Parent Confusion

It's the morning, I hear Mercy on the baby monitor. "Mama? Mama?"
I go get her, lay her on her changing table and begin to change her diaper. She reaches out to tickle me and starts giggling. She jabbers away while I change her diaper. Her daddy walks in and she points at him, "Mama! Mama!"
"That's not your mama, Mercy."

It's Sunday morning, we're at church. One of our sweet youth girls is hanging onto Mercy and she's eating a donut. She LOVES donuts. One of our sophomore boys looks over and waves at Mercy from a little ways away. She points at him, "Mama?"
"That's not your mama, Mercy."

We're strolling in the grocery store. Mercy is talking up a storm and enjoying all the activity and all the color on the aisles. A woman strolls by with her buggy and Mercy waves at her, "Mama!" Another woman walks by, "Mama?"
"That's not your mama, Mercy."
We stroll up to the cashier. She's sweet, she talks to Mercy and Mercy responds... "Mama!"

We're at Lowes, we need a new washer and we're just walking around waiting on a guy. Chris walks around a corner with Mercy. She sees a poster on the wall...

Come ON child!! Don't you know you only get one mama??? And it's not that race car driver on the poster. It's ME!! Like it or not, kid. You're stuck with me. Can I get some "mama" love?? Pleeease?

I have struggled with this. Every stranger on the street gets to be "mama." Not me. Maybe once a week or so. Maybe.

This has really gotten me thinking about why I have this inherent need to have this title.

I guess I need it because it's who I am. I need it because I carried this child, I cried by her bedside, I held her against my chest when she was just two pounds, I pumped for eight months for her, I cleaned her poop that shot three feet across the floor and onto our bed, I cleaned her spit up from INSIDE my mouth, I sat through endless hours of therapy learning new ways to teach her new skills, I snuggled her when she was sick, I held her tight when she was hurting, I cleaned vomit from her bed, her carseat, herself, at least 7 times in one day, I rocked her to sweet precious sleep, I sang to her and danced with her, I taught her how to say "mama." I loved her with my whole being, I will never stop loving her. She's part of who I am to my very core and I can't begin to imagine life not being her mama.

So is it too much to want that title? To claim it as my own? To be jealous for it?

I mean, I don't think it is.... I just... don't. 

But part of me keeps questioning the importance of that word. She knows who I am and she loves the living daylights of me. No question about that. When she gets hurt, I'm the one she comes to, when she's hungry she seeks me out, she reaches her arms up and stands on her tippy toes for me to scoop her up and squeeze her tight. She reaches for my hand when we're walking and she lays her head on my shoulder when she's sleepy. Shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't that replace my need for this word?

I don't know... Should it? What do you think?

I'm honestly conflicted.

But I think I've come up with somewhat of an answer. And I think the answer is yes. I need to be "mama." I need that guy on the poster to be some guy on a poster, I need Chris to be daddy...

...and I need to be mama.

And I think my great desire for this comes straight from Him in who's image I was created.

I think many of us know who God is. Our Creator, our Savior, our Father. That's important, HE is important. ALL that He did to bring us into His family carries so much weight and is incredibly IMPORTANT. He asks us to call only Him our God, to only use His holy and perfect name when talking to Him or about Him. And come on, considering who He and and all He's done for us, don't you think His name is holy enough for us to hold it as precious and preserve it for HIM alone?

When I was carrying Mercy and my body was failing her, HE stepped in and saved her life. While I continually fell apart when she was just two pounds, HE gave me the strength to pick her up and hold her against my chest. When my body, again, was failing her and she was too weak to get the milk from me anyway, HE provided nutrients for her to grow. When she had just been home a little while and it looked like her little digestive system was shutting down and not doing its job, HE got it moving again, all over the floor and bed! HE provided us with the world's greatest occupational and speech therapists to help her learn new skills and words, HE created a strong bond between us even when we were separated for her first seven weeks of life outside the womb, HE taught her to dance and sing, I know I didn't! He gave me the capacity to love her and showed me what that means through the way He loves me, the way He sacrificed for me, the way He gave me the world even though I could never deserve it.

He is worthy. He is GOD.

NO question about that.

