She handled it like a champ! I was so proud of her, I cried a little! She let out just a few quick screams, but for the most part, she just looked around wide eyed and let me bathe her... then she screamed when I pulled her out like she wanted to stay in! So funny...

Got me thinking... about the things I whine and scream about (maybe one day I'll write about my pumping trials!) Really, what in the world do I have to whine about in my life right now? How blessed we have been over the last 2 1/2 months! God has been so good to us, and what would be fitting is for me to live each day of my life in solid gratitude to Him. And that's all.

But is that the case? Of course not. I'm just not quite there yet, and if you're honest, you probably aren't either. Hmm... maybe we need big girl baths ourselves!

Sometimes when I ask God to change my heart about whatever I'm whining about that particular moment, what I'm asking for is somewhat of a sponge bath... just a little dab here and there, while I'm not actually changing my actions at all, still griping along the way... when what my heart actually needs is FULL submersion, clean this girl up, cleanse my thoughts, purge them of negativity and sinfulness. God is GREAT, and faithful to do that. Maybe that's how to turn my whining and moaning into singing and dancing to His glory!

I think it's time for a big girl bath! What about you?


"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.
By his wounds you have been healed."
1 Peter 2:24
Yes, thinking about that tomorrow... awesome! Enjoy salvation, my friends, let's live our live in gratitude for it!

Everyday Mercies

I've tried blogging before.
                        ...and I've failed.

I feel like it's different this time... I feel like I have more to write about and I'm excited about that! For those of you who linked here from CaringBridge or Facebook, you know the journey we've been on. For everyone else, we delivered our daughter 10 weeks early on January 18, spent 7 weeks in the NICU, and today is our due date. Our baby girl Mercy is such a blessing to us. Maybe one day I'll upload our CaringBridge posts to this blog, for now if you want to catch up on our incredible journey, you can read about it here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mercyellzey

Throughout our journey, I have become amazingly aware of the mercies God showers on us everyday through everyday occurrences. How, if we pay attention, each little piece of our day reveals truths about our Creator and how He is visible in EVERYTHING. 

That's what this blog is about... His everyday mercies! It is certainly a work in progress, and I won't write everyday, but I hope you'll join me as I seek to learn more of Him and His incredible works!

You'll notice this clearly isn't my first post. Awhile back when this was a different blog, I uploaded a multitude of emails I've been sending to friends and family for years. They are a journey through the last 9 years of my life... They see me finish college, move to Tennessee, experience great loss and awesome healing, move back to Georgia, get married, move to Louisiana and finally our emergency c-section that brought little Mercy into the world. Feel free to explore... A lot of growth has happened over the last 9 years!

Our Sweet Mercy

You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

Somebody I love very much shared this verse with me last week and it hasn't left my head or my heart. 

Trusting God is something I'm finding to be much easier said than done. Of course, this is silly... Hasn't he provided for me, protected me, given me life abundantly... for 29 years? Even when things have been HARD He's been present in my life, given me perfect peace and worked each little detail out for my good. Craziness that I should have any doubt that He would do this same thing at this time in our lives, as we're nearing the birth of our daughter.

Two weeks ago, Chris and I found out that I have developed a liver disease called Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cholestasis-of-pregnancy/DS01033). A few days before Christmas, my feet and hands woke me up in the middle of the night itching... BAD itching. This persisted and spread over the course of the next three weeks while we waited for my blood test results to come back. The results came back positive and thus began our new journey to parenthood. The only noticeable side effect this condition will have on me is the itching, which has for the most part subsided since I began taking the prescription. This has been an incredible blessing, I'm sleeping again and able to focus on life outside of scratching!

However, the condition poses a much higher risk for our baby girl, Mercy. I'm three days shy of 30 weeks now and the further along we get, the higher the possibility of complications and unpredictable fatality of our daughter. This has been incredibly emotional, and I've struggled greatly over the last couple of weeks since the diagnosis. Trusting God has NOT been easy. The good news is, the chances of stillbirth increases drastically after 36 weeks, and even then is fairly rare.