So as Mercy works out her parent confusion, may this be a reminder for ME to work out my parent confusion as well... When I'm hurt, my HE be the one I run to. When I'm hungry, may HE be the one I seek out. When I just need to be held, may I stand on my tippy toes reaching my arms toward HIM. May I hold onto His hand as I walk through each day and lay my head on His shoulder when I need rest. May He be my God, and nothing else. May He be the only one I ascribe His holy name to.

You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
   my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
   with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect:
   The Lord’s word is flawless;
   he shields all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
   And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
   and keeps my way secure.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
   he causes me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
   my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You make your saving help my shield,
   and your right hand sustains me;
   your help has made me great.
You provide a broad path for my feet,
   so that my ankles do not give way.
Psalm 18:28-36


**update**
Just yesterday at the grocery store, while Mercy was very excitedly showing off her football balloon to the man behind us in the checkout line, she twisted her body and pointed at me. Still looking at this stranger, with her finger pointed at me she told him, "That's mama!" That's right, baby girl. Forever.

Development, parts 3, 4, 5 and 6

It's been over FOUR months since I've posted.

...and it's not that I don't have anything to say. Believe me, I have plenty to say.

I don't know. I have no excuses, just lack of consistency in my life I guess.

I'll try to do better!

...also, it's been over a YEAR since I've posted a new Development post! Remember how I was going to update every time we hit a new list of milestones with Mercy's occupational therapist?

Probably not, I've only done TWO and the last one was two Julys ago!

Consistency, people.

So, time to play catch up! We have passed up three lists and are now in list number six, the 12-15 month list. And actually, we're about 2 weeks past that list, but close enough!

I'll hit some of the high points from the three missed lists reeeal quickly:
4-6 Months

• Holds own bottle - yep, it was really that long ago. now she's even holding her own sippie cup!
• Stops activity when name called - it seemed like FOREVER before she knew her name. Then we realized we called her 'sweet girl,' 'baby girl,' 'sweetheart,' 'pretty,' etc. wayyyy more than we called her Mercy. Things have changed since that realization!

6-8 Months

• Responds differently to family and strangers - nope. Never. She doesn't meet a stranger, never has. A time or two she's even walked up to complete strangers in random places with her arms raised for them to pick her up!
• Crawl/creep - Mercy started crawling the week before thanksgiving, when she was ten months old... just a bit behind on this one.

9-11 Months - reading through these and realizing how many of these she's just starting and how adorable they are:

• Poke with isolated index finger - just started doing this recently.
• Imitate facial movements - She has been doing this for several weeks and it's absolutely amazingly fantastic.
• Pull to stand - Mercy did this in December a week before Christmas at 11 months old! Right on time!
• Understands "no" - don't remember when this happened, but she responds so well to "no."
• Drooling decreased - Have I ever mentioned how much a I hate spit. I hate it. A lot. And Mercy has never been even a little bit of a drooler, so that's awesome.

And here we are! Yes, I know Mercy's actually 18 months, but if we're going by her adjusted age (which the OT says we'll do until she's two) she's just past 15 months, so here's the list!

12-15 Months - this is a looong list, so bear with me and I'll try hit the highlights here too!

• Stands alone once placed - she did this on April 29th while her OT was here! Super exciting!
• Puts objects in container - Favorite toy right now: plastic container with screw on lid, she puts toys in it and puts the lid on, then she takes the lid off and pull toys out. All. Day. Long.
• Spontaneous sharing with adult - She has been sharing for several weeks now, but the sweetest thing she's shared (or tried to share) was her pacifier. She was in my lap just looking at me, she took it from her mouth and tried to shove it in mine. We were laughing, so funny! She LOVES that paci though, she doesn't get it very often when we're home, and she gave it up to share with me, and that is the sweetest thing.
• Spoon feeds with spillage - she is so good at this! Started mid April and is getting better and better. She will NOT let us feed her anymore, little independent thing!
• Drinks from open cup held - this is hilarious. She tries, she really does, and she ends up sopping wet every time.
• Cooperates with toothbrushing - recently she has started smiling big with all her teeth showing for me to brush. So cute. She does it every time I mention the toothbrush!
• Walks alone with few falls - her first steps were May 1st and they were the sweetest steps I've ever seen, but it wasn't until mid June that she really started moving. These days she's running everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
• Scribbles spontaneously - Mercy has been showing her OT how she scribbles vertically. Jeanette (OT) says that's a 24 month skill!
• Fusses to be changed - only when it's super messy. And the rest of this explanation is an entire other blog post.
• Points to three named body parts - Over the summer she really got nose and bellybutton down! ...and the rest depend on which order I ask in.
• Creeps upstairs - One of her favorites, up and down stairs!
• Uses word/sign to express self - ahh words... She should be using somewhere between 10 and 20  words pretty consistently at this point... So. These are our words:

Aren't they fantastic?? I could listen to these two talk all day! As far as real words go... We're hearing "Wow" very often, every blue moon we hear mama and dada, she's used and retired several words: bye, joe, pretty, hi, woof, yeah, etc... We had an evaluation with the organization that provides our OT and they've decided Mercy is speech delayed. So over the last couple of months we've begun seeing a speech therapist, who, hopefully, we will continue to see until next April, when Mercy will age out of the program.

We feel sure that Mercy will be talking up a storm before then and none of us are worried about this delay. Just part of being a baby really, every baby reaches each of these milestones in there own time, preemie or not... nevertheless, we are very thankful for our new friend Paula and have already seen much improvement in Mercy's understanding of words, using signs, and trying new animal sounds, maybe even a couple new words!

Anyway, just wanted to update all of you on this little lady's progress! She's doing incredibly well, and we are so grateful for your continued love and interest in our family!

Waiting is Overrated

90% of the time when friends look at Mercy's precious face they mention that she is her daddy's twin. While I for sure know she got her endless eyelashes and the precious dimples that kiss her cheeks from her daddy, Chris and I usually look at her and don't really see either of us in that blue eyed blondie... What we do see is an outgoing, talkative little extrovert growing up before our eyes.

...and if you know us, you know how very little of that she got from us.

But! I just realized something!

If Mercy had waited it out and come on her due date, today would be her birthday. As I've thought about that over the past few days, I've realized that she and I have something in common after all...

It's our feelings about waiting:

It's. Over. Rated.

Ten weeks before her anticipated birthday, this one decided waiting was overrated:

See...? She was ready for mommy and daddy hugs, and she wasn't all about waiting for them.

...and she didn't have to, because waiting is overrated.

So Chris and I have been talking about growing our family... and seeing that waiting is so overrated, I've been bringing kids home in my head for months now.

What does that mean, you ask?

Let me explain... Cholestasis of Pregnancy has a 70% recurrence rate and for me, preeclampsia has about a 40% chance of recurring. I've written before about the "pre-guilt" I feel about pregnancy and the possible births of future children so bringing kids home may not look for us like you might think.

We had a meeting last week with a social worker to talk about bringing home foster kids and possible adoption. That's our desire and that's where we believe the Lord is guiding our hearts and our family.

And get this... it looks like He's not only guiding us there, but He's guiding us there not on my timeline (how dare He!), and He's asking us to WAIT.

Come on, God?! Don't you know that waiting is overrated??

GOSH! 

So, Lord willing, it looks like we'll be foster certified somewhere around the beginning of fall... and after that, well, it's just a waiting game for a phone call for a child that falls within the boundaries we have set.

And well... that just sounds like a lot of waiting to me.

Have I not learned to trust my mighty God's perfect timing yet?? After this amazing year and after He has proved Himself and His timing over and over, I still want to make it happen my way and in my time... Crazy.

However, even with my ridiculous control issues and lack of trust, I just know there has to be some purpose in the waiting. 

Thinking about all of this in the days leading up to this first anniversary of Mercy's due date, I remembered this one most important detail:

Despite Mercy's best efforts, we did have to wait. 

After waiting several years to make a pregnancy announcement, Mercy finally came and we had to wait some more... and what a blessing those seven long weeks of waiting to bring her home from the NICU turned out to be as we were able to use that time period as an opportunity to pray for her, to grow and to prepare our hearts and our home for her arrival.

As I have pondered those seven weeks of waiting I've realized something completely new and foreign to me...

Waiting is so not overrated!

Waiting, while hard and often painful, is a gift... a gift of time, growth, and prayer, a gift of heart preparation... a gift this mama needs, whether she likes to admit it or not!