So this is what the next 6 weeks looks like for the three of us:
Every week Chris and I are going to the hospital for what's called a biophysical profile, or a BPP, which is a 30 minute ultrasound and a non-stress test to monitor her movement, heart rate, breathing, etc. Every other week we'll be seeing our OB, and every other week we'll be seeing a specialist who will help determine the best time to deliver our sweet girl. We will not be waiting past 36 weeks to deliver, and depending on how she's doing on all of her tests, we may decide to deliver earlier.

Something that has been a gift from God and a huge blessing is getting to see her every week. We went yesterday for our second BPP and got to see her yawning and practicing sucking. She even stuck her little tongue out for the camera! The ultrasound tech talked about how awesome it is that even in the womb, God is preparing her for the outside world as she practices skills she'll need when she's here! 

Another blessing is each little kick or movement. That is my favorite feeling of all and we have a little celebration every time!

Even as I have struggled to trust Him, He has been so faithful to give me reassurance through her movements, through my husband's unwavering faith and trust and through the many prayers that we feel throughout each day. Each of you is playing a huge part in God's promise to give His children peace. While my daily struggle with trust continues, it is beginning to be replaced by awesome feelings of peace beyond understanding. 

And being the impatient types, we're very excited to meet our sweet Mercy sooner than expected!

I want to thank you for your prayers before they've even begun. You've all prayed so faithfully through the various stages of my life, and I'm asking you to continue that now as we've begun this journey of trusting God with the child He has granted us, His gift of mercy in our lives and our family.

I love you all so very much!

His,
  Anna Kathryn

"I thank my God every time I remember you!
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy!"
-Philippians 1:3-4

It's that time in our marraige...

...when the first question EVERYBODY asks is this:

"When are you gonna have a baby???"

I'm emailing to answer that question for all of you inquiring minds out there!

We're gonna have a baby on... MARCH 26!!!!! ...or somewhere around there! :)

Chris and I found out that we're pregnant about 8 weeks ago and we're 12 weeks along!! We couldn't be more excited, and really couldn't wait to share this news with all of you!

Each day as this child grows inside of me, I am reminded of how awesome his or her Creator is. Psalm 139 has always been one of my favorites:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be. 
Psalm 139:13-16

Being the mother in whose womb this child is being knit together has given me new perspective on this passage. It's not about me anymore...

This little bitty 2-inch-long lime-sized person growing inside of me has a heartbeat, fingernails, a developing brain and reflexes... and came from just about nothing! How could this have happened without the hand of God being involved!? I have never been more aware of the reality of God as He is creating our child's inmost being more and more each day. And it's never been more abundantly clear to me that this little heart beating inside of me is not merely a healthcare choice... and that's certainly not an opinion.

We all know I struggle with control issues, right? This is gonna be an awesome learning experience for me! Something else I've become more aware of than ever is my lack of control of this child I'm growing. We are not promised to meet this baby face to face. Each day of his or her life-book was written long before they began 12 weeks ago. The question that continues to arise in my head is this: Do I trust the Creator of our child's life to use the life He has created for His purpose and in His unique and perfect way? I think I do... I hope I do, and I pray that I will continue to praise His name whatever His will is. Isn't that what He call us to do? Praise Him in the easy and hard times and know that He works ALL things together for good. And isn't that a praiseworthy promise?? 

We have prayed for this child from the beginning of our marriage and whether we have tomorrow together or not, what an incredible gift this has been and will continue to be for the rest of our lives! Please pray with us, that this baby will grow to know his or her Creator first and foremost, and that, Lord willing we will get to meet our kid in March! We are so SO excited and have not been able to stop smiling (except of course when I'm crying non-stop!) and praising our awesome God who has given us this child who is being fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of GOD! That's... AWESOME!

So thank you all for praying with us through each new stage of our journey! We love all of you so much and as always, we appreciate your continued prayers!!

His,
  Anna Kathryn

"I thank my God every time I remember you!
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy!"
Philippians 1:3