So... wait we will... and we will turn this waiting period into an opportunity to pray for the child that may be being born right this minute, or may be being neglected and so desperately in need of prayer. We will wait and we will pray earnestly for our possible future children, foster or adopted, who are so in need of prayer from a mama and daddy who don't yet know them but love them so dearly.

Pray with us?

Dear NICU Family

One year ago today we said "goodbye" to one big room that I was terrified of at one time.

More than a room, really. It was a room that was filled with YOU! ...the nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, lactation staff, monitors, stickers, nasal cannulas, ventilators, incubators, pumps, feeding tubes, bili lights, scales and so much more.

Over the course of seven weeks, my fear of you transformed into admiration and love. YOU became family to me. You loved Mercy like she was your own, you provided for her needs, you kept her alive when she was at her weakest.

When I couldn't be there to be her mama, YOU were there.

ALL of you... at different times.

Monitors, you told us how well Mercy was breathing and when she needed extra support you (loudly) made sure we were aware and got her taken care of.

Ventilator, you opened her lungs and let her breathe for a most important week.

Incubator, you warmed her tiny body so that she could gain grams and then ounces.

Feeding tube, you nourished that little bitty girl when I could not.

Nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, lactation staff, your love for my precious, fragile daughter will never be forgotten. You snuggled her, talked to her, bathed her, fed her, loved her and I know that you prayed for her. You were there ALL day when I could only be there a few hours a day.

NICU life was not easy, there were ups and downs, highs and lows, lots of grieving followed by lots of celebrating... all leading up to one incredibly important day.

March 7, 2013.

Our "Homecoming Day."

The most joyous occasion, oh how I cried when I said goodbye to you. I'm terrible at goodbyes, and we had become so close over the seven weeks we spent together... but it was time and we were ready.

You worked so hard to prepare that four pound girl for HOME, and she was more than ready.

It's hard to explain what it felt like, everything, all the trials and fears and victories all leading up to this one moment... walking out of the hospital doors for the first time with a baby. Going HOME.

Amazing. Going back to that remarkable moment brings tears to my eyes.

You did something beautiful for this family that is irreplaceable. You represented to us every dynamic of our walk with Jesus. The ups and the downs, the grieving and celebrating, all of the learning and growing, grams and then ounces... all leading up to one very important moment.

The moment we go HOME.

Our very own "Homecoming Day!"

You reminded me of the joy to be had in looking forward to our beautiful reunion with our Father in the home He has waiting for us.

I'll never forget the sadness I felt when we said goodbye to you or the impact you had on Mercy's life while she was with you, even better is the joy I have experienced with this sweet girl for the year she has been home with us.

Thank you for loving her, loving us, growing us. You will never be forgotten in this house!

Happy Homecoming Day!

**this is the last post of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Dear Doctor So and So

I trusted you...

I trusted you to medically nurture my pregnancy, to keep me as informed as possible of what complications may arise and what they would mean, to value the life of the little person growing inside of me, to give me reasons to feel peace about the outcome of my pregnancy, to hear me, to take time to talk to me, to acknowledge my fear and my pain, offer solutions, comfort, expertise...

...you let me down.

You caused MANY tears, I said MANY ugly and mean things, I felt hatred in my heart towards the way you talked about my daughter her first few minutes in the world, I yelled and fought and CRIED at the thought of returning to you, I experienced tremendous anxiety when I knew you were on call at the hospital, increased heart rate, cold sweat, all of that...

But...

Despite YOU and ME and ALL of the circumstances, you very successfully brought my child into the world... and you taught me an important lesson about forgiveness while you did it.

Remembering the anger I felt toward you brings back emotions I experienced that are not pleasant or nice, and often makes me wonder what my Creator and Savior feels when I hurt Him and rebel against Him on a daily basis...

One more time... my Creator and my Savior.

...and I rebel against Him daily.

The Giver of my life and my child's life who rescued me, offering me eternal life because He loves me... that's the one I choose to sin against daily.

I believe He has every reason to feel infinitely more towards me what I have felt towards you.

It's taken more than a year to process the lesson you taught me and I still feel immense pain at times...

...but one year and a precious, healthy baby girl later I know that I've forgiven you.

Doctor, I forgive you because without you, that sweet girl may not be here today.

I forgive you...

...because Christ forgave me.

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved,

compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other;

as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

Colossians 3:12-14

**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**